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Newest Member: Highlanderlady (45437)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Hiding from family/friends
♀ New Member
Member # 39161
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly....we have told NO ONE. This was my choice, as H was more than willing to tell the kids, the in-laws, etc. I didn't want to b/c I knew once they found out, they would never forgive him, which would make R extremely difficult. I also didn't want t opinions of my family b/c they are not forgiving and are very rigid. None of them have had to deal with this and I honestly do not think they could EVER understand why we stayed together to work things out.

Just remember that once you have told someone- it can't be untold. If you have people you truly feel are a friend of the marriage and want the best for you and your spouse, then by all means vent if you need to.

I am now absolutely certain that I made the right choice for me. I wanted so badly to scream to the World what an a-hole my H was those first few days....but I didn't. And R is going very well for us. I like that we can keep everything between us and not having outside influences always telling us what we should or shouldn't do. But everyone else is right....during the lowest and hardest time in my life...I couldn't tell anyone! It is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through-alone.

Me: 32
FWH: 32
Together 16 years, met in HS.
"Sort of" Dday 2/28/06

True Dday 5/2/ all came out
R going very well

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2013
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like that we can keep everything between us and not having outside influences always telling us what we should or shouldn't do

IMO friends of the marriage support you through a trauma. They do not tell you what to do, they do not hold grudges against one party or the other.

They love, support and cheer you on when you need it. They will give advice when it's asked for but know it isn't something you have to take.

For us, the friends we have are all a part of our support system.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♂ Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like that we can keep everything between us and not having outside influences always telling us what we should or shouldn't do.

I think it depends on the situation.
If my exW was remorseful and adhered to rules of R then I wouldn't have told anyone to make her uncomfortable.
She planned to what they say as ' f me over'. I had to tell so everyone is aware of what she is doing and how she was manipulating.
I am glad I told everyone. Finished everything in 5 months flat.
My friends and family, hell even my lawyer, didn't believe all I had to say. It was the overwhelming evidence and torture that everyone was on my side. I wasn't able to think straight, and my folks did the thinking for me. Ultimately I chose to take or reject some advices given.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't like secrets. I think all of the secrets around infidelity prevent people from learning the terrible truth about infidelity and it's aftermath. How do our children learn what a terrible thing it really is if we pretend everything is okay? How does society learn to put it in proper perspective if we continue to hide in shame?

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 39712
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have only told 2 friends about what has happened, though the most recent event left me pretty shaken and I guess I didn't hide it too well at work. Someone said something that really bothered me during our daily staff meeting and I guess I looked so downtrodden my boss pulled me into her office in the middle of the meeting and made me talk to her. I didn't tell her everything, just that I was dealing with some personal things and that people need to realize that I can't be strong all the time. She was very understanding and it helped...that was about 3 months ago.

The one friend I've confided in the most has a husband that cheats on her everytime he deploys (he's military) and has even given her an STD. She did leave him for about a year and had an affair of her own but came back. Even knowing what she's been through, however, I still don't feel like I can truly commiserate with her like I can with you guys here. It's tough for me to keep this from my sisters because we talk about EVERYTHING but I've always been taught not to talk about the problems in your marriage with others so I keep a lot of things to myself. As much as I hate to admit it, I think part of my fear about telling my family is that they will hate him for what he's done an do everything in their power to make me leave of my sisters has offered several times to let me live with her if I ever feel like I need a break. I know she can sense something is wrong but is just waiting for me to come out and say it. In a way I feel trapped; I know I deserve better but can't bear the thought of confirming this fear I have of once again not being good enough for someone, and being pregnant also I just don't want to be alone.

Me: BW (32)
Him: WS (31)-Multiple ONS
Married: 1/3/05 Together since 5/2002
D-Day #1-3/2009 (4 years after the fact)
D-Day #2 3/2013(he confessed to 3 more ONS, 1 the month I found out I was pregnant)

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my sister almost immediately!
My sister is also my best friend..
Her support has been lifesaving and meant a lot to me....
I was 1 1/2 years into this mess before I told anybody at work...People at work including my boss were extremely supportive..
It boils down to what you need to survive.. Your need to function with support trumps WS's need for privacy/ to look good amongst friends and family...

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1270 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ Member
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Five years out, and nobody knows. Not about the affair, the OC, nothing. I just couldn't face the phone calls, the caring looks, the sympathy.

I put my head in the sand and pretend my life is normal.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have told a ton of people. Partly because I had to. When my WH walked out on me, having dropped the bombshell he cheated, I posted on Facebook. Some people saw it before I deleted it so I explained to those people.

In some ways I regret it- I don't like everyone knowing our business. In other ways, I don't. I was in total choas and confusion and I didn't know WHO or HOW to reach out to anyone, so by throwing it out there people came to me. I know myself- if I had thought for more than 5 seconds about saying anything, I would never had said anything and would have isolated myself utterly. My friends have totally come through for me and I wouldn't have gotten through this without them.

On the downside, my WH has totally lost the respect and trust of my family, who already had issues with him.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably would have told no one except my dad. I was so shocked that first week though so its hard to say. However, WS told everyone - the people at church, his sister, his boss and employees (they mostly heard rumors and asked) etc etc etc. because he said he wants to be more accountable. Our therapist said we shouldn't tell our kids, just be prepared if they hear rumors someday and ask.

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO friends of the marriage support you through a trauma. They do not tell you what to do, they do not hold grudges against one party or the other

Yes...but..they are humans. They will judge. They will have opinions. They may keep those to themselves. For me, personally, I don't want to fret about what others think. Sure, I could just say, "I don't care what others think." But I do. And this is coming from a self-confident person. Self-confident - but private. I don't really want to deal with the chatter of others, the worries about judgment, etc. It is just another source of stress for me.

I haven't told a single friend or family member. For me, it works. But I have IC, MC, and am a member of Al-Anon, which has nothing to do with infidelity, but I can share my feelings there. And i have SI and my WH.

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my friends said in an email that "you don't seem like yourself". She's right. I'm not myself. I just can't bring myself to talk about this with her or anyone other than my therapist. I'm feel like a giant suppurating wound.

Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 631 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Topic Posts: 31
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