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User Topic: How do you keep an even keel while dating?
lieshurt
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Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could well be that mine are high, but I'm physically fit, and want to be with a woman who is also fit.

I believe many of us already knew this was your issue when it came to the women you have not been attracted to. Do you state very clearly in your profile that you only want physically fit women and do you define what physically fit is to you?

It seems to me that you are wasting a whole bunch of women's time and your own because you aren't being clear with them about what you are not willing to settle for.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13724 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Women rarely contact me. I'm the one who reaches out.

As for the women I haven't been attracted to, there were a few who were surprisingly overweight in person. I trusted their self-description as being accurate, but I've learned that's unwise. Full body shots are necessary. IBut even that can be deceptive, when the photos are quite old (which has also happened to me).

Others have been fine, physically, but personalities weren't a match for me. (I'm not entirely one dimensional.)


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy-go-lucky is not really my character.

Hmm. No, you obviously aren't too intense at all.

Like Amazonia mentioned, you are getting the exact same advice every single time you post about OLD. Idk why you are still discounting it.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3058 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What advice am I discounting? The "chill out" advice?

I've agreed that I need to go in with less hope/expectation that a date will end up going somewhere in the long run...


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Women rarely contact me. I'm the one who reaches out.

That doesn't matter. If you aren't clearly stating that you want physically fit and define what that means to you, then some may have a misconception about what you are looking for when they read your profile. If you have to, provide an example pic of what you are looking for. Of course, others just aren't honest or are a bit delusional about their true size. I don't don't how you'll avoid them.

ETA....being physically fit does not necessarily equal having an athletic body and vice versa....something to consider when stating you want a physically fit woman.

I'm not entirely one dimensional.

Just mostly j/k

Look, there is nothing wrong with having your preference. I know I can't date men shorter than me. Just not going to happen. However, if your feel strongly about your preference and rarely, if ever, deviate from it, then be very clear and upfront about what you want.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 2:08 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13724 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "chill out" advice?

Yes that, and the being so goal and checklist-focused that your dates can feel it no matter how personable you think you are being.

Look, I know that I can out intensify you and out analyze you. I'm sympathetic to those habits b/c I have them. That's why I repeatedly call you out on them, b/c I get it. But you just can't wave that flag all the time. You have to step back and relax and let people be a little. You might find if you give them room, you will have more in common with them and will like them more.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3058 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you should modify your profile to add attraction requirements. I'd be majorly turned off by something so shallow, even if I met the requirements to a T. Maybe make it more fitness focused, "Can you keep up with me in a 5k or hike the most challenging trail in the city?"

Posts: 3343 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to step back and relax and let people be a little

This has been my aim. I know I could do better, but I'm pretty sure that some of you have an exaggerated notion of how stiff I am on dates.

What may help with this is to go into dates with little to no hope/expectation for LTR possibility. I'm going to take that advice to heart.

If you have to, provide an example pic of what you are looking for

I'm sure that would go over well

All things considered, if I'm interested in seeing where things might go with half of the women I've dated, I'd say I've done a pretty damn good job at filtering up front.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure that would go over well

Hmmm....well, I'm one who'd rather know the truth up front, then have my time wasted. I would think that people like you would appreciate another person with your same viewpoint on being physically fit. Stating that upfront would attract them.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13724 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it getting hot in here?

I think some conceptions are getting exaggerated. I'm no olympic athlete; you'll find plenty of people more fit than myself. Nor have I been dating paragons of fitness. Some people hold extra pounds very attractively.

But yes, appearance matters to me. Matters to most guys. And to most women, too. I'm not going to drone on about it in my profile.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Amazonia
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Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL, count me among those who thinks you have every right to not date someone who you're not attracted to - and to be attracted to fit women!

Some of the profiles I've seen focused on wanting to share physical activities, which was enough for me not to bother, because I know I can't keep up with a really active guy. I mean, I walk a lot and only have 5-10 extra pounds hanging around (which was more like 25-30 back when I was OLD), but athletic I am not! Might be an easy addition that doesn't come across as quite so superficial.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some people hold extra pounds very attractively.
I think this description belongs in my online dating profile! Something like; "I work out, I eat healthily and yet, I'm curvy. Some people hold extra pounds very attractively."

Truth in advertising??

ETA: I agree with AMA, I don't message guys who mention hiking 1400 foot mountains w hen on vacation! So mentioning wanting a running partner etc. may help filter out some women. I have heard from men that many women on OLD ignore this and reach out even when their pictures are from many pounds ago...sort of like all the guys who state that they are 5'10" and show up at my door shorter than me and my 5'8".

[This message edited by better4me at 3:34 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3095 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe make it more fitness focused, "Can you keep up with me in a 5k or hike the most challenging trail in the city?"

This would be a great way to state it if OIAL did these things. Someone who works out, isn't necessarily somebody who has the cardio down. I know people who go to the gym daily, but they couldn't hike a trail or run a 5k to save their lives.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13724 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Works for me, better4me

Maybe "healthy" is a better adjective for what I'm looking for (rather than fit). The thing is, I can't pigeonhole what attracts me.

