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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why do I even bother having a relationship with my mom?
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Suspicious  Posted: 8:06 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So....my mother and I have not had a good relationship ever since she became a WS and cheated on my dad and leaving him after a 32 year marriage for MOM (ironic....mom left dad for a mom (married other man). Anyways.... she hasn't been a part of my daughter's life....not an active one anyways. I live 5 minutes from her and the last time she came to my house to visit, my daughter was a week old. She turns 11 months old on Wednesday!

I recently TRIED to extend an olive branch to her saying that I would make more of an effort if she would as well. She said she would but so far, I took the leap of faith and went to visit her yesterday. It went horribly. Besides the fact that my daughter was in a horrible mood and was fussy, crying, and throwing baby tantrums the whole time we were there... my mother just spouted out insult after insult.....

1st.....when my daughter got fussy and I tried to sit her down on the floor...my mom looked right at her and said "You are a spoiled brat!" THEN...she said a bit later... "I hope she doesn't get her Daddy's IQ!" She fussed at me for encouraging my daughter to walk. I was trying to show my mom how great it was that my daughter can crawl now and walk holding one hand...and all my mom could do was say "You will regret her walking so you should cut that out!" She fussed at me for continuing to breastfeed her now that she has teeth...and I told her that I HAVE to do that until she is at LEAST a year old....and she won't drink formula...and all she could do was say "Well, I don't know why not...you and your sister didn't have a problem with formula!" (she is just mad because she couldn't do it!)She could have told me how proud she was of me for breastfeeding despite all of the obstacles and challenges I have faced with it and how daunting it has been for me to pump 5 times a day minimum for almost a year now!!!! BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Instead of telling me that I look great (cause I have lost all my baby weight....) she tells me I look sickly and accused me of starving myself and not losing weight the right way.... um.....I am a competitive runner you ASSHOLE!!!!!

She then argued with me about my color run getting mad that I had "ruined that wedding dress and how I could have passed it down to my daughter!" I told her that I would not pass down a jinxed dress to my daughter and she kept saying "It was not jinxed!" UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I told her that I had a good time and it is what it is! She kept saying I could have sold it and I told her that I TRIED FOR 3 YEARS TO SELL THE DAMN THING!!!

OH...and the icing on the cake of the whole visit was when she asked me how it felt to almost be 33 (my birthday is Wednesday) and I told her that I would be 34...

SO...needless to say.... even though my mom is SUPPOSED to come visit me next time...(which I know she won't) I hope now that she does NOT! I truly wouldn't be bothered at all if I never saw her again.... is that sad or what????

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:11 AM, July 1st (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let her get on with her life. If she decides to take an active part in your lives in the future that's up to her but on your terms.

Don't let her put you down and stand up for yourself when she tries to undermine of insult you.

You don't have to put up with it even though she's your mother.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks... it was very hard staying there the whole 45 minutes or so that I did.....painful the entire time! She didn't even try to hold piper as soon as she saw her!!! (like you would expect a grandmother who NEVER sees her grandchild to do!)She waited like 20 minutes before she even attempted to hold her! She hasn't held my daughter in months...


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some people are toxic to us and don't deserve to be in our lives.

I think you're reaching out to her to give her an opportunity to be different - you're seeing that nothing has changed.

My mum and I aren't close - she was a horrible mother and is still a terribly broken woman.

But she is a doting and delighted grandmother - that is the only reason I have allowed her the privilege of being in mine and my girls lives.

I do worry that she might try to fuck them up like she tried to fuck me up. So far I have seen nothing but unadulterated adoration. She doesn't try to control or belittle them. She usually doesn't do it to me either .

Have a long hard think about what you want in yours and Piper's life. She is showing you what kind of a relationship she is going to have with your daughter. Is that one you want?

XMIL was horrible to my girls. I can't count the number of times I saw her try to stamp out DD1s joy. "Little show off", "aren't you spoiled". She is neither of these things - she's the sweetest, gentlest, most awesome little girl on the planet.

Her daughter, XSIL is the complete opposite. Loving, attentive, encouraging - just beautiful.

XMIL also cajoled me about breastfeeding, they slept 'too much', their routines were too rigid. This from someone who saw them a few times a year.

Piss.Off.

Some people are simply incapable of joy. These are not the kind of people I want around my beautiful, joyful little girls. Let alone around me.

FWIW, I breastfed both of my girls for 2 years and just over 18m respectively (a DDay driven end to breastfeeding). I was on mat leave for a year with each of them. Props to you hun for managing it whilst doing all of this on your own. That is freaking amah-zing.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5444 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She could have told me how proud she was of me for breastfeeding despite all of the obstacles and challenges I have faced with it and how daunting it has been for me to pump 5 times a day minimum for almost a year now!!!!

