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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I took a major step at IC today. Not sure how I feel about it.
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really angry at myself for telling IC. It was my secret and I should have kept my mouth shut. I hate having that out there.

I don't think you'd be telling us this if you didn't need help sorting it out.

It's ok that you told her, and it's ok that you don't like how this feels.

I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record. I just want you to hear over and over that you are going to be ok. You're at IC because you need help, like so many of us, and she can't help you without knowing important things about your heart and mind.

It's ok. (((Myname)))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14630 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC did not force me to fess up about the cutting. She pushed a little (which I need to be pushed a little) but I could tell she was going to let me off the hook and move on but I came out with it anyway. She was really good about it. Not judgmental in anyway.

Cutting has been MY secret for so long that it just doesn't feel right having anyone knowing about it.

I guess it's that the cutting/self-harm is so important to me. I don't want it taken away from me but I know I need to stop it. I honestly feel terrible putting SO through this. She usually has a pretty good idea when I'm doing it b/c she can't get a hold of me until the morning. I'm sure it's really scary for her especially being so far away. It's not fair to her.

SO and I are going to my parents house for the 4th. Going to my parents house is always stressful but I know that b/c SO will be with me that they will not be picking out all my faults in front of her.

Thanks everybody for still being there for me even though I haven't been on for a while. I know I still need the support.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 36
12-08-10: S

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myname, you rock! I think you are so strong for opening up to your IC like this.

I know you regret telling her now but I'll be willing to bet money that you'll be glad you told her a week, a month, a year from now.

I'm not sure about going to your parents' place for the 4th, though... if you're already struggling, maybe going there wouldn't be the best thing for you? I know it's hard there. Could you and SO maybe do something on your own?

[This message edited by wildbananas at 10:27 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15279 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Just a Cali girl
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO is coming from far away and it is her first time to my neck of the woods so my parents want to meet her. She won't be coming this way too often so it is probably best that they meet now rather than another time. Like I said, my parents will be on their best behavior while she is around.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 36
12-08-10: S

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myname, I know you feel uncomfortable but unless you are upfront with your IC she will not be able to help you as well. Now, what can you do to replace that behavior as a coping skill? Just white-knuckling, going cold turkey is not going to do it -- you need to replace the familiar behavior of cutting with something different. Its like giving up alcohol, cigarettes, or any other "bad habit". Make a list of constructive things you can do to get that feeling of control or release or endorphin rush. I know you did well with the exercise -- when you feel the urge to cut can you drop and do 20 situps? Exercise has similar endorphins to the cutting helps alleviate depression. How about self-massage techniques? Calling your SO? Untangling a pile of yarn or wires or something -- something mindless yet absorbing that keeps your hands busy -- a jigsaw puzzle maybe.

Alternatively, for every day (hour if you need to!) put $x in a jar when you don't succumb to the urge. When you do cut, put twice that amount in. Every week/month, you spend the "I did it" jar on something fun and the contents of the "I didn't do it" jar goes to an organization that you cannot stand as punishment.

Treat it like you would treat any other maladaptive coping mechanism (says the person who just ate half a family size bag of chips ) and reward yourself when you do what you want to do instead, and punish yourself when you don't.

I see so much persistence and resilience in you, myname, and you have taken big steps. It will feel disorienting and unfamiliar and scary for awhile, but we are here with you and so is your SO. You are doing great!


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myname,,, would you believe that what happened in your counseling session is EXTREMELY NORMAL?

I have seen this discussed in numerous articles. A person goes into counseling, then shares something very personal. It is WAY out of the person's comfort zone and they immediately regret telling the personal information. Sometimes they are afraid/embarassed, think the counselor is going to look badly on them, etc and most people consider stopping counseling, but this is the time the person needs extra support.

I had to go to a mental health facility after what my XWH did to me. One day in group the counselor said this,

"whatever coping mechanism you have used in the past served it's purpose". It was what you needed at the time to get thru life. BUT, now it's a day where you don't need that coping mechanism, anymore. We are going to find a new way to think,,,which your thoughts come before your actions."

