Time,communication,honesty,love,and time. You have to feel it to heal it.
It just takes so damn much time.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Showing your pain that you feel when you see him could also help.
Consistent actions that match words, transparency, share your sincere feelings, apologies. These all work, but they have to be consistent over a period of time before he will feel better.
Any books, IC or anything you have been doing that you can share with him.
At the end of the day, he has to face this one way or another. He has decide what he wants and how he plans to work through it. Many different options available, but as long as it is something healthy not destructive.
6 months out is really a rough time. The shock wears off the reality sets in. It is normal. He needs to work through it in order to get to acceptance. Anger usually shows up around this time too.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
I understand what he is doing..but he's wrong. Communication is vital in a marriage. If he doesn't learn to open up,the pain will eat him from the inside out.
OTOH..he may not feel safe opening up to you just yet. Your dday was very recent.
Im sorry you're both hurting.
Still not over it. Still hurting.
But it's better. We're closer. Just takes for-freaking ever.
Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.
Unfortunately, in this case, you can't make him do anything. You can suggest he read here, just to get an idea how other men are dealing with betrayal. You can also get a copy of Not "Just Friends" and suggest he read it - maybe he'll pick it up if it's easily available.
The Betrayed Men thread in ICR may be good viewing for him.
All you can do is work on yourself, and on your M in the areas he's available for. Actually, it sounds like you're doing about all you can - keep asking what he wants and doing your best to deliver it.
I don't trust my W as much as I hope to. Recovery simply takes a long time.
[This message edited by sisoon at 11:57 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]
Have you read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair?" It may offer some additional guidance on things you can do to assist him.
For me, I was open to therapy and was the driving force in my H and myself seeking it, and it was worth every dollar and hour spent. If your H feels he has no one to talk to, and that you don't have his back, I would discuss a 3-6 month trial of therapy for him/us--whichever he'd find most palatable. I'd approach it by telling him that you know you put him in this awful place and are eternally sorry for doing so. That you will do anything to help him, yourself, and the marriage, and you think, given the nearly insurmountable grief and betrayal foisted on him, that a trusted and trained therapist could be incredibly valuable. By suggesting a time limited trial of therapy, your H may feel more receptive and inclined to seek help for himself.
I think it's important to let him know that you're not suggesting therapy because he is broken, but rather as a way to help him deal with the brokenness your A introduced into the marriage. He needs an "ally" and a venting place that is safe and potentially healing; right now he doesn't seem to feel that place can be provided by you. That's ok, even quite normal. He is likely feeling all kinds of strong emotions, but appears to be judging himself as a resul ie "He thinks it should be better now and not hurt so much." I found therapy very helpful in reevaluating and dismissing those nonproductive "shoulds." Perhaps he would discover the same.
Clearly I'm advocating IC/MC, but if he refuses, you need to continue on your path of openness and integrity. As Rebreather said, try to get rid of or minimize anything unexplained or unaccounted for so he knows he is always the first, most thought out choice.
You seem to be doing all you can ,but rebuilding trust takes time. And he may be trying to create tests to prove you are trustworthy- hence the rigidity of reaction when things aren't exactly as he expected them to be. Keep trying and coming up with innovative ways to prove you are where you say you are, doing what you say you are doing..
[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 2:10 AM, June 28th (Friday)]
Married for over 14 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
Sincere apologies help me. Specific ones related to situation at hand or to a specific part of the feelings I am having. (e.g.-I am so sorry that I have given you a reason not to trust me. I am trying very hard to not give you any new reasons not to trust me.)
Does he come on SI. It really does help to let it all out with others who understand what you are going through.
There are lots of betrayed men who can understand where he is coming from.