Involvement of a family member complicates issues. Your BIL is clearly not a friend of the marriage (M). If you decide to try and repair the damage, your Wayward Husband (WH) is going to have to choose between his M and his brother. He needs to defend the M, and protect your feelings after the comments from his brother.
There is a lot of good advice here. Check out the healing library in the upper right corner. Decide what you need from your WH to stay and try to repair the M if that is what you want. Something you may want is for him to figure out why he decided to make out with an old girlfriend while his W was away getting medical treatment. What made that OK for him? He needs to know why he did it in order to change his behavior so that he does not do it again.
Keep posting, keep reading. Recovery from infidelity takes time, but you will get there whether you stay or ultimately D.
...bad habit of doing terribly destructive things when too much alcohol is consumed.
words are cheap, and cheaters lie. What is he doing to address his alcohol problem? AA? IC? anything other than a promise?
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:42 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]
Right now I think you need to focus on what you need. I'd skip his family until there is healing between you and your H. At that time your H needs to address this with his family and try to clear the muddy water.
You said that your H has a habit of doing terribly destructive things when he drinks. Is he getting counseling with that or is it just the guilt? Is he working with the therapist on how to help prove his trustworthiness?
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
There are shortcuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them-Vicky Baum
Most people think its normal to do stupid things when drunk. Maybe. Sometimes. But hurtful, awful things? Consistently? That's a problem.
But don't blame the cheating on the booze either. His choice to cheat is related to drinking, but it is still a choice, coming from something deep inside of him - something that likely affects the drinking as well (hence, they are related). But just taking the drinking out of the equation doesn't necessarily solve all the problems, it doesn't solve his cheating.
I agree. Focus on you now. Despite what I said above, I wouldn't even worry about his drinking for a few days or weeks to just get your feet under you. Don't worry about his brother, family.
There is always hope, but this will be a tough battle especially with such a challenging in-law situation. I'm married to an alcoholic WH. It isn't easy. But he is sober. Truly sober. I mean that he's doing more than just "not drinking" - he is getting to the root of his issues. He is making amends. He is living cleanly, honestly.
There are some threads in ICR about alcoholism and R, if you go that route.
So no one was clearly looking out for your best interests.
Since these two had exactly zero concern for your medical emergency and zero respect for you or your marriage, why would you even begin to believe anything your husband tells you?
The utter disrespect being shown to you is palpable.
I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position. You've been given the gift of 'sight' at the 1.5 month mark. You've pretty much been shown what you can expect for the lifetime of your marriage if your husband doesn't do a drastic 180 and completely change his ways for the better.
Good luck to you.
I'm trying to take things day by day. Journaling and this forum have been so helpful in the first month since D-Day. However, the pain is still crippling. I cry less now, purely because my eyes hurt too much to keep crying several times a day. I am terrified of seeing BIL again and mortified to see the other BIL and MIL. I know my MIL, although she cares for me, still thinks BIL was acting out of love for WS...wtf. Does this get any easier?