I've been attracted to a woman who was taller and wider than me, but her curves were delicious. Another woman who was trim, athletic, and rocked the pair of jeans she wore. The last woman I went on several dates with didn't seem strong, and probably would have had trouble running a mile, but her proportions were perfect. Sadly she turned out to be the dessert nazi.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't pigeonhole what attracts me.

What has been the common denominator for the women you didn't find attractive? From what you've posted, it's mostly been the physical that turned you off, so why aren't you able to narrow things down a bit?

Oh, and stating "healthy" isn't going to help. There are some men who like a larger sized woman and they often describe them as "healthy" sized women. You wouldn't want to get confused with one of them


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13724 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll try to remember why I wasn't attracted to my dates.

- One woman freaked me out when she told me she wouldn't be afraid to discipline my children. She also had almost delusional views about how she could affect the current political race. She was quite physically attractive.

- Another hardly spoke a word the entire date. Physically, a little too tall, and her complexion was pasty (I generally prefer to be taller than my date - I'm 5'10"). But if she were more lively, maybe another date??

- One was simply way too heavy for my taste. Her profile was just a face shot and she listed herself as average.

- I turned down two dates that had potential because I don't like to multidate beyond the first date. Were they the only ones I was seeing, I'd have asked for another date. But I was more excited by other prospects at the time.

- Another was too overweight. Not apparent in her photos.

- The dessert nazi was drop dead gorgeous in my eyes. I think that pretty much ended mutually, although it wasn't pretty.

- Another was very overweight. Too bad, because I dug her personality. Couldn't tell from her profile photo because she was sitting. I could see she had extra pounds, but IRL it was too much.

Well, that's the drift I guess. Weight has been an issue for me, but really, only when it's very apparent.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
cmego
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Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put in my profile, "I prefer someone who is healthy. That doesn't mean you have to run marathons, but focused on overall good health, exercise and eating well."

Being perfectly fit isn't what I"m after, more someone who is...healthy. But, I spell it out a little. I can't run marathons because of an IT band...but I'm still doing a fun 5K this weekend. I'm walking. I would never contact someone who said they want an "athlete" because I don't consider myself one. I can play tennis, garden, walk constantly, and like Ama, have 10 pounds that sit there no matter what I do.

I have dated guys waaay shorter than I prefer, didn't bother me. I did meet one guy who was waaay heavier than his photos. He kept saying on the date "I'm in the middle of trying to lose 40 pounds." It honestly ticked me off. Like I wouldn't notice that he was 40 pounds heavier than his photos. It wasn't that I didn't feel attraction to him...it was the deception that I didn't care for. I think there is nothing wrong to try to get a feel for how active they are. "What is there favorite exercise and why? " type questions. That should give you a better feel for their health.

Part of the issue may be you hate the "chatting" part...but if you did it a little bit more, you may be able to weed out someone you know you aren't physically interested in.


I think, for example, you mentioned the last lady was "an 11" on every front. Those are pretty high expectation you put on yourself AND her. I look at every profile and every email with a grain of salt. I don't get my hopes up before a first meet at all. More than likely, one of us is going to self-select out. So, I show up as myself, in what I'm comfortable wearing, no extra makeup or anything. I greet them with "nice to finally meet you", and we chat. That is it. I would much prefer to be pleasantly surprised one of these days, then to constantly feel let down.

I too think there is nothing wrong with bypassing people you aren't physically attracted too. If they don't turn your head on-line....where, lets face it, we have mostly good photos up...then they aren't going to turn your head in person either.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
caregiver9000
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Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And someone that you "dig their personality" after you spend time with them might become the ideal beauty to you.

I don't advertise my size (I am neither fit nor athletic) on my dating profile. I am beautiful and highly intelligent but I make it very clear when asked what I do for fun, my "activities" circle around social things and not hiking or biking.

Would I date someone whose activity level is far different from mine? Sure, if they are independent enough to do those things on their own and not resent me for not participating. I can be a volunteer at the registration desk or help set out route markers.

It's okay to not respond to someone physically. I don't get my feelings hurt when it happens to me. I think this is a great reason to meet for coffee sooner rather than later. Investing too much in a conversational relationship when the chemistry is important might be part of the problem?

Don't project insecurity onto people. Not liking them for any reason is your deal, not theirs. If they are not confident enough that your rejection hurts, then I'd say it was not a good dating prospect for lots of reasons! Basically you are two strangers, and either you go back to being strangers or you become friends.

It is a process and if you enjoy the process, then it is not wasted time for you or them.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5774 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cmego says chat longer and I say meet quickly! Yep, that about sums up advice from women.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5774 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see all your points, and value all your input.

I don't think my filtering system needs much work. After all, if I'm interested in having more dates with roughly half the women I meet, that's a big percentage.

What I need to do is lessen my hopes during early dates, just to keep emotional equilibrium. That might even have a positive effect in terms of my attraction being reciprocated, who knows.

As caregiver said, better not to assume that people are terribly fragile if I'm not interested. That could be projection on my part, because rejection had gotten pretty old for me.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
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