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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The hurt Bs wants it to stop
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night was sad. My H had to go to work. Said he had thought he trusted me. And realized he didn't. When he surprised me coming home last weekend I thought he had some relief. I was where i said I was and what i was doing. However the children were home. There play date was scheduled wrong whiich I had told him and it was and it allw as in a few minutes of him getting home. He had hoped I would be alone and doing what I said I was doing. I am at a loss. I couldn't change that scenario. Just to give him some relief . So now he's at work. Scared hurt and heartbroken. And I can't do anything. We skype we talk. I am living my life with integrity. He wants the hurt to go away. He thinks it should be better now and not hurt so much He won't read or talk to anyone else. All he has is me and he doesn't feel like I have his back. Which is what I've done. What more can I do. Any other BS or WS input would be great. Especially if either partner has to work away. We can't change the work right now. Or at least he's not willing too. We are working to try and make it so he doesn't have to work away.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're 6 months out from dday. The shock is starting to wear off,reality is setting in,and he's probably going to go into the anger phase.

Time,communication,honesty,love,and time. You have to feel it to heal it.

It just takes so damn much time.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7428 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I read I believe so too. He feels he can't express it to me. He can be pissed off at the AP and vent that way. But he Can't do anything to me if he wants to keep or marriage. I keep telling him to say what he needs to but he holds back. I know when he does let loose I end up breaking down. I try not to though and try ti just listen. And then he feels like shit cause he's hurt me ! I try and tell him its ok. I am staying I'm not going anywhere. He doesn't believe me which I understand. He wrote me a letter he won't give me cause he says he wants our marriage to work. Nit get worse. How do I show him it's ok. When he's down he's asked that I nit fall down with him. So I don't. I may break down. But I then I work at being ok. And trying to keep moving forward as he asks. I don't stay down if I can help it. We use to spend days like that. A vicious cycle. Now I work hard to pull us out. Am I doing it wrong? I am si confused somedays


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sincere apologies help me. Specific ones related to situation at hand or to a specific part of the feelings I am having. (e.g.-I am so sorry that I have given you a reason not to trust me. I am trying very hard to not give you any new reasons not to trust me.)

Showing your pain that you feel when you see him could also help.

Consistent actions that match words, transparency, share your sincere feelings, apologies. These all work, but they have to be consistent over a period of time before he will feel better.

Any books, IC or anything you have been doing that you can share with him.

At the end of the day, he has to face this one way or another. He has decide what he wants and how he plans to work through it. Many different options available, but as long as it is something healthy not destructive.

6 months out is really a rough time. The shock wears off the reality sets in. It is normal. He needs to work through it in order to get to acceptance. Anger usually shows up around this time too.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he on SI?

I understand what he is doing..but he's wrong. Communication is vital in a marriage. If he doesn't learn to open up,the pain will eat him from the inside out.

OTOH..he may not feel safe opening up to you just yet. Your dday was very recent.

Im sorry you're both hurting.

((((Joanh))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7428 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD 1 - Oct 2007
DD 2 - Dec 2008

Still here.

Still not over it. Still hurting.

But it's better. We're closer. Just takes for-freaking ever.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 636 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to say he's responsible for his own healing. He's got to recognize, own, and process his feelings.

Unfortunately, in this case, you can't make him do anything. You can suggest he read here, just to get an idea how other men are dealing with betrayal. You can also get a copy of Not "Just Friends" and suggest he read it - maybe he'll pick it up if it's easily available.

The Betrayed Men thread in ICR may be good viewing for him.

All you can do is work on yourself, and on your M in the areas he's available for. Actually, it sounds like you're doing about all you can - keep asking what he wants and doing your best to deliver it.

I don't trust my W as much as I hope to. Recovery simply takes a long time.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:57 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10094 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a bit of a hard time following your post, but if I read it correctly, why couldn't the play date have been canceled or changed? Once betrayed, we need the betrayer to chose us first. Always.

Have you read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair?" It may offer some additional guidance on things you can do to assist him.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did order that book. In audio as he has hard time reading. And it made him mad. His response was he not being nice to me and loving. What is that going to do for him. It's just telling him other people have gone through iy. He knows that. What else could it do. Do I think he needs more help.
So... It's a hard place to be. I do think he needs more but he sees it as me rushing it to. Then he tells me he wants it ti go away. So what do I do. ?


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The play date for the kids was on a different Friday. Long story basically I screwed up which Friday it was. It wasn't thae fact the play date got canceled. More that he had hoped it hadn't. So he could come knowing I didn't know he was coming. He wanted to show up surprise me and prove to himself I was doing what said. I had been planning to do some garden work whilethe kids were at their playmate. And that's how he wanted to find me. In other words wanted to prove that when I was alone I didn't have the ap with me. Now I couldn't change the fact that the play date was cancelled but I had given him and update as too the changes and I was doing exactly what i said. But it wasn't good enough to prove to him. Does that make sense


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing what you can in providing him complete transparency, reassurance, patience, affirmation, honesty, and integrity. It appears he is not considering seeing a therapist, either for IC or MC. That can be a hurdle for BS's who don't want to publicize misfortune, or are very self-contained and private, or simply see no value in counseling.

For me, I was open to therapy and was the driving force in my H and myself seeking it, and it was worth every dollar and hour spent. If your H feels he has no one to talk to, and that you don't have his back, I would discuss a 3-6 month trial of therapy for him/us--whichever he'd find most palatable. I'd approach it by telling him that you know you put him in this awful place and are eternally sorry for doing so. That you will do anything to help him, yourself, and the marriage, and you think, given the nearly insurmountable grief and betrayal foisted on him, that a trusted and trained therapist could be incredibly valuable. By suggesting a time limited trial of therapy, your H may feel more receptive and inclined to seek help for himself.

I think it's important to let him know that you're not suggesting therapy because he is broken, but rather as a way to help him deal with the brokenness your A introduced into the marriage. He needs an "ally" and a venting place that is safe and potentially healing; right now he doesn't seem to feel that place can be provided by you. That's ok, even quite normal. He is likely feeling all kinds of strong emotions, but appears to be judging himself as a resul ie "He thinks it should be better now and not hurt so much." I found therapy very helpful in reevaluating and dismissing those nonproductive "shoulds." Perhaps he would discover the same.

Clearly I'm advocating IC/MC, but if he refuses, you need to continue on your path of openness and integrity. As Rebreather said, try to get rid of or minimize anything unexplained or unaccounted for so he knows he is always the first, most thought out choice.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 816 | Registered: Apr 2008
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to everyone again for their insight ideas and encouragement and truths. I will talk with him when he comes home , maybe it will help. Who knows its a very percarious rope I walk on when I mention anything. :-(
Thank you again.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
Emptyshelldad
♂ Member
Member # 32292
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a bh and I work in north dakota and I can tell you it's very hard on me. I always wonder where she is and what or rather who she is doing at this moment. I know that sounds bad, but this pain rips the core of a man out and leaves him hollow.
what sometimes helps me is my lady texting me often and doing a lot of Google talk video chats. and of course she is available for.video chats immediately so I know who is with.her. mostly just genuine apology, and lots of reinforcement of.her love for.me.and our marriage. I mean even now I don't get enough from her and I'm not about to tell her cause then it just seems forced. I want her to want to.do it, not just do it because I ask her, ya know.


Me: BH - 28, Her: WW - 31, 10 years, 5 months, 6 days.
2 beautiful daughters. 1 devious, deceitful, serpant-like liar of a wife.
"oh god this has brought a path of destruction and scorching pain leaving in its wake a charred wasteland of a onc

Posts: 149 | Registered: May 2011 | From: emptyshelldad
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Empty. Thank you. I do text often. Sometimes I think too often. Can that be? And am available to chat I keep my skype open on my bed as I sleep so he can call anytime. We are having a hard time getting it on my iPhone. It won't let me upload. Thinking I might get a new model to remove that problem. And I am sorry for your pain. I see it in my H eyes


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joanh,
, does he have an apple device? FaceTime can be super easy for communicating between 2 iPhones or an iPhone and iPad, etc. And you can leave it up for checkin as well.

You seem to be doing all you can ,but rebuilding trust takes time. And he may be trying to create tests to prove you are trustworthy- hence the rigidity of reaction when things aren't exactly as he expected them to be. Keep trying and coming up with innovative ways to prove you are where you say you are, doing what you say you are doing..

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 2:10 AM, June 28th (Friday)]


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has a GPS app on his phone that I can check if I want. Along with time stamped pxts and regular texts.


Sincere apologies help me. Specific ones related to situation at hand or to a specific part of the feelings I am having. (e.g.-I am so sorry that I have given you a reason not to trust me. I am trying very hard to not give you any new reasons not to trust me.)

The sincere apologies that are specific do help me too.

Does he come on SI. It really does help to let it all out with others who understand what you are going through.

There are lots of betrayed men who can understand where he is coming from.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 723 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Topic Posts: 16

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