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User Topic: more confused after talking to WH
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am in so much pain right now. I have never felt so bad in my life. i have no one to talk to and my dog is afraid of me because i can't stop crying. i don't know what else to do except to post here. i am so glad you all are here.

things are not going well at all. WH and i have been talking and he has answered all my questions and more. that should be a good thing right? it just hurts so bad and i don't know anything.

Our conversations have gone from being hopeful that things can be better to there is no way we can be together and everywhere in between. right now he doesn't believe that i will ever be able to forgive him-he can't get past that so is reluctant to consider R. thinks i will be better off without him. he is mad at me for going through his computer and says he can't trust me anymore (WTF?)
but then at other times he says he's hopeful-that he sees where he thinks things can be different in our M.

we talked about separtating. he wants to "clear" his head and take some time to decide what he wants. i know it is too new to be really sure of anything and i am afraid of making a mistake. i don't know if that is a good idea or not. from some of the things he said it seems that his mind is made up and he wants out of this M and just doesn't have the balls to say it. that pisses me off. part of me thinks that the separation is just his pussy way of making it easier to break things off with me. I know he won't be seeing OW as she lives in another state so it's not about seeing her. if we separate-i will be doing it under the assumption that he needs time to sort things out(as he says) but i really think he will just be moving on. So then should i move on? you can't work on a M if you are not together. he keeps bringing up things from the past that were bad in our M and stating that he doesn't see how we can repair "all of that" he says there is just SO MUCH STUFF i told him that the only thing we need to decide is if we are willing to try. that is all we can do at this point. we would have to re-evaluate things as we go along to determine if we want to continue. we can't fix everything all at once.
sometimes he seems to want this and others i don't think he even wants to give it a try.

I guess i have to just move on and separate because i can't make him want to be with me or work on things. and i won't beg him.

but then he says that since i don't know what is going on with my job (my company declared bankruptcy and might be bought out) and since i may be unemployed soon that we could just stay together until i know more.

I would be the one moving out because if we D i would move closer to family which is out of state. if i were to do that it would take a little while to get a job there. i would live with family at first. i dont see the sense in making him leave the apartment that he will continue to live in when/if i am gone. other than the good feelings that must come with kicking someone out who deserves it.

he also is talking about using his flyer miles to go away for a few days by himself. to get away from everything. I understand wanting to escape but it pisses me off that he is considering this while we are in crisis. MAN UP AND FIGURE YOUR SHIT OUT

i don't know which way is up or what to do next. is this craziness normal? how do you know which direction to go or even when to go? is it giving someone space or letting them escape having to deal with you? i don't know what the hell is going on.
at least i stopped crying from writing this. seriously, you guys are the only thing keeping me together at all. i hope you all know that just by being here you have already helped me immensely.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

also want to add that while i am not 100% sure that things are fixable i do know that i want to at least try. i still love him and believe that we can build a different kind of/better relationship then we had before. i am in IC so a lot of what i didn't do well in our relationship (and in life to be honest) i am already working on. not that i created the bad M, but i played my part.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Canteat,

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. I don't know any of the details of your story (it might be a good idea to post a synopsis in your profile, so people can go there to read what happened) but a few things do jump out at me from reading your post.

First, lets revisit this:

Our conversations have gone from being hopeful that things can be better to there is no way we can be together and everywhere in between. right now he doesn't believe that i will ever be able to forgive him-he can't get past that so is reluctant to consider R. thinks i will be better off without him. he is mad at me for going through his computer and says he can't trust me anymore (WTF?)
but then at other times he says he's hopeful-that he sees where he thinks things can be different in our M.

He doesn't sound remorseful. That's a big, big problem. The conventional wisdom is, you cannot have reconciliation without remorse. S, problem one, no remorse, if that's true, is a big, big problem.

Problem 2: He's blaming you for discovering his affair. This is unfortunately very common. It makes no sense. Hey, how else we're you going to find out about it, read about it in the newspaper? How you found out is only a footnote to the story now. The story is not about that, it's about what he did, why he did it and how he feels about it now. ....and his saying that he can't trust YOU now, I think you can safely ignore that world class misdirection, unfair bullshit. You said it right, WTF.

Problem 3: He's saying you'll never forgive him. O.K., fair enough, maybe you won't. But, his lack of interest in that risk is an indication that he doesn't really want the M much. It's the opposite of him saying, "I will do anything and everything for the CHANCE that one day you will forgive me." It's just disingenuous to say, "it's over, sob, sob, because you can't trust me. I know you won't be able to, so I quit."

Problem 4:

at other times he says he's hopeful-that he sees where he thinks things can be different in our M.

...very big of him. It sounds like he might be willing to give YOU another chance. This is not remorse.

Problem 5: He wants to run away for awhile. Again, this is the opposite,of what you would like to be seeing.

I'm sorry. To me, it doesn't look very good, from the information you've provided so far. It sounds like he wants out, but doesn't want to say it.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 942 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's saying you'll never forgive him. O.K., fair enough, maybe you won't. But, his lack of interest in that risk is an indication that he doesn't really want the M much. It's the opposite of him saying, "I will do anything and everything for the CHANCE that one day you will forgive me.

Wow, that is eye-opening for me. thank you.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Can't eat)))))

I'm so sorry for your pain; I know how horrible it is.

I hope you have read in the Healing Library. I'm glad you are in IC. I hope you realize that you did not make your H cheat. We all make mistakes in life and in M; in a mature relationship we work together to fix things, not blow up a grenade.

Your H is saying and doing classic "fog" wayward things. You can not nice or love him into changing his mind; that has to come from him, if it ever does. Your best bet is to work on regaining your own strength.

