I have been married to my husband for 8 1/2 years now and am currently about 5 months pregnant with our first child. Generally speaking he is a great man: good provider, steps up to the plate, educated, and dependable. However, he can be quite the cynic and not the most patient when it comes to sex: he tends to have an all-or-nothing attitude and almost comes off as a spoiled child when he doesn't get his way sexually. His libido is always raging and I have become known to him as "the prude" or "the ice queen" (his words).
Anyway, to get to the point, I found out about his most recent (yes, as in it's happened more than once) escapade a few months ago; he went to Texas to visit family, says he got drunk and picked up a random woman in a bar and had unprotected sex with her. He only told me because he was freaked out about possibly catching an STD and passing it on to me and hurting our unborn child. This conversation led to his revelation that he has cheated on me 2 other times since we've been married and once while we were engaged, all ONS. (The one that occurred while we were engaged I already knew about, but he didn't tell me until after we were married).
His MO seems to be that he claims he can't go more than a few weeks without sex, so whenever he goes out of town to visit friends/family or for military training he gets drunk and makes bad decisions. I think this is a load of crap because he has no problems not having relations with me when he's pouting about not getting what he wants and he doesn't always do this when he goes out of town. He wants me to believe that he is a sex addict and that he just can't help himself; he likens it to feeling like a 'caged wolf' and that by me denying him what he wants it just makes him bitter and more inclined to seek it elsewhere. He has said he doesn't understand why it's such a big deal when it's meaningless sex.
After the last revelation and him claiming to be a sex addict, I did a lot of research on the area we were about to be moving to and found several support groups for people that suffer from sexual addictions that he could attend. He agreed that he needed help and said that he would look into it when we arrived. I guess I'm finally sharing my story today because here it is about 3 months later and there has been no talk of him going to groups. He has a new job that keeps him very busy and I'm not worried about him repeating his prior actions, at least not at the moment, as his overall behavior of going out and getting drunk which stirs up his lust and leads to be decisions has not happened once since we arrived. However, we continually argue about the frequency and quality of the sex we have. As I mentioned early, he says I'm very frigid and that sex is one-sided; I will agree that I am very passive when it comes to sex. I feel very awkward about initiating it and most times the experience is not enjoyable, as unfortunately it takes a lot to get me going and he just doesn't have the patience for that. Sex with him is almost demeaning sometimes as he is into a lot of things that I have no interest in whatsoever, and when I deny him those things he gets angry and shuts me out for days on end. I have offered to have sex more frequently with him, but he says he's not interested if I'm not, but then gets angry if I take to long to get around to doing something with him.
I know this has turned into a more of a relationship post than dealing with the cheating, but I really feel the two are completely intertwined. I always said before I got married that infidelity would be a deal breaker, as it was the cause of my own parents' divorce. Now I'm torn; I can forgive his behavior but I feel that my willingness to forgive makes him think it's okay in one way or another. Just thinking about it still moves me to tears so I'm obviously not over it, but I feel like such a fool because at the end of the day I know I'm not going anywhere. I don't know how to feel worthwhile anymore and honestly feel like he should be kissing my a** in a sense because HE'S the one that keeps screwing up, not me, yet I always feel like the bad guy when we have these arguments. I just don't know what to do anymore.
[This message edited by mellie99 at 9:29 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]
Ok...so here's my take.
Why doesn't he turn you on. That's not right. He should be a bit morose that with all of his sexual prowess, he can't get you all "hot and bothered" as they say.
What does that say about him? He's really not that good in bed.
Here's the difference. I've thought about this a lot, lately, since my WH has been found doing multiple disgusting sexual adventures with multiple different women for a good price.
My WH only knows how to f*^%. He has absolutely NO idea how to make love. Sex with him was hard and rough and I felt like he was raping me, because I had to endure and pretend to be pleased just so he would stop.
For me, making love is bonding on a soul level. It's becoming one with the person you love.
For men who think sex is just sex, it's because it's only about the physical for them. There are so many men, and probably many women, who are virgins to love making. They've never been bonded on a soul level.
The problem is to get your husband to understand the difference and why sex just for sex is wrong.
Maybe you could look at your husband, sadly, and ask him if he would ever like to lose his love making virginity, you would be happy to help. In the meantime, you just aren't that good in bed. (men seem to think what they see on porn videos is what all women want).
