Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Puddleoftears (44334)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 9 months out and contacted BH!
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

... by email, which will probably end up in the spam folder and may never be seen... But I did it! I've been trying to just find his name for 9 months now and once I had his name today the rest fell into place pretty quickly. From the start, I felt compelled to inform him...

"I am writing you to inform you that your wife and my husband had an affair last year that to my knowledge ended on September (?), 2012. In all honesty I have been looking for your contact information since I found out about the affair on (DDay)). I am also writing in the hopes that should you have any information I do not have, that you might share it with me.

The inappropriate, emotional aspect of the affair started while they were working (in our hometown).

It continued with unprotected sexual relations at the hotel (in another town), at the beginning of June. Shortly after my husband's return home, your wife showed up in (in our hometown) and the affair continued during the entirety of her stay.

My husband visited (your hometown) in July for less than a week and stayed in your apartment with your wife.

According to my husband sexual relations ceased temporarily until your wife's later trip to (our hometown) at the beginning of September, which would have been the last time they had sex, if the information I have is correct. The last time they saw each other was in (our hometown) on the night of September (?). My husband has told me they did not go to your wife's hotel room, but did meet.

My husband has informed me that there were concerns at that time and all throughout their affair regarding timing of sexual relations and risk of pregnancy because your wife was not on birth control and they were not using any. Any child born to your wife between March and June 2013 should have its paternity questioned. We would appreciate being informed if there is indeed a child being born to your family imminently, or was born recently.

Your wife and my husband attempted to keep "professional" contact until early December 2012, at which time, and according to what I have been able to ascertain contact ceased.

The secret email account they used during the affair is: (insert email address here)

I have been diagnosed since their affair with (an STD).

Sincerely,
Knowing"


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job, Knowing. You did the right thing.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7712 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really great letter. Short on emotion but long on facts. With the STD and the risk of a pregnancy, I absolutely think you did the right thing, even though I am usually a bit conflicted about informing the OPs spouse. Good job.

I sure would hate to be her husband getting that email though. We all know the hell he is facing.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1279 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, um, never expected a response... I just checked my email and, dear lord, the BH responded and has asked me to call him. I thought I had big balls this afternoon... Now I'm shaking in my boots.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((KNOWING))))

Hope the calls go well. You did the right thing, not an easy thing either.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 759 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck with the call. Good on you so far. That letter is fantastic and should be a model for others in your situation.

Just remind yourself that every moment you wait to make the call will create angst as well, at least equal to the call itself. Either way, waiting to call or making the call is stressful.

Just curious...did your WH not reveal BH's name? Or did he not know it? Why was it so hard to find assuming you knew the OW's name. Just curious, not that important right now with the impending call.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Different time zone entirely, can't call tonight anyway...

All I had was a first name for him and his profession. As it turns out he has a completely different last name, she doesn't use her married name. I finally came across something with her married name.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You go girl! I am so proud of you. I hope you get some peace from it!


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 360 | Registered: May 2013
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knowing, Kudos for sticking to it and locating him. He had, as you did, a right to know.
Don't be nervous about talking with him, just tell him the facts, and, based on what he may know, ask your questions.
If he is belligerent, or aggressive, you have no further obligation. We know all too well the emotions that come with discovery, so keep that in mind.
Difficult, yes. Don't be scared, it will work out.
I might suggest you record the call.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is fantastic Knowing! You absolutely did the right thing


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Offhispedestal
♀ Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you!


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 629 | Registered: Jun 2011
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am using your email as a model!

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perfect letter. I'm impressed. Please let us know how it goes.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8793 | Registered: Jan 2008
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree - perfect letter, and I, too, hope your call goes as well as it can.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The right thing to do and done perfectly. Great job! Keep up the good work when you call him. Remember, any strong emotion on his part is not personal. You did not cause this. You are just doing the responsible thing. I hope he can appreciate that and if not that you can both leave the door open for better communication when he's had a chance to collect his thoughts and more information. Good luck.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*fingers crossed* for a good phone call.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*fingers crossed* for a good phone call.

me too....good luck


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't believe the guy sounds so chipper. I find it unnerving:

"Greetings!

Dear Knowing,

I received your email. Thank you.

I'm currently traveling on business (out of the country). Is there a telephone number I can reach you? My cell phone number is...

Also, could you please send any future correspondence to my personal email account at: (email address)

Many thanks and best regards,
MCOW's BH"

[This message edited by Knowing at 2:07 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He may be able to separate his feelings from his response to you. You are not the wrong-doer here....

And maybe he has known for a while. Maybe he doesn;t care....who knows. You did the right thing.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not be at all surprised if he has known something was off, but not been able to identify it, and now that you have emailed him, he doesn't want to scare you off by showing strong emotions. Not to mention if he is traveling for business, he is likely putting on his happy face for work.

You did great.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.