Just thought I’d pass along a valuable lesson I recently learned about dating during or right after a divorce. Keep in mind I’m no expert here… in fact far from it.
Anyway, it has to do with moving too fast if you should find someone you’re interested in. I’ve discovered the hard way that it’s imperative to move slowly and not push anything. While this sounds like common sense; and while many former BS’s who are close to, or now divorced say they won’t date for a very long time, be very aware *it can happen*!
I was one of those BS’s who thought I wouldn’t find someone for a very long time after my D. Just the idea of it 4 months ago was abhorrent to me. I found out real quick what a misnomer this is. Anyone at anytime can meet someone that peaks their interest. That’s OK but it can also be extremely dangerous if pushed or prodded. Many of us BS’s were abused in our past marriage or relationship and we crave affection and affirmation whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not. When we meet someone who we are attracted to that offers that affection/affirmation, we can easily go overboard with our emotions because it fills a deep empty void in us. Also, if the relationship lasts any length of time, we can easily become addicted to it as well. When that happens we tend to ride a relationship high that can resemble complete euphoria. We don’t think clearly when this happens and subsequently disregard input that would be red flags in any other situation.
Let me share a short story regarding how awful things can get if what I’ve posted above should happen to you….
Two months ago I went to a singles dance in my area. I went just wanting to get out and not with the idea of meeting someone. Well, I did meet someone and this lady was a pro at telling me just what I wanted to hear. She lavished that affection/affirmation on me I talked about and I ate it up like a high school kid. She was also divorced and knew exactly the right things to say and do because she had 3 years of experience at it. She continued to pour it on and I became so enamored that I was writing love poems to her within a month… (stupid I know but a perfect example of how this scenario can go). My friends both in RL and online begged me to take things slow but I was ridding that high and totally disregarded their advice… in essence, I thought I knew it *all*.
Fast forward to the last few weeks and now the red flags have become full blown nukes aimed right at my face. Kind of hard to ignore those no matter how bad you have the romantic warm fuzzies. I now find out this woman is very unstable, has mental issues and had a restraining order placed on her in her last relationship. So I’m just trying to find a way to get out of the relationship because now I’m not *in so called love* anymore, but rather scared out of my wits. So I put my Big Boy pants on and end it with her and now instead of affection/affirmation, I’m spending my time checking my stove for boiling rabbits (remember Fatal Attraction?). Trouble is I’ve opened up my whole life to this woman so she knows where I live, who my friends are, where I like to hang out etc… etc… She has attached herself to me full fold and is now in stalker mode. It gets so bad that I wake up one morning at 5:30am and she’s in my driveway sleeping in her car!
This story is ongoing (i.e., not resolved yet) and my sole reason for relaying it is to warn others about what can happen if you chase something you think you want/need without doing proper due diligence and really thinking it though. While my current situation is bad, I will get through it and come out on the other end much wiser just like I did when my M ended.
I guess this whole post could have been shortened down to three very important words… TAKE.IT.SLOW because by doing that it helps take all the knee jerk emotion out of play allowing you to get a clear unobstructed view of who & what you’re getting involved with.
So that’s it. My hope is that this post may help someone else and maybe keep them from making the same mistakes I did. Thanks for reading.
[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 12:57 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]
Sometimes I think I'm lucky that I had little dating success. Who knows what I might have gotten myself into...
[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 1:11 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
I appreciate the vicarious lesson Panic. It helps to reaffirm that the hole has to be filled from inside first, despite the occasional boredom and loneliness, (and the outside pressure to get out there...) I don't envy you the fallout of the lesson learned...
[This message edited by Take2 at 1:51 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]
It helps to reaffirm that the hole has to be filled from inside first, despite the occasional boredom and loneliness, (and the outside pressure to get out there...)
So very well put Take. I only wish I would have heeded this excellent advice as I wouldn't be constantly looking over my shoulder (or at the stove) now.
Reminds me of the stories Ann Rule writes about....true crime novels where someone ends up at the bottom of the ocean tied up with an anchor.......but it all started when the dead person got fooled and sewpt off their feet by the con game of an NPD/sociopath.
I joke about the air horn, but after the Jodi Arias trial - it isn't wise to under-estimated the depth of crazy in a feminine package.
It might be wise to find out from the pro's how best to handle this. Shields up Panic!
If you haven't already I'd be alerting the police. Do not worry about feeling foolish - worry about your safety. Keep a log of all of the crazy. Take photos/video of her in your driveway. DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HER WHATSOEVER.
You don't know what fuckery she could pull or false claims she could make.
Bunny boilers (male and female) are very very difficult to spot even when we are healed and ready IMO. They are very very good at hiding it. I DO believe we are less appealing to them when we are healthy.
