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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Devastated and Shocked!!!!
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am afraid if it doesn't work out between the two of us, if she will take half of my assets and cash. It stinks if that is the case after she is the one who broke the rules. Any advice on how to handle this situation?

If you live in a no-fault state, this may very well be true. What you have to ask what are you going to do about it?

Let's assume for the moment that what you stated is true. Your WW can sleep with 100 different men, drain your joint bank account, and then be the first to file for divorce. All with zero remorse.

So be proactive.

Talk to an attorney, like yesterday. Learn what your rights are. Get an idea of what life might be like divorced---because as much as you do not want this, it is a real possibility.

Believe me, I understand. I was virtually paralyzed by my WW's actions---and it took me a long time to do what was in my best interests. I was as scared as scared could be, but I can assure you that the lack of any actions I took were worse than doing what was needed to be done. The same driving fear that you have right now---losing your wife, marriage, full access to your children, and way of life as you know it---have plagued all of us here, but it doesn't change the fact that much of it is beyond your control.

But, believe it or not, so much is in your control right now, if you can face your fear head-on. And the simplest explanation that I can give you at this point is to not accept her behavior or actions(or lack thereof).

Don't compromise who you are. Don't accept one bit of blameshifting behavior. Do not allow her to make demands when it comes to dealing with her affair.

You can't control her. She has her own decisions to make---good or bad. But you do not have to tolerate them. And until you are willing to show inflexibility for her poor behavior, she will continue to be an unsafe person.

Find your inner anger. Channel it. You can do this.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 8:48 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]

2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Benny,

So sorry that you are here. Yes, devastated and shocked, that is exactly how I felt. I was blindsided when I found out that my husband was having an affair and that it had gone on for 4 months. I had no idea.

Breath, just try to breath when the pain hits you. Try to get some food in you, I know it is hard. We talk about the infidelity diet here, so many of us have lost weight. Sleep may be an issue as well.

The emotional roller coaster ride is hard. Get support of friend and family, post here often, read the healing library.

I did consult with an attorney right away. I filed for divorce since my husband showed no remorse or guilt. He is still with the other woman. It breaks my heart, but I know, that I do not and will not be married to a man that has lied and cheated. He has done it before, found that out when I called his folks to tell him that he cheated on me. Turns out he cheated twice on his 2nd wife. I have no bloody desire to go through this hell ever again!!.

Do what you can to take care of yourself. Exercise has helped me, talking with friends and family, sobbing, screaming, venting here.

You will be okay.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 479 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
♂ New Member
Member # 39724
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went to our first therapy together with a therapist. She asked us in what state do I consider our marriage to be between 0 being divorced and 10 happy as can be. I answered with a 3 not very happy and she was asked the same question and she answered with a 2. She told the therapist how bad our marriage had been for the last 2 years, and its true it wasn't all that great, but I never thought it was to do the point of this. I felt like she was trying to say that our bad marriage made her do this. I feel like she could of asked for divorce back then when she wasn't happy and not engage in an affair. The therapist wants to work with her alone for 2 sessions and then bring me in with her after. She noticed her holding back and not convinced, so she wants to see where she is at. I am so confused, that I don't know if i'm scared to be alone, scared to be without her, scared financially as to what will happen, is it merely that i'm used to be with her for 19 years. I'm really confused as to what I want and it scares me. Perhaps I want to work it out, but only if I see her trying her butt to change her ways and feel remorse.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hey Bro...welcome to SI...

Have you read the "healing library"? Its in the yellow box on the left side of this screen....please do..yes...the whole damn thing...

The other man (OM) you know who he is???? He married?? Your wife is NOT a good source of this information.....cheaters lie.

Keep us posted, man....


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08

Posts: 5827 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 24
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