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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Trying to sleep - a little drunk, maybe
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Shutup  Posted: 12:39 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but not successful.

Preface: I'm a really good guy.
I hate change.
I start a new contract tomorrow morning, in Phoenix.

I am in love. I am not yet divorced. Due entirely, I might add, to the court system. I actually had a divorce trial, and it ended in August, 2012. It's not like I'm Mr. Wishy-Washy.

It's just that the wheels of justice grind slowly, and I'm in a sort of limbo because of that.

And because of my history, depression, and situation.

Can I be in love and not headed toward marriage?

That's not my upbringing, nor my history. And yet...

What I have with My Lady is wonderful. Marvellous. Spectacular. Fireworks and comfort, at the same time. She's a goddess. Magnificent.

The biggest problem is the geographical separation, and I'm not sure how to resolve that.

The second problem, however, is the very definition of what our relationship is.

She's divorced; I'm (technically) married. All I can (legally) offer her is myself.

Once the divorce is final, and I am a free man, I could offer more.

But should I? Could I? Would I?

The idea of a 2nd marriage scares the Hell out of me. I used the word "heebie-geebies" tonight conversing with her.

At the same time, I am strictly a one-woman man. She is the 2nd light of my life (after my grand-daughter, and that relationship is quite different).

What does marriage really mean, after the first time? The first time is supposed to be forever. What does that make the second time?

I will admit that I am attempting to make Maker's Mark my sleep aid here, folks. But really once you say "I Love You" and mean it, what is the point of marriage?

Is there a difference between "I love you with all my heart" and "marry me"?

Please define it. Help me out here.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5115 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

apropos of nothing, it appears I need more Maker's Mark.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5115 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I start a new contract tomorrow morning, in Phoenix
Very cool and Good Luck ! Too bad it wasn't in Dallas area.

Can I be in love and not headed toward marriage?
Yes but I think you are a little like me and if I love with my heart then I would want the marriage. Yes I believe marriage is more than a piece a paper or business contract as we find out our previous marriages were.

She's divorced; I'm (technically) married. All I can (legally) offer her is myself.

Once the divorce is final, and I am a free man, I could offer more


Is she worth the wait ? She must think you are because she still wants you in her life to love.

The idea of a 2nd marriage scares the Hell out of me. I used the word "heebie-geebies" tonight conversing with her.
It is very scary ! I have two divorces due to infidelity and I think if I finally do find the right person, I would still have to have a marriage. I don't think living together forever would be enough for me.
At the same time, I am strictly a one-woman man. She is the 2nd light of my life
You are a very lucky couple to have found each other.

Is there a difference between "I love you with all my heart" and "marry me"?
You definitely have to have the first before being ready for the second.

"I Love You" and mean it, what is the point of marriage?
I believe in marriage and saying vows to each other in the presence of God. There are too many people that don't take forever seriously as we all know too well.
Think of it this way, if you weren't going through a divorce (in your case, a LONG DIVORCE), you would have never met and fell in love with the 2nd light of your life.
When doors shut, others open and you my friend have been blessed.
We all doubt taking chances in love after divorce but to never love or be afraid to love again would be keeping a door that is ours to open closed forever.
That is sad.
Hugs
Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 2:01 AM, July 1st (Monday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20322 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you finally found sleep. I haven't

I hope things look better in the sunlight of a new day.

K

PS.. gma has some great answers...


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4839 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
sheila0304
Member
Member # 25041
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ponder the marriage question too.

I'm a romantic and daydream about it all tho the ring, the proposal etc...silly girl.

Marriage to me is still that "all in" until death do us part. I love you with all my heart seems more in the moment so be prepared for a fickle heart to change.


Posts: 1170 | Registered: Aug 2009
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LDR sucks. LDR without an end point in sight sucks even more.

Does she fulfill what you need today? Do you fulfill what she needs today? Are you moving in the same direction emotionally, even if you aren't physically?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13559 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I was still in Phoenix. I'd give you some aspirin and a pat on the back.

I hope the light of day is bringing some clarity. Waiting sucks, but it doesn't go on forever--everything comes to an end, and you two will have a good ending. I can feel it.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19792 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can (legally) offer her is myself.

I have a feeling that your SO understands that and accepts that of you. You two love each other. Enjoy it.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a difference between "I love you with all my heart" and "marry me"
? To me, commitment is commitment. And as we all have experienced here, "marry me" doesn't necessarily mean commitment. Just as "forever" doesn't really mean "forever".

If "I love you with all my heart" means "I am committed to you", "I will try my best to be the man that you need me to be", that would be enough for me. Until the time that you are able to offer more, let this be enough for now. Doubting, heebie-geebies, and wondering are all part of the journey and it is normal and natural to question.