And, if it makes you feel better - most of us ignore the sage wisdom of these boards a few times before we 'get it'.
I have been dating very casually and have had to cool it for several reasons - no bunny boilers but complications I'm just not ready for. I told myself casual = no complications. I was wrong.
I dated your friends brother, and if it wasn't for another friend reading me his rules for dating... stalker Pete would know everything about me. That was 10 years ago... I still have his name and number in my phone.... because every once in a blue moon... he calls. I don't pick up, and he leaves a message. I have not spoken to him in almost 9 years. He calls at least once a year.
Get the restraining order... The police already know she is crazy... you won't be embarrassing her. If she was embarrassed by the first restraining order, she wouldn't be sleeping in your driveway!
Then start filling that void from the inside first! I really like that and it is true.
Keep us posted... now you have me worried for you. I am a worry wort.
Also, since my last post I've received almost 70 texts and 25 emails.... can you say "obsessive"? One of her text ended with "----, you know I'm not crazy." Why on earth would anyone even say that unless they actually are!? BTW, I did not respond to any of the texts or emails.
Last but not least, I know this isn't a laughing matter but I love the term "Bunny Boilers"! Much more colorful then naming it from the other end "Stove Watcher".
[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 11:26 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]
Weeding your lawn? Far out. I can't work out what is creepier - the sleeping in her car or the weeds.
I would not be at all comfortable with any of this. That she is a woman doesn't make it any less scary, IMO.
I can't take credit for Bunny Boiler - Glen Close coined it. Its a pretty funny name for what is not a very funny situation.
Let us know how you go tomorrow.
no she isn't crazy.. she is just insane.
I went to the county prosecutors office today and met with an assistant PA. Told her whole story and she filed a
*Civil Protection Order (*exactly same thing as RO, just a fancier name). She parroted your advice and said *not* to fool around with an issue like this especially since GF already had RO in place before. She should be served by Wednesday.
Oddly, I have not received one text or email today. However, she does have an early work schedule so it will be interesting to see what happens tonight. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she's just given up, although with her mental state I know that's probably wishful thinking.
The other crummy part of all this is that I'm gonna have to back off on some of the *Meetup* events I like to attend. They're mostly out in her area and I know if she see's I'm singed up for any she'll make a point to be there. Don't need the drama of dealing with her in front for other people I know right now. So *it is what it is* and I'll just lay low for a bit. I'll survive like I always have.
Reminds me of a buddy in Missouri that got divorced and met a neo-natal nurse right away.
He started dating her and things were fine and then to his surprise, she moved into his house while he was at work!
He asked her to leave, but she worked her charms on him and managed to get his permission to stay.
She then started drinking heavily all the time and even going to work drunk. Somehow it was ok.
He finally told her to move out and their conversation became heated and she went to the cops and got a restraining order on him!
She left his house, but left all her things there like furniture, clothes,etc.
He had to fight to stay in his own house and after weeks of litigation, she was ordered to move out.
I went to his house to guard his things and this gal, her Dad, and brother came and got her stuff under my watchful eye and with a policeman present.
Her Dad was really angry at my friend for tossing her out and he had also heard that he was saying negative things about her.
He made some threats to me about the situation.
A couple months later, she saw him with another woman and came up behind him and jumped on him and tried to choke him.
We can all learn from these things and I would counsel you to only vent here, on SI, and to trusted local friends.
Fatal Attraction was one of the scariest movies I have ever seen. I think all newly single folks should watch it - men and women!
I got really lucky with my SO..
[This message edited by Bebba1171 at 5:20 PM, July 1st (Monday)]
A couple months later, she saw him with another woman and came up behind him and jumped on him and tried to choke him.
Well thank you for scaring the ever living shit out of me B1171! WOW! What a story that is. It's also the exact reason I'm so concerned about the Meetup events I talked about. I could see her getting hysterical if see saw me just talking to another woman at one.
Good lord.... we sure do pay for our mistakes in life don't we!!??
Years ago I spent a single night with this guy and spent the next few months being harassed at work, at bars, at my home, he even followed me to my Drs surgery once. In his twisted mind he thought it romantic. Never overtly threatening but I was on high alert - TBH I keep expecting to bump into him even today, almost 20 years later.
What's that joke - to a stalker it's a romantic walk that only one party knows about.
Keep doing what you're doing. You could even ask for her to be removed from one or more of your MeetUp groups if you are heavily involved (the order would mean she'd have to step back anyway). IMO they would want to be warned that there is a bucket of crazy on the loose.
The day the first RO expired, he showed up on her doorstep. Judge issued another 2 year RO.
Just be careful.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings