Also, I find triggers everywhere. For instance, I have weekly OB checkups now that I am within two weeks of my due date. Even going to the OB is a trigger now that I found out the first time WH had sex with the OW was the same day as one of our appointments, possibly even right before since we met at the office being that my appointment was right after work.
I really donít know how to cope with all of this, and many of the suggested coping mechanisms arenít available to me: I canít take antidepressants (for obvious reasons), I canít work out and lose weight for at least a month or two (again for obvious reasons), buying some new cloths would be stupid right now. I really want to have sex too, but it is soooo uncomfortable so all that ďhysterical bondingĒ stuff isnít even an option.
We also moved here from out of state, and the few people I know either work opposite shifts, or live an hour plus away. I just feel sooooo lonely. My self-esteem is even more shot than it would normally be because I am so HUGELY pregnant. I have started counseling but still, I have only had one appointment. I am driven to distraction at work thinking about all of what has happened and looking at my email archives realizing that the days WH wasnít replying to me were the days he was seeing the OW and realizing how clueless I was. And of course I am worried about postpartum depression. It just seems like the worst possible combinations of events. Please, I will take ANY kind of useful advice from WS or other BSís. Anything will help.
husband is certain that his cheating/lying behavior was the result of SSRI medication
As long as you are willing to give this credibility, then you will not have a successful R. Basically, this excuses his choice to cheat and allows him to avoid dealing with his true issues. Of course he's going to "believe" this is his issue. Wouldn't you if it meant avoiding doing any hard work and facing the fact you betrayed your spouse/child?
[This message edited by lieshurt at 2:42 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]
"Some of us don't see people how they are but how we need them to be".....quote from Uncertainone
My advice would be to take an early leave of absence from work. Tell your OB about the A and he can give you a medical excuse.
side note: you need to tell your OB anyway to get checked for STDs and other infections.
Then you should go be with your family. You need to surround yourself with people who love and support you.
Try to focus your mind on your unborn baby. Focus on the joy that is going to be coming in to your life. Focus on making plans for the baby.
It will literally be mental exercise for you to do this. You will have to practice, practice, practice. Every time you think of the A, tell yourself "NO" and think of the baby.
Your WH and his AP have robbed you of joy right now and stolen time out of your life. Do not let their tawdry behavior steal the joy out of the birth of your baby. You will not get a redo on your baby's first months. Concentrate on that.
Sigh. Maybe I should move to Canada or (better yet) Norway.
Can you schedule a massage or a manicure/pedicure for right after your next IC session? I hope your IC has experience in helping people through the trauma of infidelity.
Josephine has some good ideas too. Just work really hard to take care of you. Get a circle of professional support if family and friends aren't nearby!
Do not let your needs for recovery be impeded by having
"to cut him slack and move on as soon as possible."
That will not work for either of you, that is like an alcoholic excusing behavior because of only doing it when drunk. The damage is THE SAME.
A drunk driver killing an innocent pedestrian is still held accountable. The pedestrian is still as dead. Medication is the same thing. He needs to dig a lot deeper to find the part of himself that said it is okay and then get that part of him to shut up. He needs IC also.
Imagining scenarios and getting adept at getting through triggers is important right now, which is why I recommend IC that has good experience in helping you, offering techniques for getting through unavoidable triggers and coming to some resolutions for what you will and won't put up with in a relationship.
Just breathe, slowly, concentrate on breathing while working through anxiety at your OB appts. Remind yourself that you are strong and your baby needs you to get yourself into as calm a state as possible for the sake of you both.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is never a "good" time, but particularly difficult when you are pregnant.
Please take care of you the best way you can!
[This message edited by unarmbears at 3:10 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]
I feel like I have to cut him slack and move on as soon as possible. It doesnít feel like I can hold him 100% accountable for something he doesnít think he would have done normally
Please don't shift blame off of your WH. It wasn't the meds, it wasn't you or your M, it was 100% him.
This hits a nerve with me, because my parents are "cutting me slack" and expecting BH to "move on as quickly as possible" and it just pisses me off. Sure, I have unhealed damage from CSA, and that contributed to my brokenness, but it doesn't pardon me even 1%. The WS's A is 100% our fault, and we are 100% accountable, no matter the circumstances. Blaming it on anything but us and our shitty choices is flat-out enabling. Waywards need to figure out our real "whys" or history will repeat itself.
And I'm sorry, but he's 33 years old and has a graduate degree, and he's not bringing in any income? FTN, he needs to step up and start earning, I don't care if that means waiting tables or mowing lawns.
Your husband is taking zero responsibility for cheating on you while you, he doesn't need you to cut him some slack, he needs to be told to get into therapy to figure out WTH is wrong with him. Don't accept this. You deserve more, and so does this baby.
When my WH was in the A mindset the A and his behavior was everyone's fault but his. He was mad at his boss instead of taking responsibility for his own overworking and checking out. He was mad at me for a litany of things that were actually 100% his issues. I can tell you what it feels like to have a baby with a partner like this. You will feel totally abandoned, angry, and depressed. I spent the first 7 months after my DD2's birth severely depressed. It was miserable.
We have talked about this a lot in MC and it has come about that I felt abandoned because I largely was. My WH was around, but emotionally checked out. He told himself that because I was the one who really wanted a kid, I brought on any difficulty I was having myself and it wasn't his problem
Crazy right? But this is the same selfish mindset that A's incubate in. If your WH isn't taking full responsibility for the A and doing everything he can to help you, then it isn't enough. You and the baby deserve a lot better.
Hang in there my friend. You are in the homestretch now, and it is such an exhausting and taxing time. Just try to take care of yourself. Hugs.
I posted on your 'just found out' thread and shared a little of my story.
Also on the Postpartum depression, I had depression before I got pregnant, and as soon as this mess happened, I KNEW I was gonna have PPD. I mean, I had to stop my meds because I got preggo, so it was already inevitable...but with all this stress and heartache? It would have been surprizing if I didn't. I wanted to breastfeed, so I saw my psych once a week until I was 8wks PP and could not take it anymore. I did the best I could for my baby with BFing, but I have to take care of me to take care of her.
Please try to relax (I know that it is futile, but I have to say it anyway), I also know that nothing anyone says will make you feel better in the long run. I think cheating on your pregnant spouse is the lowest low you can get, and if the OP knew about the pregnancy, then they most likely have no moral value or concern for anyone INCLUDING themself.
[This message edited by Tired05 at 4:55 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]
I'm raging for you btw, this kinda stuff drives me nuts and I hate seeing these situations. It's not like BSs don't have to deal with enough, but while preggo?
[This message edited by Tired05 at 5:09 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]