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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Anyone contact OW?
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. Yes, I know he chose to go and "it takes two", but when she learned he is an m man, she didn't send him packing, either. So that's why I feel that way.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Dark Inertia
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not seek absolution, because I do not think that I deserve it. But it is something that I give freely to ****** as I do not blame him for any if this. I have lost my marriage, my girls and my home because of my actions. I lost my chance to give my girls something I never had. I am pretty sure this is close to rock bottom though I know true rock bottom will be losing ******'s friendship.

What? I don't get it, the asterisks confuse me. Did this OW say that after losing her family and her daughters "true" rock bottom is losing your husband's friendship? If that is the case that is some serious fucked up.

"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1281 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the responses...majority seems to feel it's a BAD idea, and I see that now. I think I'll take this idea off the table for a while and revisit later, it's too soon anyway, I'm sure I'd lose my sh/t and go off like a lunatic. I do beleive she would be sorry, which is probably silly of me, but given our past relationship, I just feel she would.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 39702
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

also, in regards to contacting the OW. I tried but she didn't answer. I also tried to buy her name/address, etc. from one of those websites. I paid for it and nothing more then her phone number and general area still came back. They refunded me, but now, today another day of living thru this, I don't think she's worthy of my phone call. She is doing what she does. I don't believe my SO is the only one. According to him her and her husband are swingers.

Me BW (36)
WH (39)
together 16 years
2 kids: 6 DD & 10 month DS
TT: 4/26/13
TT: 5/6/13
more TT: 6/13/13
more TT: 7/9/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DarkInertia, yes that's exactly what she said. Asterisks are blanking out names, mostly his I think. See why it raised more questions?! The 'apology' became more of a list of the qualities of my WH (hello, I'm married to him, I know those qualities!) and led me to feel more pain on some level as I'd been uneasy about their friendship right from the start, even confessing that to WH who assured me there was nothing. Turns out we were both very wrong, and our marriage, his sense of integrity and my trust and respect for him are all paying the price. Lesson learned that I should always trust my instincts!

BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
♀ Member
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did.

My WH cheated on me with multiple women between 2004 until DDay, 22 Oct 11. Over seven years of cheating and he was carrying on two long distance relationships between 2010 to DDay. I contacted the two women he was having a relationship with, one that he dated back in high school and was trying to rekindle a relationship over email, and another woman he had a relationship with in 2005-2006 and was starting to email again. 4 women at once. I wrote an email and sent it to all of them at the same time, explaining to them that my husband was a huge liar and played them all. They all thought he was a divorced single dad, making it all on his own with two teens. They all bought it. Only one of them found out in 2010 that he was still married and kept on with the relationship anyway, believing my husband when he said that he was in the process of divorce and was going to marry her. I explained to them that during this time I thought we were a happily married couple and had no idea that while on business trips he was visiting the two long distance women, having sex with one for a few days, then flying to see the other one and having sex with her. They were all shocked and very thankful for me telling them so they could get checked for std's and give him the boot (except for one of his long distance affairs, she went off the deep end and caused all sorts of drama, but that's a different story). I still talk to one of his OW to this day, we are friends now and have bonded and supported each other through this whole horrible ordeal. The other two women he had email affairs with just didn't want to deal with any of it, which I totally understand, and no longer contact me or my WH. It was a very healing decision for me to contact them. They had every right to know what was going on as I did. And even the crazy OW that knew he was still married, didn't realize how screwed up my husband's alter-life really was until I told them everything I found out. Even though she caused me a lot of grief, she still had a right to know.

BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 serious long-distance PA/EA's, several casual PA's, some at the same time. Classy
In R

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fatty B was kind of like Scrn says. She knew full well that Happy Pants lied to her-told her I was dead and it was just him and DD-and when EA turned to PA, he confessed, I guess, and she kept him anyway.

Now some more "complications" have arisen, and she still keeps him.

It helps by telling me what kind of person this is and what she will settle for and I will not.

I know for me, one thing I want is respect-but also self-respect.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ooh I did to main ow and ditz bitch

And it was extremely enjoyable. My inner psycho came out. I was so closed to punching her.

As it turns out she was a serial OW, no one confronted her. Maybe it will give her something to ponder over.

Still makes me smile and laugh today.

Ditz bitch was over the phone. Lies lies lies. But hey! Still fun!

But if you have an out of control temper

Or expect truth or an ACTUAL HUMAN APOLOGY...

You're delusional, they are disgusting creatures.

Of course there are the exceptions, but it's rare.

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At a time when you feel powerless, consider that NOT confronting OW is your the power you have. She's probably wondering if you will. Let her keep wondering.

I have definitely fantasized about what that conversation would be like. Friends of mine who know what is going on say I should contact her. It's easy to say "If that happened to me, I would..." but when you find yourself in the situation, and you have your own interests to think about and you are trying to protect your kids and not throw gasoline on the flames, you actually do think about alternatives. The rational me knows that in the long run, it's not productive and I won't gain a thing and risk making myself look stupid/pathetic (in the eyes of someone who is pretty stupid/pathetic themselves).

In my case, she is the fantasy object of my SAWS and she works for a company he is involved with (but doesn't work for). Confronting her, blowing the lid off of their relationship (which people suspected), is not in my long term interests. Would I love to see her fall professionally? Sure, but I also know then she'd probably want some kind of revenge on me. The best way to handle this is to take what I can influence (recovery and reconciliation) under my roof and let her be. I know people know what went on...she and SAWH aren't fooling anyone. And apparently she already has quite a reputation for going after men with money. She's in her 30s now and as one of my friends says "She's been ridden hard and hung out wet." The longer she plays these games, no man with any real sense will want to be involved with her.

Now that he admits he is a SA, it's a lot easier for me to look at this whole situation from the past several years of our marriage and understand how SA led up to this. Our relationship really does fit the profile. It's a huge burden off of me...even though I realized I wasn't responsible for what happened, I now have the backstory and I know that there is nothing I could have done differently. So much of what happened was rooted in what happened in his childhood.

So, bottom line, I think this is the time you have to take care of yourself. And planning a confrontation with OW is not taking care of yourself or looking out for your long term best interests.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 29
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