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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How can they live like this ????
MissMoneypenny
♀ New Member
Member # 34714
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spoke to DD (5)today who is currently on vacation in WHs home country staying with his mom and siblings.
DD left 2 weeks ago and I will pick up her and DS on 19 July from there.
I just moved house last week and am very busy and even if the moving stuff is finished I know I will enjoy to have some ME time before the kids are back.

But of course I miss the kids terribly and already look forward to having them back here.
But when I spoke to DD today I realized that I can handle it easier because I KNOW they live with me and if I have to miss them then only while they are on vacation.

And that led me to trying to imagine how it must be for all the WS who actually never again will have this feeling of always having their kids close to them in daily life, sharing the daily troubles and just having them around.

I would feel so empty in their position, being a visiting parent only or having them only for a weekend or 2 in a month.

And I would wonder if OW/OM/Affair was worth losing all this.

I just wonder how they can live like this.

I know I never ever could.


" The only thing I have in common with OW is our birthday "

Posts: 44 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Europe
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case STBX did not want to be a father in the first place. He hated me for getting pregnant & became even more abusive. He told me he would never love the children and would never forgive me for ruining his life.

He put on a good show when he lived here because the kids gave him ego kibbles. And now that we're separated he puts on a good show because it looks good for his victim theology. But underneath I know the evil that dwells. I don't think he misses them at all.

ME? I miss them just when we're separated for a long daytime visitation. I love my kids. I love being around them (usually). I love talking with them & hanging out. I'm going to need major support from this place when the day comes that they finally spend the night away from me.

I would die a thousand deaths if I was not the primary custodial parent.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9458 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me a long time to understand that my children didn't mean to my ex what they did to me. I couldn't fathom that anyone could look at how brilliant they are, how empathetic, how balanced, and funny and just all around beautiful and not adore them.

But he doesn't adore them. He doesn't love them. All they are to him are tools he can reference if he thinks it will make him look better.

Sad, I know. Actually, more like alien and pathetic.

People who can participate in affairs generally have the same disregard for all the people in their lives.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People who can participate in affairs generally have the same disregard for all the people in their lives.

^^Too true.

MMP, I feel the same way even though we have 50/50. It feels like he endures them rather than relishing them. It makes me mad/sad. For them and for me - I have to miss out on time with them so they can hang around watching TV whilst he diddles on his computer or diddles his whore.

I have the easiest kids on the planet, seriously. They are sweet, kind, funny as hell and just downright bloody adorable. He enjoys the title but not the role. Selfish POS.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5526 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strong, you hit the nail on the head.

Happy Pants likes the idea of being a father, but doesn't want commitment or discipline...whatsoever.

DD for him is for ego and he has actually said to her, "If you don't stop that, I will leave". Like when she was upset or wanted her own way.

He also lies to her and it shames me to hear.

She doesn't know about OW or the true reasons he left-other OMD (Outside Marriage Dating) because I wanted her to have her KISA for a while longer in her life and felt she was ruined by him enough.

Yes, I miss her and have separation anxiety since he abandoned us. She has it also. It's pretty terrible and more so to see or hear.

And yes, even when I'm busy or she's just at school, I miss her.

He told me once at the beginning that he missed her, but I don't know if it was "drama for yo mama" or real. It wasn't enough to not abandon us or come back when he still had a chance, KWIM?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ex has a totally different view of parenting than I do. Like Reality said, "people who can participate in affairs generally have the same disregard for all the people in their lives."

He made that point last weekend when he threw a ridiculous mantrum about how "unfair" it is that he has the kids 2 nights a week during the summer (the only time of the year he is willing to make arrangements to regularly have them at all).

They are little extensions of him from his pov. Their existence gives him the ego-stroke of being a "great dad" but it seems that the current definition of a "great dad" is basically a guy who contributes financially. Anything else he does is going above and beyond to him.

I'm sure whenever that definition no longer suits him he can easily redefine it again to include himself no matter what kind of dad he actually is.

I would feel lonely and stupid in his position. If I threw away my marriage and no longer was a part of my children's everyday life because of my choice to pursue a dead-end relationship, I would feel like the biggest piece of shit walking.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mantrum

Lol. Mantrum. I'm so using this word.

Yeah, Ex is such a doting, wonderful dad when he is with them (so I hear)But he chose to leave the family (including them) and chose a life of only seeing them 10 days a month. I could.NOT.even imagine. They've been with him for 2 1/2 weeks and will be there for 1 more week and it's been really, R-E-A-L-L-Y hard. I couldn't breathe if I were not the primary custodial parent and I don't understand how someone could walk away from their children like he did.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Aug 2010
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me a long time to understand that my children didn't mean to my ex what they did to me. I couldn't fathom that anyone could look at how brilliant they are, how empathetic, how balanced, and funny and just all around beautiful and not adore them.
But he doesn't adore them. He doesn't love them. All they are to him are tools he can reference if he thinks it will make him look better.

Sad, I know. Actually, more like alien and pathetic.

People who can participate in affairs generally have the same disregard for all the people in their lives.

Exactly that.

We have 2 children, 1 has some special needs and sadly he is just an inconvenience to him and the OW. He can't see how far this child has come, or how many achievements this child has made, or how much progress he is making and claims he is just the same as always. It's frustrating as hell and breaks my heart.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1307 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 8

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