Just remember that once you have told someone- it can't be untold. If you have people you truly feel are a friend of the marriage and want the best for you and your spouse, then by all means vent if you need to.
I am now absolutely certain that I made the right choice for me. I wanted so badly to scream to the World what an a-hole my H was those first few days....but I didn't. And R is going very well for us. I like that we can keep everything between us and not having outside influences always telling us what we should or shouldn't do. But everyone else is right....during the lowest and hardest time in my life...I couldn't tell anyone! It is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through-alone.
True Dday 5/2/2012..it all came out
R going very well
I like that we can keep everything between us and not having outside influences always telling us what we should or shouldn't do
IMO friends of the marriage support you through a trauma. They do not tell you what to do, they do not hold grudges against one party or the other.
They love, support and cheer you on when you need it. They will give advice when it's asked for but know it isn't something you have to take.
For us, the friends we have are all a part of our support system.
I like that we can keep everything between us and not having outside influences always telling us what we should or shouldn't do.
The one friend I've confided in the most has a husband that cheats on her everytime he deploys (he's military) and has even given her an STD. She did leave him for about a year and had an affair of her own but came back. Even knowing what she's been through, however, I still don't feel like I can truly commiserate with her like I can with you guys here. It's tough for me to keep this from my sisters because we talk about EVERYTHING but I've always been taught not to talk about the problems in your marriage with others so I keep a lot of things to myself. As much as I hate to admit it, I think part of my fear about telling my family is that they will hate him for what he's done an do everything in their power to make me leave him...one of my sisters has offered several times to let me live with her if I ever feel like I need a break. I know she can sense something is wrong but is just waiting for me to come out and say it. In a way I feel trapped; I know I deserve better but can't bear the thought of confirming this fear I have of once again not being good enough for someone, and being pregnant also I just don't want to be alone.
I put my head in the sand and pretend my life is normal.
In some ways I regret it- I don't like everyone knowing our business. In other ways, I don't. I was in total choas and confusion and I didn't know WHO or HOW to reach out to anyone, so by throwing it out there people came to me. I know myself- if I had thought for more than 5 seconds about saying anything, I would never had said anything and would have isolated myself utterly. My friends have totally come through for me and I wouldn't have gotten through this without them.
On the downside, my WH has totally lost the respect and trust of my family, who already had issues with him.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
IMO friends of the marriage support you through a trauma. They do not tell you what to do, they do not hold grudges against one party or the other
Yes...but..they are humans. They will judge. They will have opinions. They may keep those to themselves. For me, personally, I don't want to fret about what others think. Sure, I could just say, "I don't care what others think." But I do. And this is coming from a self-confident person. Self-confident - but private. I don't really want to deal with the chatter of others, the worries about judgment, etc. It is just another source of stress for me.
I haven't told a single friend or family member. For me, it works. But I have IC, MC, and am a member of Al-Anon, which has nothing to do with infidelity, but I can share my feelings there. And i have SI and my WH.