But during the A he was so defensive of her. When he told me he talked about how cute she was and how much he fancied her. And she was our closest friend and she lied to me, even offered to move in with me when he walked out. I find all that so hard to get over. It really is a double betrayal and I can vent my anger at him, not her. She was at our wedding, my hen night.
But I know its holding me back. But I hate her. How do you let go?
[This message edited by hobbeskat at 8:36 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]
1 month EA/PA (no sex) with our best friend 5 months after we got married. She sang at our wedding.
Status: thought R, WH remorseful but does not get it. Considering D.
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies!
But she wasn't anyone! She was your best friend.
It sounds like your husband hasn't 'got' the double betrayal you have suffered.
Give yourself a break - it is still early in your healing. I think actually it is normal to hate the OW - particularly when it feels like they got off 'scot free' - it is unjust.
I am over a year out - I don't think I hate mOW#1 quite as much as I did initially. I still despise her. I think of her as a immoral , evil, selfish and the biggest manipulating liar I have ever encountered. She has no remorse and I have now heard from 2 people she has "no regrets and isn't sorry in any way" for what occurred. It is hard to make peace in in your heart when someone is remorseless. MOW#2 on the other hand is very remorseful and has apologised to me. Somehow that soothes some (not all)of it.
The most helpful thing in taking my focus off them is seeing that my WH has maintained NC, he appears to have no interest in contacting them (I still worry), his ongoing apologies and him being consistent in going to IC, MC and working on changing.
2 years later, I still hate them. WH does not hate them. He has lunches with them and swears he has to despite all the rent we pay for meeting rooms. This is a huge ongoing issue between us. OW? I didn't know her. I'm sure I met her at the firm Christmas party where she put her underwear in his pocket but I don't remember. She was someone else's secretary at the office. He's still never admitted to it but doesn't deny it anymore either. There's another woman who was spending too much time in his office after hours. His office manager changed her hours to keep the woman from being there late enough in the day for that to continue. She's still there even though he said he would get rid of her. He'd only said it because he thought she was leaving but he was wrong. Just another one of his many lies. His office manager was out on maternity leave when the shit hit the fan around there and she's the only one there I can stand... Not that I've gone to the office in the 2 years since it all went down.
If I can want my WH's partners eviscerated for their betrayal around the A... You can certainly be expected to continue being pissed off with OW. Seriously, there is no forgiving some things. There can be acceptance that some people are a waste of food and you are better off without them in your life. But even that takes time... without them anywhere near your life during that time. Too bad it's so hard to hold people accountable for their actions... I mean, if someone wrecks your car, they have to pay for it. If they are home wreckers they walk away with no consequences. That's not right.
[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 10:12 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]
I have no idea how to get over OW. The most recent one was the longest and the one with the emotional connection, so she is the one I focus on. I rage when I think about her. Steaming coming out of my ears, everything. If I ever have the misfortune of meeting her, on the outside I will appear as carefree and unaffected by her as possible, but inside my head I will be thinking about beating her up in every way imaginable.
One of my biggest struggles was figuring out how to distinguish between the OW and my WS (mostly in terms of who I was more angry/disgusted at). Once I accepted that not only were they one and the same, but that in all honesty, my WS was more culpable because of the betrayal he brought into our marriage, it helped me let go a little of my hate for her (just a little). Then, on the advice of some super supportive friends, I allowed myself to have all of the revenge fantasies I wanted, including come up with Plans A, B and C if I were to bump into her. Just allowing myself to release some of that anxiety and negative energy was really helpful.
Lastly, and probably the least immature (but the most fun!), my friends and I came up with our own way of warning the community of OW's 'unpleasant' ways. Because the OW was always baking cookies and dropping them off at my WS's business (which she did with the other man she cheated on her husband with before mine), we took it upon ourselves to make sure that others knew to hide their men.....you can PM me if you want to check out the tumblr page....it's all in good fun and so awesomely cathartic!
I dont suspect the hate will subside anytime soon for me.
If you figure out the secret, let me know, but in the meantime...I feel for you.
My WH wants me to stop being angry at the OW.
Really? Obviously you didn't WANT him to screw your friend. We don't always get what we want, do we?
I totally get where you're coming from. Double betrayal sucks. I will always detest xOW. That is my choice. But I choose to not let her occupy space in my head.
I chose to forgive and R with FWH because I took vows with him - I owe xOW NOTHING. She is a malicious, sick person and I choose to stay away from all toxic people.
FWH did the same defending crap too - "she's a good person" - "she respects you" (ooookaayyy...)...very frustrating. He gets sick to his stomach now as he knows her true colors and that he was an idiot who fell for her bullshit charm.
So "letting go" is something that takes time. You will always have feelings of hatred for her, but won't think about her so much as time goes by.
I wanted to ask - you refer to your H is "WH" - is he still in the A?
Therapy revealed some significant family history and traumatic events in H's past that contributed greatly to relationship/intimacy behavior patterns which lead to eventual A. Also, H is getting assessed for suspected Sex Addiction (porn, intimacy issues with primary partner, risk taking, double life, emotional problems).
Bottom line: I realize that NONE of this was in my control or is a reflection of what I did or did not do in my marriage. The OW was pretty much just a piece of ASS and he used her to feed his addiction. She made it very convenient for him - apartment near his work, ability to get out of work on a moment's notice to be with him, friends with a ring of other girls who were up to the same tricks and into sex as well. Also, a friend of mine did some investigating and she found out that OW is notoriously after rich men. So, it's not like my H is so special.
Yes, I am still angry that this happened and about all of the collateral damage. But I have a healthier perspective on it.
My H had seen through her (somewhat) before dday, so at least I didn't have to deal with the fog. He did say he hoped someday I'd be able to pity her as a desperately lonely person, because he thought it would be healthier for me than rage and hate. I'm kinda almost there, but it's taken 3 years.
Anger and hate can eat you alive, but I don't know if you can reasonably be expected to let it go soon.
In terms of WH, that's what he'll be until I trust him again. He did NC pretty much straight away so not in A.
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:13 PM, June 28th (Friday)]
She said a lot of nasty things to me and what I finally realized is that EVERY SINGLE THING SHE SAID was not true except the tidbit my WH gave her a year ago. Even my WH said that she was batshit crazy and not to believe a word she says.
She apologized to me for bringing pain into my life and wished me well.
I actually pity her now. I pity her because she thinks that it is okay to have a relationship with a MM if both people want it. I pity her because she thinks the reason my WH is staying with me is because I might kill myself and that is not true as I confirmed with WH. I pity her because she is now a single mom struggling to take care of her daughter (her BS left her after I disclosed broken contact). I pity her because she thinks that I obsess about her everyday, which is not the case.
I can honestly say I have finally let my anger go towards her. She just became a non-entity in my life. She just holds no value for me and has no place in my M or in my life anymore.
I hope for all of you struggling to get over the OW that you get to that place of indifference. The OW really are meaningless and nothing.
WH wants me to stop being angry at the OW
Tell him you will once he "unfucks" her.
Really, it is not his place to suggest when, or even if, you will ever stop being angry with her.
No doubt in my mind I will hate the MOW forever. Fortunately, she is hundreds of miles away, and someone I never knew. 2.5yrs post Dday and she is a non entity in my world.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.