Then I will. You are AWESOME! Nursing for a year while working/pumping is just about the hardest thing ever. You are giving your daughter the best start you can with a huge time/physical sacrifice. I BF'd both my kids for almost 2 yrs each, but I wasn't working and probably only pumped a handful of times and HATED every minute of it. I would never have lasted a year. You are the WOMAN!!!


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1231 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, have you ever read any of the Toxic Parents books?

The books were very helpful in learning to set boundaries with my mother. We have a far more productive relationship now than we did even five years ago. Not perfect, but I don't dread hearing from her anymore.

You can't control who she is but you can control your own boundaries as to what you will let in and what you won't, and how you choose to react to her. ((Hugs)) I know it's tough - stand strong.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4378 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly,

15+ years ago I could have written your post. My mom moved 1200 miles to be closer to me and my kids. Yet she never visited us. She is not close to my kids.

When my twins were born she came to visit (then she was 1200 miles away). I breastfed the babies. She wanted XH and I to have a date night... ok.. we had some milk in the fridge. I fed them and we left. She tried to feed one of the girls a bottle of formula that the hospital send home with us. The kid threw up all over her, the couch, the kid. She spent the entire time cleaning up a mess instead of playing with her granddaughters. She went with me to the pediatrician, complained to the doc that since my breasts were not large, that I could not be supporting both babies with breastmilk. Doc weighed the babies, did his exam. And basically told me the babies are gaining weight, looking good etc. and my mom started in again... he basically told her.. mom is fine, babies are fine, the only one not happy with these breastfed babies is YOU. I see no reason to change anything mom is doing, except reduce the unwanted stress well meaning grandmothers bring. I could have kissed him.

But she gets home and tells everyone what a wonderful mother I am and how breastfeeding is such a good thing for the babies... etc.... But say anything to me... no way.

I get it... I really do. Now that I have DGD living with me she is here all the time. I do not get along with nor like this woman!!! uggh.

Shelly it really could be worse... I have seen my mother more in the last year, than I have in the 14 previous years combined. ...

Hugs, and don't feel bad... she brought this on herself..as did my mother. They taught us how to treat them by the way they treated us.

More hugs, and congratulations for making it this far breastfeeding your lovely DD. You have done very well to make it this far... it took a huge commitment to keep it up with working. You deserve a pat on the back for that alone. Let alone doing it all as a single mom. Wow.. you are supermom.

More Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4856 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Giving birth is not what makes a mother- something my own mother has yet to learn too.

It sounds like a number of us have horrific relationships with our egg donors, myself included.

Take solace in the fact that you KNOW you're doing what's best for your daughter. When you take into consideration that the "advice" you're getting is from someone who has shown herself to be very self-centered, anything that comes out of her mouth should be taken with more than a grain of sand.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6092 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then I will. You are AWESOME! Nursing for a year while working/pumping is just about the hardest thing ever. You are giving your daughter the best start you can with a huge time/physical sacrifice. I BF'd both my kids for almost 2 yrs each, but I wasn't working and probably only pumped a handful of times and HATED every minute of it. I would never have lasted a year. You are the WOMAN!!!

This made me cry....thank you ...THANK YOU...so much! I have had every obstacle known to man....fought my supply tooth and nail... pumped 5 times a day now and in the beginning would pump sometimes 7 times a day... (including every morning at 1am and 3am) just to keep my supply up... I dealt with milk blisters...3 months of repeated thrush...biting.....I took several supplements including Fenugreek, red raspberry, blessed thistle, and brewer's yeast! I choked down mother's milk herbal tea (actually swallowing herbs by accident once) gagging on how awful it was!!! I've eaten oatmeal twice a day for a year just because they "say" it helps with your milk supply! I work my every waking moment around my pumping schedule and pump before I go to sleep at night and when I wake up Every. Single. Day.

It has been SO much work! But, I know its worth it for my daughter. I am one of those women that every EVERY ounce of breastmilk is work to get. I do not have an over abundance of it.... but I'm still doing it.

Thank you for that. Thank you SO much.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he basically told her.. mom is fine, babies are fine, the only one not happy with these breastfed babies is YOU. I see no reason to change anything mom is doing, except reduce the unwanted stress well meaning grandmothers bring. I could have kissed him.

WOW...I wanna kiss your doctor! Do you live in Virginia! I might switch!!!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
seekingright2013
♀ Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((She11ybeanz))

I just wanted to join in the chorus on how amazing it is that you have been able to breastfeed for 11+ months through pumping.

Like another poster, I BF my two kids for around 2 years each BUT that was only because I was a SAHM back then. You are AMAZING if you've been able to BF through pumping. What a great start you are giving Piper.

Also, second that emotion on the "Toxic Parents" book (author Susan Forward). I found that to be a very helpful book.

((hugs))


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
I tramp a perpetual journey.
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
Topic Posts: 11

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