And I fear that his "trip" would be to see the OW. That's his choice; just don't be waiting for him when he comes back.

You have built a life with this man; he knows you. You have proven your worth. You need to do nothing more than protect yourself and hold on to your dignity.

Keep posting-- we will be here for you.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 6:34 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I want to separate to see what I really want" is WS-speak for "I can't see/communicate with my AP with you watching, and I want BOTH of you, so I'm gonna slink outta here and do what I can behind your back"


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3612 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reread nomistakeaboutit's post - I agree 100 percent with all 5 points.

Add to that what Catlover said, because my first thought was that he was using his flyer miles to go see OW, to check out his options without closing the door on his safe place to land, namely: you.

That said - he isn't showing remorse, and doesn't as yet seem to have the will to do whatever it takes to R. Sounds like he might accept a rug-sweep, but trust me - that will not work out well for you!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
featherweight
♀ Member
Member # 22690
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto what take2 said, every word.
His trip is to try the other option out. His talk of possible future with you is to string you along until he decides. Been there fell for that crap.

Detach and focus on your future, your needs, your life without him. You have nothing tondiscuss while he's in this place. It is the only hope for getting him to pull his head outta his ass. If you hang around and talk to him about what he wants he will continue to be a cake eater as long as he can.

Take care of yourself. Drink ensure if you can't eat. I lost too much weight when I was in your situation. Ensure kept me alive. (Hugs)


Me:BS 41, WH 40 Married almost 10yrs
our precious little DD is almost 5.
WH had EMA with CoWorker for 2+yrs. D-day 12/08, separated 18mos.
R started 2010, decided to live together again after 18mo, very hard to trust again. Still trying.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: FL
swizzlestick03
♀ Member
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something else to consider--after I discovered my husbavd's affair, he also pulled the "lets separate so we can clear our heads" bullshit. That's code for "I am still knee-deep in the affair and want to keep seeing here while I see what you are going to do."

Take your time, take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.


Me: BW-32
Him: WS-31
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One small kiddo.

Posts: 562 | Registered: Nov 2010
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you all. your posts have helped to give me some clarity. I am making arrangements (short term) to stay with a friend to give me some time to figure out something more permanent. My friends husband and daughter are away through the month of july (daughter with her dad and husband working out of state) I will be able to stay with her starting sometime this week. her parents are visiting her now so it will not be until they leave. not sure what day but it will be in the next few.

Before you all jump on me for leaving instead of kicking him out-I don't want the responsibility of the apartment we are in together now. I cannot afford it on my own and will not tolerate him subsidising me. (turns my stomach thinking about it) If we are heading for D, I will be moving out of state to be closer to friends and family so I will have no need for the residence.

Unfriended him and his family from FB. sent a message to those closest to me to tell them that for my sanity I could not have any reminders of him. No bad mouthing or woe is me-just to the point. I really wanted to bitch and vent to them and refrained-point to me!


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if you'd want to hear from a wayward but a quick aside. My SO and I separated after my confession but only because he requested it and told me to leave for awhile, so I packed a bag and left until he asked me to come back. I offered a gps tracker. Texted whenever I changed locations. Called and left voicemails. I stopped calling so much when he asked me to. In the meantime I went to IC, read books, read articles and spoke to family only and FOM only. I also begged for him to give me a chance. I kept saying please on my hands and knees and he asked please what. I said please give me a chance to prove to you that we can be good, that I can be the woman you fell in loved with. Give me a chance to love you and help you feel safe again. I did not beg for forgiveness, I didn't expect it. I just wanted a chance.

His requesting a separation is him not being committed. He is trying to twist it and blame you. Do not let him. I don't see remorse in him from what you wrote. Detach, 180 and work on you. Once he realizes you're okay without him chances are he'll come back trying to do it right this time. Thing is if you work on you enough it may be too late for him.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2704 | Registered: Oct 2012
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Canteat)))

I applaude you for moving forward on your own. I know you were willing to work together with him to save your marriage. You, and others here, have correctly assessed he isn't ready or willing to do the same. Yes, he has some misgivings, but it's still all about him. These things rarely turn on a dime, so I shouldn't expect he'll be there for you anytime soon. You'll have to learn to take care of yourself. A job made all the more difficult because you are facing the loss of your marriage and your dreams for the future. You can do it. You'd be surprised what you can do when you have no other choice.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
Dec15
♀ Member
Member # 19265
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, I remember you from last weekend, I think. You discovered the A and your WH's plans to meet the OW while your WH was away giving a training. You were thinking of not being there when he came home, but he talked you out of doing this, , promising NC with the OW until he came back and you could talk face to face. That was you, right?

Last week, When it appeared that he broke his promise of NC with OW, I recommended that you deal with him from a position of strength: consult an attorney; tell him not to return to your home and that you would contact him when you were ready to talk. I still recommend a variant of this, but now you might have to up the ante in order to have any effect: not only leave, but consult an attorney and file for D and tell him you have done so. I know you do not want to D but you cannot let him remain in this position - having time to explore a new relationship and keeping you as Plan B - for very long. As things are now he has absolutely no reason to get off the fence and commit to R with you. You are giving him exactly what he wants - the time and space to pursue two options - OW and you. There is nothing you can do to remove OW as one of his options; the only thing you can do is remove yourself as one of his options. This might make him come to his senses. It also might not, but, honestly, do you still want him if he is willing to just let you go?

Sorry is this sounds at all harsh, but my own and numerous others' experiences have convinced me that the only way to successfully deal with a cheating spouse is through a position of strength.


FBS/FWS/FBS with XH
Divorced 11/2010
In a relationship with a WONDERFUL man. Engaged 04/2012

Posts: 161 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Oklahoma
Topic Posts: 13

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