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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I took a major step at IC today. Not sure how I feel about it.
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I've been going to this IC for a little bit now. Today was my 3rd visit. I think she is very good and I connect well with her.

As most of you know I've been struggling with self-harm since D-day. I've been trying to stop but I have not had the greatest success. I can control it to some extent but eventually give in. I've been able to stop for a month or two at most but I think about it every day still.

So I told the IC today about it. It was really hard to say. I don't feel all that great now that it's out there. I hate that the IC knows but I know it is important for her to have all the info even if I'm not ready to stop or do the required work. She needs to know what she is dealing with and what all the issues are.

Honestly, I feel like I wish I hadn't said anything. Like I wish I had kept it to myself. The irony is, that I feel like cutting now. I'm not going to. I have a lot of work to do before the end of the day today.

The IC asked me on a scale of 1-10, 1 being no way and 10 being all in, how much did I want to stop. I said 6. I'm still pretty wishy washy on the whole idea. I really don't want to give it up but I also know that I have to if I want to stay with my SO. And yes SO knows about my self harm.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3068 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I told the IC today about it. It was really hard to say. I don't feel all that great now that it's out there. I hate that the IC knows but I know it is important for her to have all the info even if I'm not ready to stop or do the required work. She needs to know what she is dealing with and what all the issues are.

I'm so so so proud of you! Let me tell you, it's OK that you don't feel great about it right now. Exposure seems to be one of your most deeply rooted fears, so it makes sense that instead of relief about the revelation you feel nervous. Here's what I think it HUGE - you TOLD her.

It may not seem like that big of a deal, but I think that all your small steps are really going to pay off.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't worried about the continuing self-harm, but you're TRYING, dammit, and that's a testament to how strong you are.

AND you're coming here to tell us about it.

Myname, you're not supposed to be perfect. This IS hard, but you are doing it. It's not supposed to be amazingly easy, but even teeny steps in the right direction are steps in the right direction.

I think she is very good and I connect well with her.

Keep that in your mix of thoughts, and remember that none of us are perfect. You are making progress. You can do this.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 4:55 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17846 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


This is a good step.

It makes sense you would feel conflicted about it - the SH (is there an acronym for self-harm?) seems connected to issues of stress/emotion/control and "giving up" info about this would naturally trigger those same feelings.

Maybe try to look at it in another way. I really had/have problems giving up my anger about WH's A. But I don't want to have so much anger, because I realize it is not ultimately healthy for me and will get in the way of all my relationships. Sometimes I just have to tell me I am not giving up my anger, or my right to it - it will be right there, waiting. I am just taking a break today. And then I will choose to take a break again tomorrow. (I'm sure it is what alcoholics and other folks with their "go-to" mechanisms for dealing with stuff tell themselves, too ) But it does help me give it up if I feel I am choosing not to right now, as opposed to feel like something is being taken from me.

I really hope your IC can find some good approaches to this. In the end, it will be your decision. You make the choice, you are in control - and today you made the choice to share it. I'm sure next time you meet and hear her approach it will also be anxiety provoking, but just tell yourself you are just going to hear her out. You are only committing to hearing some approaches to this, and thinking about it.

I don't really have experience with this, so I hope what I am saying is helpful and not completely clueless.

Have a great time with your SO this week!!!

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 5:29 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job! Healthy doesn't always feel natural and often isn't easy, especially after years of unhealthy. Keep at it. It's worth it, for yourself as well as SO.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Myname. I am so very proud of you.

This is a huge step for you, and I cannot imagine how hard it was for you.

But DAMN !!!! This is great. You have done a great/wonderful thing to help yourself in recovery.

Remember go at your pace, you set the pace. Your doing awesome.

I would find it strange if you did not feel this way after sharing this with her. For so long it was just you and the cutting, no one and nothing else.

Then we(si) came along ...

And now look where you have gotten yourself. Truly inspiring.

FYI ... I know your gonna have set backs, I will not judge you for them ect. they are to be expected to continue to learn and grow.

I'm just so happy for you ...


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18812 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omg sweetie, I am so freakin' proud of you! You have come such a long way, and you have shown more strength and determination than you realize.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12166 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a huge, terrific step. I'm so proud of you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:46 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


Posts: 35904 | Registered: Mar 2011
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Myname))

Big hug. Ya done good.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys.

I know it was the right thing to do but I regret it now.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3068 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Myname)))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25746 | Registered: Aug 2011
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myname, that was courageous.

The cutting seems like an intensely personal, and even important, thing to you. You want to stop for your SO. Do you also want to stop for yourself?

There's no judgment, only concern. Please don't feel shame in discussing this with your therapist. I'm rooting for you. We all are.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 11:20 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great huge step forward, Myname!

