IMO, letting another human being know that their health/life is being endangered by a cheating spouse is the correct thing to do.
STD's are rampant. A betrayed partner needs to be able to protect their health. We have an SI member in her mid-60's whose WH gave her HIV.
Betrayal is no joke. STD's are no joke.
Your therapist IS a joke!
Do the right thing. Tell him.
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies!
If you want to be sure the BS gets the info, use more than one method or multiple copies.
I still feel terrible that I believed that the other BS knew -- that he had the same DDay. I don't know if it's true or not. My fwh said so, because his OW said so.
So, I sent an NC letter quite some time after I found out -- because the OW came to our house, with our pre-teen son there, sobbing because my H was talking to other female employees and she was "losing him."
I sent the NC via email to the OW's work and personal email addresses, her BH's work email, and paper copies of the email to OW and BH's work addresses and their home address.
I was ready to go over to the BH's office in person if that didn't work.
Fortunately it worked. I did not want to cause her BH pain and embarassment at work, but I would have done so if absolutely necessary.
I can't guarantee that will happen. But IMO without the light of reality, affairs continue to thrive.
OW's BH called me. turns out that ONS from DDay #1 10 months before was an ongoing PA/EA.
My H was a world class actor (who knew??) going to MC, date nights with me, gas-lighting the pants off me.
If than BH hadn't called, I couldn't tell you if I ever would have known.
Let the other BS know.
Let the therapist pound sand.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
Just make sure you make ALL decisions based on what is in YOUR OWN long term self interest. Don't think of it as being powerless...think of NOT TELLING as EMPOWERMENT.
By the way, I have BTDT. WH had affair with someone who worked for a company he in involved with (doesn't work there, but invested). Supposedly no one at the company knows what went on but there are a few who suspected something was up. Anyway, OW used her influence with president/owner of company to help WH's investment remain stable/undiluted. So if I blow the lid off of it, I risk shooting myself in the foot financially. Also, she is supposedly going to move out of town in a few months and if things go south with her job, that won't happen. Believe me I would LOVE to blow the lid off of this. That is what they get for hiring an uneducated cocktail waitress to an executive level position. But in the end it will possibly cause more damage to my own interests.
You ABSOLUTELY should tell the other BS.
OMs BW discovered the LTA after only a year. Her husband (OM) told her that I was physically abusive and would harm my WW and possibly come after him.
FIRST. NONE OF THAT IS TRUE. NONE OF IT.
But that swayed his BS to not tell me. And here is the important part. OM and my WW took the LTA underground and it continued another 2+ years.
After my Dday I met OMs BW for lunch so we could compare notes. She was shocked that I was not the abusive jerk she was told I was.
You ABSOLUTELY should tell the other BS. Its the right thing to do. That other BS should have the right to know the truth about their life and so make the right decisions based on truth rather than lies.
One other thing.
ANY therapist that says to not tell the other BS should be fired. This person simply does not understand anything about dealing with affairs. This person is grossly incompetent and will definitely steer you in bad directions.
I really wish he had. It would've saved me months of wondering WTF was wrong, and then the last month or two of trying to find proof. It drove me crazy.
At first I convinced myself that I had to tell him because he had a right to know. A part of me still feels that way, and I feel a HUGE burden carrying this secret. (Like if I was on Law & Order and someone asked me if anyone had reason to harm me, I can now say YES!!!))
But then I got negatives on my STD testing, so that wasn't a motivator. I thought deeply about it and realized in my heart that I could actually truly walk away from not telling him and letting their own lives unfold on their own; what was keeping me stuck in feeling obsessed with telling him was in fact huge feelings of anger, huge desire for revenge, wanting to get back at OW, unleash havoc into her life as she did to mine. (even though i didn't DO the deed, i would still be the messenger and in my role would unleash pain and agony on a family that could otherwise live in peace).
I am not comfortable, and frankly scared, basing my actions on revenge because Confucius said: "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
My therapist is not saying yes or no; rather how will telling him help you? And might there be unforseen consequences that might hurt you? These are important questions for me.
I still think that OW should take responsibility for colluding with my WS and helping to destroy my relationship. I wish i could figure out HOW! I imagined sending her my now 2x weekly therapy bill and wrote a "fantasy" letter to her explaining that paying my therapy bill would probably be less "costly" to her than my telling her husband, but that it was up to her which she preferred, or she could offer her own suggestion. Fantasy letter only.
In any case, many here on SI feel it's a completely black and white issue to absolutely tell, and I personally think it's a complicated human issue and there are absolutely shades of grey.
I don't know where I'll end up. The OW is already becoming less and less significant to me, more of a pawn in a game, so I may grow out of my need to tell or I may decide it's the right thing to do. It's hard to unleash such agony on someone; the relative merits of kindness vs. truth are not clear and this whole subject can be spinned in many ways.
Just thought I'd offer another opinion and dearly hope I do not encourage others wrath!!!!!
All my best wishes.
As for his being 70 and maybe having a heart attack, that age threshold for a possible heart attack can be lowered a lot, to the point that most of us should not be told. There are possibly quite a few 70 year olds that are going to outlive me walking around right now, and I am at the lower end of the age where heart attacks are a possible concern, and in reasonably good shape.
Yeah, AP's often lie to each other about their spouses, and WS's often embellish those lies, or add in new ones one their own to try and keep things a secret. Next thing you know, a guy who is going to be upset by the news and yell is described by his WW as a man who will turn violent and beat her, then the WH describes him as an abusive asshole that will kill her and seek vengeance on the WH and his family. Get an incompetent therapist involved along with the normal reluctance to deliver such news, and people have visions of a multi-state killing spree.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
My 73 year old father may take issue with that, after he kicks your ass backpacking over a mountain. As would my 95 year old grandmother.
Unless there is actual proof of ill health I think his age should not be a factor.
I have gone through the gammet of emotions, but something is still plaguing my heart.
I am so scared and want to do the right thing but am dying.
My therapist says I should examine my motives for wanting him to know and that it would probaly be better for him to die without knowing this horrible secret. I disagree but need advice!
Your words, not anyone else's.
If there is one major lesson that we learn after experiencing infidelity, it is that we learn(or re-learn) that we are the ones who control our actions. We get to decide what we will and will not accept. And that a part of our personal healing comes with a dose of individualism....with a certain level of channeled selfishness.
Selfish is not always a bad word. It is essential to use sometimes in our healing and coping. Taking time to focus on oneself...constructively...is often a mandatory path to a healthy recovery. And if your beliefs are to tell this man, then no doctor, therapist, friend, or forum is going to justifiably change your mind. Nor should they.
General consensus---tell the other betrayed spouse.
Your consensus--that is what really matters. The only motives that I interpret from you are those of a rational, concerned person.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
He has a right to know that he needs to be tested for VD.
That would really serve her right. I say tell. It is his right to make a decision like that if he wants to.
He also may be suspecting, and maybe thinking that he is losing his mind or starting dementia, particularly if she is gas lighting.
2 Ddays and lots of TT
Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken
The other BS became aware, and I didn't.
I was suspicious, my wife lied, the affair ended, and for 9 years we struggled with my wife's emotional problems and sexual problems, on and on and on.
We went to counseling and dealt with imaginary and secondary issues. Nothing works!
Finally, on our first date anniversary, my wife confesses....after another disastrous anniversary.
Finally, we actually begin to work on her issues, the real issues, and stop imagining that it is me and how I interact with her.
Yes, it was hell, but so is thinking that there is something wrong with you that makes it impossible to have a full relationship with another person.
I wish someone had told me.