Also, in group if someone said, 'I always do ____or____, the group would say, "UNTIL NOW!". (fill in the blank with smoking, drinking, cutting, sleeping around, etc)...

And yes, cutting is going to be difficult to stop. Just like every addiction. One girl in my group said she could not even go thru a fast food restaurant and order a drink because she used to use their straws do snort cocaine. It was a HUGE, overwhelming, trigger. I believe like the other poster, it is going to take replacing the action with a different thought and action.

I have health insurance, and I was able to go to this treatment center bcause they filed my insurance and let me pay out the rest at 20.00 a month. It was everyday 9-3 for 5 days, and filled with normal people who have been traumatized and want to live.

Keep posting, please, we are all here 4 u.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 1:14 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1703 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myname, I just read your profile. I can understand how the cutting started after the A. I, too, felt like that was the only way to get the pain out of my body. I went to the treatment center right before I did that because I knew I was getting into deep trouble with my actions/thoughts. But I realized , Hell ANYONE with 1/2 a brain would be severely traumatized by all this, I'm not a superwoman, I am just a regular person-- anyone would be traumatized by all this. I knew I needed help fast. At the treatment center in 2 weeks I got the most in depth help offered.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 1:21 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1703 | Registered: Jan 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are making great progress, Myname - even when it feels difficult or scary. Especially then.

Enjoy your time with SO.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22588 | Registered: Aug 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did it go yesterday, Myname?


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22588 | Registered: Aug 2011
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did it go yesterday, Myname?

+1


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13190 | Registered: Jul 2011
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading a book about drug addiction. In essence the book is about all addictions. Your cutting could be seen as an addiction. It gives you a release. It helps you cope with the pain you feel. You are addicted to it. You crave it.
The brain adapts to this craving and it changes. That is why the drug addict requires more and more drugs to get the same high.
It's no different than a shopping addiction, sex addiction or food addiction.
Your brain can change and adapt to the absense of the addictive behaviour or substance.

It's going to be ok.
It's been good to see you post again.
I hope your 4th went well.
Hugs MyName.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(9)
WS: Him 49 (X...together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, he moved out Sept. 11, 2011...
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder
I'm finding that I am growing more and more fond of his absence.

Posts: 1224 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did it go yesterday, Myname?

Things went okay on July 4th. I think my mom may have been drinking (based on how she was acting) but hid it for the first half of the day.

My parents really tried to make things nice. They served fillet mignion. Bought a game to play outside, and got some fireworks. They definitely made an effort so that was good. My mom still made a few jerky to me though and some bizzar comments in general and had an anger outburst at one point but that is just how she is when she drinks. Overall it went fine. We got through it.

SO met Burpy and Farty (my parent's dogs). SO spent most of the day sitting on the floor with Burpy. Farty is scared of everything and everyone so she is always hiding.

SO goes home tomorrow. I'm going to really miss her. It was great having her here at my place. We went out to a really nice restaurant last night. I had to dress up which is something I haven't done in years. I was a little anxious at first but got through it and we had a really nice time.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 36
12-08-10: S

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was great having her here at my place. We went out to a really nice restaurant last night. I had to dress up which is something I haven't done in years. I was a little anxious at first but got through it and we had a really nice time
Yay!!!


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22588 | Registered: Aug 2011
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13190 | Registered: Jul 2011
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7008 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage




Posts: 30622 | Registered: Mar 2011
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad you had a nice time with her!!!

Good for you, MyName.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2490 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
confused girl
♀ Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep re-reading this thread just so I can smile!

Glad your weekend went well and hope you will be able to stay busy to help with the loneliness you will feel now that your SO has gone.


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1344 | Registered: May 2006
Myname
♂ Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will be 5 and a half weeks before I see her again. We talk on the phone every night and Skype sometimes but it's not the same as seeing her in person.

This LDR thing really stinks.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 36
12-08-10: S

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boooo to LDR but I'm so glad you had such a wonderful time while you were together.

I hope the next 5.5 weeks fly by.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14630 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 41
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