It's OK that you are conflicted. It's OK that you regret telling her. I get it. You can't unring the bell.

But remember, she works for you. You hired her for her counseling. You know your self harm is a huge issue for you, and maybe you are not anywhere near ready to do anything to work on that, but you put it out there. When you are ready, she will help you help yourself.

And you never have to summon the nerve to give her this info for the first time again. It's done. You did it!

I believe your regret will fade soon. You will adjust to having this secret with her, instead of holding it in.

(((((Myname)))))


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1221 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When secrets and shame are shared you can no longer be controlled by them. Get it out and don't regret reaching out. It is time.

Posts: 2175 | Registered: Mar 2011
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so, so proud of you


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
gogirl
♀ Member
Member # 26870
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Myname,

So good to see you posting again!

You have done so much for yourself and I am so happy for you. Keep up the good work! I am sorry you are feeling regret over telling your IC about your cutting because I am sure it was the right thing to do.

Healing takes time and work as you know, so continue to be patient with yourself.

I hope you have a great 4th of July with your SO. You are awesome!!


It's never too late to live happily ever after.


Posts: 572 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: North
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it was the right thing to do but I regret it now.

In this case that feeling of regret doesn't mean that you did the wrong thing. Like Ama put it so beautifully:

Healthy doesn't always feel natural and often isn't easy, especially after years of unhealthy.

So you can accept that you feel uncomfortable about this. It's ok. I know that I definitely get that feeling when I need to push past some behavior of mine that's been causing more harm than good, but there IS relief in sight if you can just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

A little discomfort now for a lifetime of building security in your mind and heart. It's totally worth it.



Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17846 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The cutting seems like an intensely personal, and even important, thing to you. You want to stop for your SO. Do you also want to stop for yourself?

Part of me wants to stop the other part of me could care less. Mostly though, I don't want to stop for me. The only part of me that wants to stop is for SO. I really don't think I'm worth stopping. I don't say that to get a bunch of people to say "Oh Myname, you are worth it." I'm just trying to figure out why I am the way I am. I still have a very deep and intense hatred towards myself.

I burned myself last night. I really wanted to cut but I didn't have time and I have a long two days of work ahead of me and couldn't risk major damage with no recovery time. I'm freaking out knowing SO will be here for a few days and I will not be able to cut or hurt myself while she is here. I hate the thought that it will not be an option for a few days. I really want to cut before she comes to "hold me over". I've been keeping myself really busy which helps but I just can't stop thinking about it.

I'm feeling very anxious about July 4th in general too. Since D-day I have always just taken a bunch of sleeping pills and slept for days. This will be the first one I will be "awake" for. I feel the depression coming on and I really would just rather sleep through the next couple of days and not face it.

I'm really angry at myself for telling IC. It was my secret and I should have kept my mouth shut. I hate having that out there.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3068 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
confused girl
♀ Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you burned yourself. ((((hugs))))

Do you have specific plans for the 4th? Having something specific always helps me rather than, "we are just going to hang out and be together." Plans help relieve m anxiety.

And yes, I am so glad to see you back on the boards. You offer a lot and I find when I am reading threads and your name shows up in the responses that I am relieved. You have such good suggestions, advice and compassion.


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2006
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Myname)))

I really would just rather sleep through the next couple of days and not face it.

I hear you. There were numerous occassions that I felt that way, too. You have made great strides in the past year or so. Take pride in those steps.

Maybe look at the holiday as something you and SO can face together and make new traditions. Watch some fireworks on tv, make red & blue jello with whipped cream on top, talk through the triggers till they subside a bit.

Just deep breathe. Lean on your IC, SO, and us. You can do this. We've got your back.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:45 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 35904 | Registered: Mar 2011
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myname, if your IC starts prodding into areas you're not comfortable with, tell her that those questions are too personal and you don't want to talk about it. Don't worry about being judged by your IC. She is your servant, not your friend. If the things she says end up being judgmental or not helpful, find a different IC. She won't discuss what you've told her with anyone unless you give explicit permission. That would be a serious breach of professional conduct. Your privacy is safe.

I can be my own worst critic as well. Start really focusing on my shortcomings and get caught up in repetitive, critical thoughts. What's helped me is to just accept that hey, some of what that judgmental voice tells me might be true, or at least have some truth behind it. But so what? All I can do is do what I can to change. Dwelling on it in a funk isn't going to do me or anyone else any good. Also, the relative importance of these negative evaluations gets way over-inflated when I let them bounce around in my head.

If that doesn't help, toss it. That approach has worked fairly well for me. Sometimes I think it's true, that thinking too much can be a bad thing, if the thinking is repetitive and offers nothing illuminating.

Also, are you on meds or have you considered meds? Sometimes it is as simple as a chemical imbalance.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
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