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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do you keep an even keel while dating?
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you also have to keep in mind that just as it isn't all physical for you, it's not all about the physical for women. There are a multitude of reasons for a mismatch, better to just keep looking than try to zone in on one reason and lower your standards.

Posts: 2960 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ care, well...at OIAL too.

I was thinking in terms of physical assessment. If they don't have full body photos posted, then a little bit of extra chatting might tell him what he wants to know about their physical level without the stress of meeting.

In the beginning I didn't post a full body photo and one guy point blank asked me for one. I sent it to him....

I'm all for meeting sooner than later


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 40, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading through this thread again reminds me what a sh*t way OLD is to meet someone. Sure it can work, and it's definitely got to be an arrow in your dating quiver since you never know ... but wow does it front load the picky factor in a way that kind of makes us all seem a bit mean, you know?

And I say this given that I met the guy I'm currently dating in OLD. He and I both joke about it. And then watch Catfish on Mtv together and just find ourselves amazed that we're dating.


BS 45, WH 38
M 8 years, together 10
Real DDay 10/07/11
Too many OW to count.
D final on 6/21/12
You have to walk away from the past in slow motion as it explodes behind you, like in a John Woo movie.

Posts: 2781 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but wow does it front load the picky factor in a way that kind of makes us all seem a bit mean, you know?

Yes, it does. Doesn't feel natural or even very humane. We can try to kid ourselves into thinking it's really nothing more than a fun evening out, but that's incidental to the main underlying purpose. In the end one person usually tells the other they are not interested.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc...totally agree.

It almost forces everything to be shallow because you are "choosing" based on looks and a few written words.

I try to be open when OLD, but, let's face it...I know I'm not going to be attracted to someone 10 year older, overweight who smokes and hunts. He may be perfect for the next girl, but not for me. Therefore, I pass him by without meeting him. Shallow? Not sure...

I know some people agree to go on a date with every person that contacts him. I know a lady locally who had this attitude. She is attractive, mid-50's, jewish, and her H left her for another man (that is how I met her...someone who knew someone connected us). Anyway, her attitude was, "I'm not getting any younger! I mean business!". She literally sometimes went on three dates a day. She went out with anyone who asked her. She told me she took up running to burn the calories from all the meals she ate out.

Guess what? She is getting married next month. They dated less than 6 months. She was very focused on simply getting married again before she was "too old".

Not for me...worked for her.

So, yeah, I think it feels superficial, but don't we all do this in real life too? If I'm out somewhere, I'm scanning the guys. I'm looking. And, really, not going to be that many I'm physically attracted to...just like OLD.

[This message edited by cmego at 5:44 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 40, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but wow does it front load the picky factor in a way that kind of makes us all seem a bit mean, you know?

Yes, it does. Doesn't feel natural or even very humane.

This is exactly why I have shied away from OLD thus far. Unfortunately, I live in a small town where it's church or the bars and that's about it for meeting new people. Neither one is for me. So... limbo it is for now. How long do you think it takes to grow a thick enough skin to jump in to this?!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4631 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long do you think it takes to grow a thick enough skin to jump in to this?!

Different people have different experiences. For some it's an ego boost. For most, not so much.

Then there's me. Such a fool. I have *got* to get over myself already.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you see how much you are able to handle emotionally and move through the relationship. For me it is a slow pace and the right person is willing to wait. Stay true to yourself.

For example if someone is excited to give you a wonderful present but it is over the top and you all have been dating only a week you let them know you appreciate the gift but it is far too generous.

Time is really the only way to find out about someone and truth be told we may not always know ourselves.

Enjoy things you are interested in and you never know who you might come across.


Posts: 662 | Registered: Jul 2012
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well look at all the dating experience you've gotten! Seems like last year you couldn't get any response at all. You had little faith that you'd ever get a date. You were understandably frustrated and fed up. Sometimes just reminding yourself of your progress and having a broader perspective helps. Sometimes I imagine my older self is reassuring my present self. Mostly what helped me keep an even keel,is having a sense of adventure. Each new person I met was an experience I could learn and grow from. I had fun w OLD but admittedly I was on it for a shorter time. Then I found someone and there's a whole new set of 'problems' to deal with as no relationship is always fun and easy.

