I just want you to know you are heard and we here on SI will support you.
However… next post… Use lower case. Forum etiquette dictates that uppercase is screaming and it’s harder to read.
But then… I guess you really feel like screaming… And I can understand that.
There is a rule of thumb here on SI that you should never do anything major in the first months.
Well – I don’t agree with that. I think you really need to take action – to take steps to ensure this goes as well as possible. However I strongly suggest you don’t do anything rash or irrevocable in the first months. In fact – NEVER do anything rash. IMHO it’s more of a question of not burning any bridges or causing damage that can’t be recovered from. But you do need to take action.
Before we go into any suggestions on how to go on then take care of you.
Make sure you eat. Right now you probably don’t feel like it but it’s so important you get energy into your body. Get protein shakes and sports supplements. Make sure you eat a fruit every 3 hours. Drink milk-shakes… Whatever. The key issue here in energy not health.
Exercise. Run, jog, walk, lift weights… Whatever makes you sweat.
Get medical help. If you have a hard time sleeping or feel depressed then be ready to get mild medical aids.
Find someone to confide in.
Share on SI.
Don’t expect any quick fixes. Chances are extremely slim that the affair is over.
Remember – In all this you have several advantages over your wife and the infidelity. One of them being the resources we can offer here on SI.
Its going to hurt for a long time. At least thats how it looks to me. Your wife sounds like she is minimizing things and isn't thinking about what she has really done. I'm sorry. I hope she comes to her senses soon.
Get book to read....the best I have read is "Not Just Friends"....It helped me to understand what I was dealing with and how to survive. Those things are important to each of us....we will survive though we don't think we will.
Some start a journal, I could not as it all hurt too much, but I did find a place to mourn openly when I needed a place. AND find someone to talk with... think carefully about sharing it with friends and family because they do judge and things you feel or say now will be remembered. We were very careful but our adult kids happen to be with me when I found out and read the texts/emails....it has been really hard on them.
As it has been said, take care of yourself first and then your children. You are the priority. And don't make rash decisions....I would make a decision to decide something by a later date...that was the best I would do as I would have walked away so many times early on. For me it help me to know I had made a decision not to decide....sounds stupid but it worked for me.
Lots of hugs and concern!!
Rolling eyes "are we going to talk about this every day?
Yes, you will talk about it whenever you want to Benny!
Read and reread the 180.
Enact as much of the 180 as you can. You don't have to be perfect and remember, all this is in your time frame.
But, I would seek legal counsel ASAP. This does not mean you will divorce, but you need to know all your rights.
SHe is still deep in denial and rugsweeping.
You need to expect her to reach out and break no contact. Unfortunately, it happens too often. Keeping her phone bugged for now is not a bad idea. Do not tell her your information source...she will go farther underground.
You do need to determine and share with her what your deal-breaker level is. Is it breaking NC? If so what is the consequence and be ready to follow through. That is the hard part. It took me 4 months to decide what my deal breaker level was and what my consequence was. Once I hit that point, he did a about face and broke it off with OW.
She needs to be forced out of her fantasy. Demand transparency, active participation or kick her out. That is also easier said than done, but that could be the shock she needs. Until you stand up for yourself, she will not. Once again, that is experience talking.
Hugs to you. There is a lot of support here.
[This message edited by hailstormer at 12:10 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]
She needs to be an openbook with you if she wants you to let her stay. She has to give you full access to her phone whenever you want (IN FRONT OF HER), her email accounts, her facebook, google +, skype, etc.
She needs to understand that she will have to talk about the A every day and answer all your questions (some of them a gazillion times) until you are satisfied.
A good step to take would be to go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are and what you could expect if you eventually chose to separate or D. You don't have to file anything, but knowing what to expect will make you less fearful.
Read in the Healing Library. You will find it in the yellow box in the top left corner of this page.
You have some good resources here, use them to protect yourself and your children.
That is all you can do. You cannot change her behavior, only she can do that.
She doesn't think you will hold her accountable. While dealing with this, you will need to set your boundries. It is hard, but you can do it. You may have already lost her, you may not have. Setting the limit of your tolerance will let you know. Will you tolerate her behavior? If you will....she will continue. Why not...she can have her cake and eat it. If you will not tolerate it, she has to make decisions. You and your family or AP. She may make the decision of AP, but you know where you stand. Like many on here...she may realize what she is losing and drop him like a hot potato. Until you stand up for yourself, she will continue. I learned that the hard way. I didn't want to "push" my WS away either. I was so hurt...but finally, I had enough. When I drew the line in the sand he couldn't jump to my side quick enough.
