If I could ask, what did your husband do in the way of boundaries? How did you two work together to develop them?
You can ask me anything, anytime - it's why I'm here!
Another similarity I forgot to mention in your my last post is that Crazz is a bigtime people pleaser. This stems from significant FOO issues, namely his father invalidating him all day long and telling him he was stupid if he was different. Crazz only felt safe when people were happy with him, and learned not only to be codependent as a result, but to lie if needed so that people were kind to him. He has a very kind heart but a lot of protective layers that made him a pretty superficial person. It is a relief to both of us when he can feel safe to just be himself, and to know that it's on him to let his guard down. The other benefit is that the more he trust his family at home to support him, the less he needs validation from the outside.
How does this work? How does he set boundaries? Well, for his personality type - he needs marching orders, or a list. He needs stimulus to remind him of the new response when presented with situations that he needs to handle with integrity rather than charm. Talking about this and/or practicing is very helpful, but it has to be in a peaceful, safe environment. Instead of sitting there berating him for letting women ask personal questions and giving them a "fun" answer, we do exercises about what to do when something like that comes up so that he can start building a new course of response.
For example - he rides his bike at lunchtime. Sometimes other athletic women want to engage him about his interests based on this, so he has a few brief responses in his pocket. "I ride with my wife and daughter on the weekend." "I have a (yada yada) bike. Please excuse me, I have to get ready for a meeting."
It's not perfect, but when he has an outline handy for good boundaries, the script replaces the panic which oftentimes leads to trying to please the other person.
It sounds convoluted, but we have to get creative to unlearn bad things that are deeply ingrained into our personalities in order to heal and grow.
I have to do this for myself, too. My relationship work involves a lot of training myself not to lash out when I'm in a panic. I've had to script some responses and breathing so I do not push Crazz away when we need to have a conversation about something that causes me distress. It's a two way street, this marriage thing, but getting the BS to a place where they feel that they are ready to work on themselves as well is really important too. It just takes months/years of truth, communication, and work on the WS's part.
Sidenote as a Member - I appreciate that you wanted your BS to be able to comment on your posts, but please trust the staff as they try to help shape this process to be the most healing for both of you. It's important that you be able to get as clear and compassionate help as you can here, so that you can be the best partner you can be for her later.
I got in trouble in Wayward Side years go because I was in too much pain, and angry, and responded poorly to people seeking guidance in here. Hopefully this makes sense. The Mods/Admins have been doing this for years and they want to see both of you succeed so they will do what they can to help protect you both. Me: BW 34
Crazz: FWH 32
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot