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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: stbx going out of town for weekend.
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just moved out 2 weeks ago. We hadn't had sex for 6 months prior to that. We were already emotionally and physically divorced.

I just learned that stbx is going out of town for the 4th (safe to assume with his whore).

A post about the karma bus made me wonder, when will the karma bus hit whore and stbx?

My dd is mad at me. I think it's sinking in with her that her parents will live separately. She said she does not want to be with or live with me. I asked why but she wouldn't tell me. She just kept saying, "Because."
Me: "You can tell me anything."
DD: "No, I can't."

Finally, she said, "Do you yell?" That's all she said.

Now that selfish stbx has moved out, I don't have any more work than before at home. I've been doing it alone all along for 8 years. I have some peace. He seems to be coasting along like nothing has changed or is different. He is moving on with his life with whore in place.

As he moved out, STBX suggested coming over for dinner every night so that there would be little change for dd. I did it for a week and kept thinking to myself, "So he can have a bachelor pad, a whore, and still come home after work to a warm home cooked meal." I resented it and couldn't hold it in so I went off on him while dd could hear. Later, when dd wasn't around, I quoted his sexting with his whore. I said, "So I feed you dinner and you go out with your whore afterwards?!"

He replied, "Move on with your life!" I replied, "I can't if I have to see you every fucking day!"

I have an anger problem and his behavior over the past 8 years didn't ameliorate it.

I have a visit with my therapist tomorrow - my 2nd visit. I thought I was detaching but knowing that he is going away with his whore is unbearable. Now, I wonder, am I losing my only child? That will be unforgivable and I will hate him.


Posts: 182 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FOL, that's not an anger issue honey. That's you realizing you are being used. By coming to dinner, he's using the kids as an excuse to not have his life change and trying to make you feel guilty for not just going with it.

End the dinners. Tell him this is what divorce looks like. When he prattles on, your answer is this is what you wanted, you are getting it, you will see the kids at your next visitation. When he says you need to move on, tell him you are, and that he needs to accept that things are changing because of his choices.

My fav responses to my x at the point you are at?

That is no longer your concern.

This is the consequence of your actions.

You can no longer treat me like that. Goodbye.

I'm glad you have IC, it will help. But don't let him use you anymore.


BS(me) 46, kids DS 17, DD 14.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5208 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is no longer your concern.

I actually told him this tonight afer I told him that our dd will need some therapy, he said that our dd is happy as a clam when with him and doesn't understand why dd and I can't get along. He suspects that I will need the therapy. I responded that that is none of his fucking business from here on out but deleted "fucking" before sending.


Posts: 182 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As devastated said, cut him off from the dinners. If he wants to pick up your dd a night or two per week and take her to dinner, fine. But, you are no longer his wife and you do not cook for him. That is no longer his home.

As for your dd, I think she is just taking out her fear, anger, etc. about the separation on you. Remember, you are her safe person. You have never left her, he did. It's one of the hardest parts of being the BS with children. We take the brunt of the outbursts from the children because we are the stable parent that they know will never leave them.

It is so hard knowing that he's going on vacation with OW. My dipshit STBX is going to Europe for two weeks with his slutwhore. I've just had to remember that I wouldn't want to be stuck in Europe with his lying, cheating ass anyway. Dd and I set up a Paris saving ls account so that I can take her in a couple of years.

Also, my STBX's OW moved in a couple of months ago. I have already noticed some cracks in the love nest. He accidentally sent me a text once that was intended for her where he was having to check in with her about his whereabouts. She also gets really pissed whenever he and I are alone. Which is pretty much never, just drop off/pick up with the kids. She doesn't like it though. I think she's finally realized that she "won", but she won the booby prize. A pathological lying, loser.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 713 | Registered: Mar 2013
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He accidentally sent me a text once that was intended for her where he was having to check in with her about his whereabouts. She also gets really pissed whenever he and I are alone.

Do you think XH's and OW's cheating ways are making her distrust your XH? Hmmmm.... so her experience sneaking around with your XH is making her feel insecure, paranoid? ... Good!


Posts: 182 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was fine after a mini-vacation with my dd a couple weeks ago. This morning I woke up 2 hours early and finding it a little hard to breathe, like it felt prior to my vacation. It is related to the long holiday getaway with whore.


Posts: 182 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a process field. You are going to feel great, then cycle right back whens something happens. Honestly? You need to just ride it through. There isn't any quick way through it. It just takes time. You are doing great.


BS(me) 46, kids DS 17, DD 14.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5208 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey, of course this stuff still hurts. You are pretty early into the ride. Don't try to talk your way out of that.