You can do this. You just have to be ready for the consequence if she makes a bad decision.
A friend of mine suggested this to me soon after my D day..
I attempted this and I instantly knew where my WH's head was stuck..During the conversation in which I proposed this, My WH told me that I was a crazy greedy witch. I came to the conclusion that my WH wasn't remorseful, and that I was going to throw in the towel at trying to save the M..
I knew that I wasn't able to physically leave at the time, but I decided to focus on me and my needs... I carried on with my own life and hobbies without seeking or considering WH's input /opinion/approval on anything..
Before this conversation took place I had done some things to protect myself..I routed all of my paycheck direct deposits to my own bank account..I emptied 1/2 of our meager savings out of our joint checking account..All credit cards are in his name, none are joint, all bills are in his name except for my cell..
What I am going to suggest to you is to see a lawyer, learn your rights and while you are at it find out what it takes to draft a Post Nup Agreement and make it legal and enforceable..
Draft an agreement that says that you get awarded everything in D should she be caught cheating again during attempted R..If this is brought up that she has to agree to sign it as a non negotiable condition of R, she may or may not cooperate....
Her lack of cooperation will tell you that she is not willing to DO WHAT IT TAKES to gain your trust that she is 100 committed to M for life. Her A may still ultimately be a deal breaker for you, but you will have an idea whether or not your W is serious about R.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:37 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]
I'm sorry you are going through this. I know just how you feel. I have been through the same.
There is something you must know with certainty that will go a long way in helping you proceed with this situation. It will help quell the emotional earthquake that is going on within you. Know this:
Your wife's affair/infidelity has NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.
Her decision to lie, deceive, break the vows she made to you, and devastate the lives of her very children have nothing to do with you or your marriage. Infidelity is a PERSONAL problem, not a marital problem. This was a problem that existed within her long before you married. No person can "push" another into being unfaithful.
Right now I'm sure you are feeling an unbearable pain. That is normal and natural. You have been betrayed by the very one whom you invested your greatest trust in.
Do not accept any blame for this. Period.
Do not beg, plead, or bargain with her.
Now, allow yourself to become angry. You have a right to be. Be angry. But, be angry in a controlled and calculated manner and use the anger to your advantage.
Assume a cold, hard, and steely resolve toward this. Become determined that her behavior is simply and absolutely unacceptable to you or your children. Do not waiver in this resolve - not one bit. Ever.
Try to imagine yourself in the place she is mentally at right now. Deep down, she knows she has done something to you that she would NEVER want you or anyone else to do to her - ever. Deep down there is shame, guilt, insecurity, and very low self-worth. She is covering all that up with defensiveness, denial, and delusion. It is one incredible picture of ugliness that she knows she is deep into and she does not want to deal with that ugly, ugly mess.
The best way, in my experience, to get through all the denial, defensiveness, and delusion is to make the consequence for the behavior something that she cannot deny, cannot delude away, and must answer to. She is in perpetual-honeymoon fantasy-land right now and needs cold, hard reality. The best way to do that is to consult with an attorney to know your rights and then FILE for divorce and have her served with divorce papers.
Now, that does not mean you are now getting divorced. You can have it suspended or dismissed at any time. The point is for her to SEE and FEEL the real consequence of her actions and collapse her bullshit fantasy. That is at its most likely when she is holding the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage papers, with a case number, and signed by the presiding judge, in her very hands. THEN, she will not be able blame, deny, defend, or delude THAT away. That is when she is most likely to authentically come around, with actual remorse, and want to do the work to fix HERSELF, and repair the damage to her family and her marriage.
My XWW was as far gone into the bullshit fantasy as it gets. I completely detached, offered her a chance at reconciliation, and she was still in affair wonderland. It was when she found out I had filed for, and proceeded with divorce that I got the tearful requests to reconcile. I divorced her anyway and she STILL wants to reconcile. That's the power of undeniable consequences for shameful and destructive behavior. She destroyed her family. Now she must live with that.