If you don't relax now and enjoy the scenery when will you? When you are actually in a new relationship? I don't think so, the same anxiety, irritability and impatience will be there


Here's to A New Life of Excellent Health, Financial Abundance, Nature's Beauty, Amazing Art and Personal Creativity, with Love, Beauty and Peace All Around Us.

Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: United States
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great points, IL! And you're right, even though I haven't become steady with anyone, it's definitely been progress (albiet stuttering). I'm having way more success than I did, and enjoying dates much more.

And fireproof, good advice on pacing. People are very different that way. I think I've tended to be purpose driven enough that I've neglected the journey.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love tubby guys. I'm not at all attracted to the fit, body-is-a-temple type. I like bulls, not racehorses.

I'm what most would call average to slim and walk-fit.

I couldn't date a guy with a goatee.

They look ridiculous.

Shallow? Maybe - but I can't help what does and doesn't get my motor running.

Yes he could shave it off but I'm still judging him for having it in the first place.

Yet I have girlfriends for whom this is a massive plus. As are racehorses.

Doesn't change the guys' personality, compatibility or potential to be an amazing life partner.

It just changes my chance of finding out those things about him.

This dating caper is not for the feint hearted. OLD even more so. We don't have any other data to go on so lots of us go on initial chemistry/attraction.

You can't change what you are physically attracted to or what you're not attracted to. I would give the chemistry a bit of time to develop.

I also repeat my suggestion to just enjoy the ride. This is a special time in your life - you can do what you want, when you want, how you want. You're free. Yes it's nice to be "with" someone but its also pretty damn awesome to just be you.

Plus, you'll have lots of funny stories to tell. You didn't do this the first time around - dudes have to kiss a few frogs too, y'know. Knowing what you don't want is just as important as knowing what you do want.

Remember OIAL - someone is looking for you and wondering where the fuck you are too.

Enjoy this part first!! Get to know yourself through this - date yourself for a while whilst going on these dates too.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4488 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should try being bizarro OIAL - do the everything the opposite of what you normally do. Like in the Superman universe. You could call yourself "InfinityInADay" and intend NOT to develop a relationship.

I am serious. What do you have to lose?

-thyme2go- or is it mint-2come


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9143 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome, t2g


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I am now m-2c!!


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9143 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like Thyme's advice.

Mine is also a little non-traditional. How about trying to find the best coffee flavored ice cream (or chili cheese dog, or chi tea, or chocolate croissant in YourHomeTown. Variety is key. Some will be good, some bad, some great. Tell yourself you're not gonna experience chi tea (or whatever *you* desire) with the same person twice. Just keep drinking that chi (or whatever *you* desire). Ask the girl in the library who makes the best chi tea in YourHomeTown. Ask the red head if she'd like to join you for chi tea. But never the same person twice. Have fun exploring. You can even drink chi tea with your Dude fiends.

If you have a bit of fun, and go where the experience takes you, you may meet a couple of new people this summer (in addition to online dating).

Who knows. If you meet a sweetheart in the process, and want to see her again, ain't nobody gonna blame you for picking the Lucky Lady over chi tea.

How's that sound?

[This message edited by ladies_first at 3:51 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL- do you belong to a bunch of meetup groups in your area? I gave up OLD about a year ago and started attending meetup groups... Lots of meetup groups. Hiking, running, art, documentaries, singles, beer lovers, live music. A ton of them. Not just singles...

I got to talk to many, many guys without any commitment and only went out with those I was attracted to. What a concept! Beats OLD any day. After years of OLD I am now in my first committed relationship post-A. I talked to my SO at various meetups for months before actually dating him... at that point I really knew him.

And as an added bonus (well, a bonus to you GUYS out there).... The meetups in my area seem to run about 4-1 girls to guys.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 8:22 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
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