Yes, he's an asshole who cheated, used you and did virtually nothing for you in the M. Your head knows that. But, it takes a long while for the heart to catch up. You're still grieving and these little snippets of his new life only serve to remind you of that.

I can say it gets better. I remember that ex went on some exotic vacation with the slunt before I had even filed for D. It was only a couple months after he had moved out. He had the nerve to call the kids from there. I honestly thought I would die. I was set back for a long time with that one.

Now, there are still the occasional set backs, like if I hear his family is coming for a visit or when I hear from my kids that he goes to events for her children but ignores my kids things. I still shed a tear here and there and get angry that his selfish choices put me in a position I never wanted to be in. But, these times are now fewer and farther between.

Grief is like working out. When you are out of shape, the smallest movements can make you sore and so aware of your body. As you start to build up a tolerance, your body can be more and more pushed without feeling pain. But, even Olympic athletes still get sore every once in a while so this is just part of the territory.

Keep going to IC and work through all these feelings. If you just stuff them down, they will come out somewhere and it likely won't be a healthy release.

As far as your DD's behavior, just keep loving her and reassuring her that she is safe. If she's mad about the dinners being taken away, explain that people who D don't act like they are still together. I've found that kids are different every day. My kids are usually ok, but then there are the days that they are angry or sad or confused. Again, part of the territory. You won't lose your baby. She will always be yours.

And, yes, the karma bus will hit them. You may never see it. It may never be the big crash you are hoping for, but their lives will run into that bus one day. I believe my ex gets his ankles clipped by the bus every day. I don't know that he will ever get run over, but this is almost better, sort of like getting pecked to death by a chicken.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2490 | Registered: Jan 2011
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask your counselor for a recommendation for your child. Perhaps she will see you both (her at a different time than you). I can't express how much this helped my children and our communications.

It is unbelieveable how their counselor (she is mine,too) can get them to open up.

My XH said the exact same things about my children --they are ok, etc.

The children's counselor told me the children usually do not want to push the parent away who left, so that parent sees only happyiness. We, on the other hand are real and we get all the feelings.

Also, I have come to realize that XH didn't want them in counseling because he didn't want to hear anything negative about himself bc he didn't want the fairy tale to end with OW.

I did not know all this, we had counseling with the children and us for 2 weeks. Then the counselor said for XH and I to come in for a few weeks to make sure we were handling everything right for our kids. XH did this for a while, and really looking back, this was the closest he ever came to POSSIBLY learning how to be a decent human.

He missed an appt, and we never went back. That was a mistake. I think he would be more civil to me now if we would have kept on going to see her.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1693 | Registered: Jan 2012
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grief is like working out. When you are out of shape, the smallest movements can make you sore and so aware of your body. As you start to build up a tolerance, your body can be more and more pushed without feeling pain. But, even Olympic athletes still get sore every once in a while so this is just part of the territory.

Keep going to IC and work through all these feelings. If you just stuff them down, they will come out somewhere and it likely won't be a healthy release.

As far as your DD's behavior, just keep loving her and reassuring her that she is safe. If she's mad about the dinners being taken away, explain that people who D don't act like they are still together. I've found that kids are different every day. My kids are usually ok, but then there are the days that they are angry or sad or confused. Again, part of the territory. You won't lose your baby. She will always be yours.

And, yes, the karma bus will hit them. You may never see it. It may never be the big crash you are hoping for, but their lives will run into that bus one day. I believe my ex gets his ankles clipped by the bus every day. I don't know that he will ever get run over, but this is almost better, sort of like getting pecked to death by a chicken.

Thank you Suckstobeme. All of this is good advice. I like the comparison of grief/tolerance/working out.

Thank you for the advice for my daughter. She butted heads with me again today because she wanted to spend the night at her father's house - but he's out-of-town with whore.

Thank you for the karma bus and the reference to being pecked to death. I told my IC today, I don't want him to be happy. I want him to suffer like me. If I said that I wanted him to be happy, that would be a lie and disingenuous.


Posts: 182 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, sweetie, don't you see? The karma bus has hit him already; the OW is jealous and has him checking in all the time.

Now is the time to use your anger at his getaway with the OW to your advantage--yes, get angry! Use that anger to close the bakery (and your heart as well.) Once you shut him out, the indifference will start to grow. That is your goal--indifference, not hate, is the opposite of love.

Take this from the voice of experience; btdt.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19142 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FoL, is there a way for you to establish any type of schedule for visitation? That way your DD will know that she will be with dad on <whatever day/night> and you on the others. No arguments or discussions. It's either mom's day or dad's day.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7223 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 12

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