When pondering the future holds too many questions and anxieties and unknowns and keeps me awake at night, I try to refocus on "right now". And I always find that I am okay in the now. Even not knowing the answers; I am still "okay", even struggling with big questions; even when feeling sadness and fear and anxiety; I am "okay".

You'll figure this out...breathe...be

p.s. How's your head this morning? Tylenol and caffeine helping??


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3005 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally know some much older couples (70s) who live together - and have for years - without a marriage license. They do so for financial reasons. Pensions, survivor benefits, etc.

They are no less in love than those couples who have remarried.

I'm jaded. At 52 and with one marriage that lasted nearly 24 years, I don't see a marriage as a necessary thing. I would be no more committed to my SO if we married than I am right now.

The ONLY reason I would do it is for legal or financial reasons and it would be at the courthouse in front of a judge.

JMHO.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7644 | Registered: Aug 2005
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TH, I hope the new contract is going well.

I discussed this very issue last week with a friend.

I really see no point in a piece of paper that says "you're married - if it doesn't work out, you're gonna lose at least half of the stuff!".

I would be happy just to have a steady person in my life to tell me that they love me. I really don't know if I could even live with someone 24/7.

Did the Divorce ruin me, or am I just a realist?

Either way, LDR's totally suck.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7423 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of an official marriage is for community recognition and support.

I would consult w a lawyer bef M now to see how it would affect finances.

Personally I still hold M as a sacred and romantic thing, but mostly right now I am completely ambivalent.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5726 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
lifestoshort
♀ Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

aw thats a sweet post! at least I can see people really can fall in love and find someone that makes them more than before. that sparks every being within them... and makes them skip.
i think you have your answer but do you need to be married is only something you can answer. if you feel you cannot give that ultimate commitment to her, then I say its probably cause you are afraid it can all end again and you think she will leave or something of that sort.
the fear in it all is you just never know what will or wont happen. all you can do is leap and keep putting your best self forward so that you and her are happy.

best wishes. it sounds like you both will make it.


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 677 | Registered: Mar 2008
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think marriage goes beyond a long-term relationship. To state those vows in front of witnesses... still would mean a great deal to me.

Don't let our cheating exes take away the meaning of marriage, and the faith in ourselves and in our partners that it involves.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say about your situation is to get rid of the LD now - else you will pay the price I have. It is devastating.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9174 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
traicionada
♀ Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TH,
I'm the least romantic girl in the planet but when you guys are together; you made believe in happily ever after, on answered prayers but most important on what love was meant to look like and I thank you for it. If someone can make it work, it's you two. BTW, when you settle on a date, I'll need some advanced notice to make sure no major system upgrades are in the works because I totally expect to invited to the wedding


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3243 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Trusted,

Limbo sucks.... but you sound like you are in a good place. You have someone you love and who loves you back... that's a biggie. You are building the basis of a relationship that can last because of love, not because of a piece of paper. Okay, yes, I'm a bit jaded having been M and D twice!

My SO is also technically M, but it doesn't matter to me right now. Maybe it will someday. But I am having the best time of my life. I feel more secure in this relationship of "choice" than either of my Ms.

The LDR thing, though, would be tough. M or not, you guys need to figure out what it will take to be together... at least be in the same state! Life is too short to be apart from those you love. I hope you two can make it work... official government documentation or not

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 10:26 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When pondering the future holds too many questions and anxieties and unknowns and keeps me awake at night, I try to refocus on "right now". And I always find that I am okay in the now.

Very wise words from better4me. If your SO isn't pushing for marriage and it doesn't sound like she is, then relax and enjoy what you have NOW.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4912 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life is too short to be apart from those you love.
Yes. The way I always think about it is ....when I am 99 years old, sitting in my rocking chair, thinking about my life...what regrets might I have? And the answer always centers around those I love.

Property, finances, a stupid piece of paper....not important.....as long as you have enough money to live on and a place to live in, what really matters is those you share your space, your life, and your heart with.

As far as the piece of paper....is it important to either of you? My new SO does want to be married at some point. He has never done the marriage thing and it is important to him, so if we last for a while and things remain good between us....I will probably give in on that one because I really don't care. I am okay with having a non-legal ceremony before the stars with our hearts deciding what is real. But the piece of paper is important to him. For some, it is making it "legal." For some, it is the religious meaning behind the ceremony. For some, it is the official public stance before friends and the community. What does marriage mean to you? I guess it also kind of means that you are serious enough to go thru the trouble of hiring someone to officiate, asking people to come together, figuring out a place, time, date.....it is a hassle....and so maybe going thru all that hassle for someone else might seem important to some....

I am in love.
Yeah, and I know it is mutual. So you two will figure this out, together. Because the only ones that can really make this decision is the two of you.

And good luck and congratulations on that new contract!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15097 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 19

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