Now two things struck me when I was reading your story. And forgive me, but is he 12 or an adult male? Because he sounds like a child who cries "Whaa, Whaa" when he doesn't get his way or his favorite toy to play with, in this case, you. The second thing is that if he isn't happy with the sex the two of you have, then HE'S the one not putting enough effort in. In other words, if he took the time to make sure you enjoyed the sex, then he would enjoy it more too. By not being patient enough to "get you going", he is short changing you both. Good or great sex comes from what you put into it. He isn't putting the effort in where you are concerned, so you don't enjoy it enough to want it more often. Which makes him not happy, but still doesn't give him an excuse to look for sex elsewhere. Have the two of you ever considered MC and/or IC in order to work some of this out? It might help you become more able to let him know what you need as far as sex is concerned. It might also help him understand he needs to be more patient and extend more effort into sex where you are concerned.
I am sorry that you find yourself here. Infidelity is horrible. I, too, once said that infidelity would be a deal breaker. Unfortunately at that time, I didn't take into account the depth of my love for my FWH or our children's feelings. I hope you can find the help that you and your WH need here on SI. It's a truly wonderful place. I am 3 1/2 yrs out from D-day and we are fully R'd. It hasn't been easy for either of us, but it is worth it.
[This message edited by 3boys at 10:00 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]
I've told him over and over again that there is more to intimacy than having sex, and more than once his response has been that 'foreplay is a waste of time' because there's no guarantee of getting anything out of it. For example, yesterday he asked me for anal sex (sorry, I know TMI). I have tried several times before and absolutely hate it because #1 it's painful and #2 I have no interest in it whatsoever. Everytime we try and it doesn't work he says he won't ask again, but then when he does and I tell him no he gets angry. His response yesterday after going back and forth about how I'm so passive in bed blah blah blah was "fine, I don't want anything from you then; I don't want hugs and I don't want to cuddle. Don't touch me ever again". Of course my feelings were hurt but I've reached a point where I almost don't care anymore because it's so childish.
I also told him yesterday that I don't enjoy sex with him often, but when I do it's always the times when I feel like we actually connected: we spent time together before hand and one thing led to another, so it was the culmination of things that made it great. Your analysis of being f***ed is exactly how I feel most of the time; I flat out told him yesterday that sometimes he makes me feel like a whore because at the end of the day I just give in so he'll leave me alone. His sexual stamina is not very good so if I actually get into it 9 times out of 10 he's done before me anyway; it almost feels like a waste of time for me.
I know my lack of interest pushes him away, but I still don't think that excuses his behavior. He tries to minimize it and tell me he wouldn't care if I slept with other guys if that's what it took for me to "get off", but what he doesn't seem to get is I don't WANT other guys. I didn't marry him for sexual gratification, I married him because I love him and it kills me that he doesn't seem to get how the two are connected. We had a heart to heart once where he told me that he feels like he doesn't deserve good things in his life including me and that he will sometimes sabotage things as a way of punishing himself. That stuck with me and, good or bad, may be the main reason I'm not willing to give up so easily. I'm a rescuer and hate giving up on people, though in this case it might be the wrong decision. I just hate giving up on everything over something that seems like it should be easily fixed, you know?
Yes, your assessment of him being childish is accurate; you're not the first person to say it and I know you won't be the last. I don't know where this immaturity stems from, though he has made comments in the past about life not being fair and how he should be rewarded for not being a 'bad person' and not understanding why he doesn't get what he wants in life. I'm just flabbergasted that he has it so together in most aspects in life but when it comes to relationships he's terrible. Again, I don't want to make it seem like I don't share part of the blame in this; I know I have my own issues to work out when it comes to my self esteem and attitude towards sex. I feel like I'm being a little whiny because I see so many of you have had to deal with longstanding affairs where as his have been little blibs over the course of the 11 years we've been together. I know it doesn't make it right at the end of the day, but somehow it doesn't seem as bad...
[This message edited by mellie99 at 10:36 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]
I hope my post will help a little. From what I read of your post, our experiences with WH's attitudes re sex/marriage are almost identical...
This kind of abuse within the marriage /relationship hits a hot button with me :-<>
My WH has had a blazing libido also..WH dealt with my occasional no's to his requests for sex/certain sex acts in the same exact way as yours...Lots of pouting....Whining....Mean killer stares were sent my way..My WH thought that having a strong libido and interest in sex was enough to make him the King Stud of Sex..He thought I was a frigid prude.. Many times he killed the mood of the sexual moment with mean words, some of which I will never forget..
Eventually my turning him down for sex became more frequent because of his shitty attitude and the life changing stress I was under just before I found out about his A..
WH's attitude in the wake of D day made it impossible for me to want to have sex with him ever again..
He blamed his A on not getting enough sex and attention at home..He gave me a certain time period to shape up sexually/ provide him more attention or the marriage was over..
I did a 180...WH did not get to enjoy the benefits or perks of being married to me....
I made no immediate decisions..
After a while I decided that his brain and common sense were both overtaken by trolls and the baby snake that hides in his underwear..I realized that he wasn't going to come out of the fog...
I threw in the towel on saving the marriage..
This attitude of whining and and making another's life miserable within the relationship if one doesn't get what he or she wants is emotional abuse..
In our case it was emotional and sexual abuse..If the partner didn't get what he wanted he withheld love/kindness/affection..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:31 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]
And the only truism is that pain is pain. Your pain is not greater or lesser than anyone else's. It's yours. Own it and don't trivialize it. Your marriage was entered into with your own set of expectations and hope. Don't trivialize that. If what he did was outside of your vows and expectations, then you have been betrayed. Thinking that "it's not THAT bad" is a way of denying how bad it is and how badly you are hurt. And it's buying into his statement
He has said he doesn't understand why it's such a big deal when it's meaningless sex.
It wasn't meaningless sex to you. You were hurt. You are hurt. Badly. It wasn't a blip. It was a deliberate choice to hurt you, betray you, and by having unprotected sex, it was a deliberate choice to play Russian Roulette with your health. And your baby's health.
Sweetie, we're all here for you. We all want to support you. And at times, we will point out something like the above that, while I personally hope doesn't offend you, that you need to consider. You're worth SO much more than what you're being offered. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Married or not, no one, NO ONE can force you to do anything sexually that you don't want to do. Period. The End!!!
Since you have communicated to him how to satisfy you and that you are not into rough porno sex, you don't have to justify your feelings about how you would like to be 'loved'. Even if he is your husband.
You are a loving sexual being. Your body is a temple, Not Chattel.
Does Mr. Mellie watch Porn...a lot? For some people (not all people) Porn de-sensitizes their response to a loving sexual relationship. Throw in Erectile Dysfunction and it is a recipe for disaster. Their brains response to 'regular' or non-porno style sex has been rewired to only be satisfied with rough fantasy sex. If you can call it that. Unfortunate but true.
That may be what your looking at.
I know that I will be shot out of the water with the porno equation but I have lived it.
Mr. Happy's slide down the slippery slope started with porn. Then he became unhappy with my real body because he could satisfy himself with masturbating to a video image. Two things happened. One, I could not compete with a porno queen, partly because they get paid to take it up the butt and by then I had had 3 kids so my body does not look like them; and two, masterbating takes less time and effort for him to cum. He has to put in more effort with me, I refused to be just fu*ked. So he suffered from premature ejaculation or ED. No fun for me. So then I was the prude or I did not understand him or I was selfish because I did not initiate sex (who wanted fast, rough, unsatisfying sex??) so he found a slut that did not care what kind of sex she got from him as long as she got him.
These are things that you cannot fix. Much like an alcoholic or drug abuser, he has to acknowledge that he has a problem and then seek help on his own.
Just know it is not you. You are not a 'prude' or an 'ice queen'. His name calling is disrespectful and immature.
I mean really...who would want to give their loving body to some fool who calls them rude names and can't even screw??
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
I'm still trying to get to the point where I can honestly say to myself I deserve better and mean it. Until then, the feelings of guilt and 'what could I have done differently?' continue.
To answer your question Getting To Happy, yes, he DOES watch porn and masturbates quite frequently to my understanding. I have flat out told him on more than one occasion that I will not be compared to the women in the videos because, like you said, they get paid to do what they do. If that was my job I'd act my heart out as well. I don't really mind the porn and masturbation as much as I used to, as if that's what it takes for him to reach satisfaction without pressuring me to do things then so be it. Most of my earlier disgust with it was the fact that I was raised in a strict Christian household and such acts were seen as sinful. That being said, I have no doubt that I am being compared to the women he sees in the videos when we have sex, but I figure that's on him. On the rare occasions when I AM sexually aggressive I'm too much for him to handle...*ugh*. For now I'm going to focus on me as much as I can until the little one gets here.