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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Your are on a first date, when your date says....
notmeanymore
♀ Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

something that insinuates they might think you were a slut if they knew how many people you'd had sex with.

You
-say nothing
-blurt out "I've had sex with X people"
-wait till later to tell
- ?????

I said nothing. I mean, I don't usually blurt out how many folks I've had sex with on a first date. I consider that bad form.

But now, part of me feels like why bother with a second date when I know how he'll feel (supposedly) when he finds out. And by not blurting it out I feel dishonest.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 863 | Registered: Feb 2006
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say nothing.

On a first date, I would NOT be comfortable sharing that kind of personal information. Just... no.

If his comment left a bad enough taste in your mouth, I wouldn't concern myself with a second date.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24434 | Registered: Aug 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said nothing. I mean, I don't usually blurt out how many folks I've had sex with on a first date. I consider that bad form.

Of course you do! And what about bad form to ASK?????

This guy doesn't warrant a second date because he is

1. rude
2. judgmental
3. has already managed to make you feel bad about yourself for something you cannot change.

NEXT!

and (((hugs))) to you.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5595 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Classy! Not! Next!


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17144 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
notmeanymore
♀ Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok in his defense he was telling a story about a women he met online who wanted to have sex on the first date and she'd done this with 8 other guys and never had a second date (she offered up all this info to him).

So my date was even less inclined to have sex (which he already doesnt believe in doing that early) because of the number of folks she'd been with. Which I can understand from a risk perspective? I dunno.

Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion and assuming he's judging. He didn't ASK me how many people I'd slept with.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 863 | Registered: Feb 2006
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's completely inappropriate to be discussing on a first date.

And what would my answer be? "I don't remember." 'Cuz that's honest. And that would be the last date I'd have with that person. OMG, am I actually facing this some day again???


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9283 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be honest I don't think that's an appropriate question until far down the line. And if I believe judgment will be involved I doubt I'd feel the inclination to ever share that, because I doubt we would be dating long.

[This message edited by persevere at 10:51 PM, June 28th (Friday)]


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4374 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally inappropriate story to tell on a first date. What a huge turn off!!!!
This guy is not a gentleman and has no sense of boundaries. Who wants sto hear about his previous dates sex stories. That's just yuck.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5731 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I can't stop double posting from this iPad!!!!

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:11 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5731 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would probably have said something like, "8 isn't that many"


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13562 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vote for totally inappropriate story and NEXT!


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19795 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, talking about sex on a first date is a huge red flag.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2606 | Registered: Jan 2010
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's fine to talk anecdotally about sex on a first date and he was not asking about you. If and when he or someone else does, you paraphrase Andi McDowell and say "fewer than Madonna, more than Princess Diana".


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6073 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok in his defense he was telling a story about a women he met online who wanted to have sex on the first date and she'd done this with 8 other guys and never had a second date (she offered up all this info to him).

Context is everything. Was this about the perils of online dating and this was his war story (since he probably never dated cheesy nut man), or was this about how pure he was and how many hos are out there?

If it seemed at all judgemental, might I suggest American Pie and the Rule Of Three. Just don't play it like a girl, multiply, don't divide. If he seems really douchey and average penis size comes up, follow the same rules when answering.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
notmeanymore
♀ Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aesir - we were discussing the perils of online dating and how he doesn't know what the "rules" are these days and stuff like that.

I think I just jumped to conclusions.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 863 | Registered: Feb 2006
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might have made a similar comment in that context, not being judgemental about the numbers, but puzzled by the totally alien concept of having sex with someone you don't want to have another date with.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your feelings are your guide. If you felt uncomfortable, that was significant. If it didn't bother you then continue on. Everyone is different. If you go on another date with him and find yourself feeling uncomfortable again then definitely next him.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5731 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I look at it a little differently. He was sharing an OLD experience. I am sure that the pressure to do the nasty on a first date really turned him off. And maybe the number that turned him off was that she had done this same routine 8 times.

GDM and I have been together 3 years, and "the number" has never come up. We had any number of frank discussions about exclusivity, diseases, etc. before we became intimate, but I never felt like knowing "the number" was critical to really knowing him. Let's face it--we can all be pretty stupid in our youth or go through a patch where we do things that later we do not condone. Are we not more than that as we mature and go through life?

If you like him, I would consider another chance. At least if he says something again that smacks of being judgmental, you will know.

But seriously, I look at it that he was sharing a crazy story and maybe he was trying in a roundabout way to reassure you he wasn't a sex-crazed fiend who fell into bed with every Rosie Round-Heels he met.

When I think back at how GDM's actions early on could have easily been interpreted as "red flags," I am glad I gave him the chance. We took the time to know each other and in that time, I was able to make a good and informed decision on who he was and how I wanted to proceed.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29540 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
notmeanymore
♀ Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all.

I've come to the conclusion that he meant nothing negative through the conversation at all.I certainly did a poor job of explaining how and why the subject came up. And that it was just ME who warped it in my interpretation. I made myself uncomfortable.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 863 | Registered: Feb 2006
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes you just can't win. Or predict someone's thoughts. I knew a man who said it made him sick and disgusted to think I was married for so many years to one person so I probably had a lot of sex without a condom. Which made him ill. He said with a penis, you can "wash" it off but a woman probably has "residue" inside of her forever. Those were his exact words.

He also said he could never have sex with a woman with stretch marks because if he saw them, it was "evidence" a man was there. Because a baby had grown there.

Honestly, I probably had less sex in the 25 years I was with my XH than a single person. He thought that was gross too but at least in his mind a single woman would have used a condom. I think he wanted a middle-age virgin, really.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7456 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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