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User Topic: lessons by reading SI
TheRealDeal
♀ Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to say thank you to all who post and speak from experience. I lurk out here since finding your site. Without it I'd be even more a mess and would be doing all the wrong things. But from reading everything I can get my hands on and reading the posts, I've come to expect the unexpected...

my WSO of 18 years left in midMay with no explanation, nada, nothing except a text saying he loved me and always would but something was missing. I was bewildered, stunned, hurt since we had just had dinner and spoke of our upcoming vacation. I found out his reason and OW 2 weeks later. since that time I've been a wreck but in IC.

Therapist is saying i need to have an explanation, something, not just silence. I reached out to WSO and he'd only respond with a text "it's too painful for me to talk right now"

Ummm, hello? Painful for HIM???

Fast forward to this past Sunday. i have house emergency that needs attention no exception. I try contacting every guy I know to help plus contractors but try reaching anyone on a sunny sunday afternoon...I had no choice but to contact WSO for help because I needed muscle for the house emergency. He actually says he'll help.

So...Monday afternoon he arrives. We see each other and he acts like I had just seen him 2 minutes ago and launches right into trying to fix the problem at my house.

I start talking to him - of course what he didn't want - and out of the blue he actually said to me "wow, you've lost weight".

Ummm, hello? Yes, you walked out of my life with no explanation. I've barely eaten anything in 1.5 months. Everyone else is asking me if I'm ill...

I talk, I tell him what I feel, what I'd like to see occur with "us" but if OW is still in picture it wouldn't work. He says they are still involved. Then starts in on how "I wouldn't do this, and I wouldn't do that" and "he wasnt sure what he wanted and our relationship wasn't what it had been" blah blah blah

I asked him if he saw him and OW as a long-term relationship and it continuing. He said he wasn't sure, he would never love her like he still loves me, that he envisioned growing old with me, but that he didn't plan to stop seeing her. But since we hadnt been getting along, he didn't know what else to do.

what?? how about talking to me instead of cheating on me

I replied that I will own part of our relationship problems (pre-A) because it wasn't just him, or just me. That I was working through my own issues in IC.

But then I add "but you know what, I will not own your CHOICE for deciding to cheat on me. You alone made that choice, I had nothing to do with it". I repeated that statement more than once throughout the conversation...my mantra

As you say after that statement....crickets.

I asked what caused him to make that decison. OMG, hang on because I can't even make this stuff up. We had had a stupid tiff that night over CORN ON THE COB. he said that is what caused it!

a stupid tiff over CORN ON THE COB is what made him decide to cheat on me? it sounded so ludicrous I almost laughed.

So in summary, from all my SI reading I learned during our conversation that:
he is in a deep fog (won't end it with OW)

he is trying to eat cake (he loves me but won't end it with OW)

blame shifting (corn on the cob caused him to cheat)

reinventing history (he made up 3 different versions of the same incident)

he fell silent when faced with indisputable facts (he made a choice to cheat)

the 180 is becoming my friend.

IC is very helpful

the future is unknown and no final decisions will be made yet

thank you everyone,it does help to read the posts and articles. its sinking in. what a horrible way to get to know one anothr but its good to know there are others who understand and can empathize knowing the incredible pain infidelity causes.

and sometimes just to share the dumb things that can be said in life...like corn on the cob made him to decide to cheat. good grief!


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 249 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you seen a lawyer TRD?

Have you secured your finances?

ETA: Have you had a full STD panel done?

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 9:08 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 860 | Registered: Jun 2012
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.. so sorry you are here dealing with this bombshell..

..corn on the cob??? HOLY CRAP...that has to be a new one here at SI..

"CORN_ON_THE_FUCKING_COB" ??????????

..that should give you an idea of how thick the fog can get for some WS's

..we've heard 'alien abduction'
..we've heard 'the devil made me do it'
..we've heard 'it was an out of body experience'!!

..but CORN,.....on the COB no less???

..i'd be telling him where he can put that Cob of corn, with or without the butter!

..(((((TheRD)))))

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 9:20 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4125 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

corn on the cob caused him to cheat

I'm sorry - but what a complete maroon. This has to be one of the most ridiculous "whys" ever on SI. Ranks right up there with the WS who cheated because his wife used too many kinds of cheese in a recipe.

You sound like you've got your head on straight, RealDeal. Sending you continued strength. And hugs. ((((TRD))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25532 | Registered: Aug 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh my...

Corn on the Cob...

It is a horrible food no doubt. It makes me eat too much butter and salt. It made your WH cheat. terrible terrible corn! Was it yellow corn or silver queen? Did you boil it or grill it? Maybe it was too many silks that made him overly anxious to see his lover?

What a delusional bunch of hogwash!!!

sorry you had to join this wonderful group of support.

(((TRD)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5842 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ranks right up there with my GF's H telling her that he left because her serving him bagged salad was proof she didn't love him.

You can't make this stuff up. you just can't.... it boggles the mind.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..

corn on the cob, and now 'bagged salad'..?????

..that's it!!!! I'm going off all vegetables..

..i'm not taking any chances.. i just hope i don't have to give up fresh fruit or chocolate!!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 9:46 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4125 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Real)) I'm sorry you're here but I'm glad you found SI. It sounds like you've already done a lot of reading on here and you're doing what you can to cope. Make sure you take care of yourself - drink water, try to eat, try to get some sleep. I'm so glad you have a therapist, and I also hope you have family or friends to talk with.

Therapist is saying i need to have an explanation, something, not just silence.

I'm betting the therapist didn't think CORN ON THE COB would be the explanation. That is the lamest, stupidest thing I have ever read on this board and that is saying something.

Unfortunately, many of us never get a reason that makes any kind of sense. I know I never did. What I finally got to was an acceptance that this had happened to me, and acceptance that it would never make sense. After a certain point, it no longer matters why - you just have to let it go and move forward. It's so early for you and I know that sounds impossible. It will take time but you will get there. I am also a BS that was completely abandoned - I get it.

As you mentioned, the 180 is your friend- focus on you. Protect yourself - see a lawyer, see a doctor for STD testing. Keep reading, keep posting.

Hugs to you ((Real))

[This message edited by kernel at 9:55 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5191 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
girlsbird
♀ Member
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! Corn on the Cob! Water come out of my nose on this one. And your right, you can't make this shit up.

Maybe he should joing Kajam's friend husband for dinner.

What an ass.


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j (thread jack) an apology of sorts for going off topic

anybody else snicker when "kernel" posted on this thread??

end t/j

TRD, thank you for posting tonight! This keeps coming back to mind in one of those "you can't make this shit up" ways.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5842 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the illogical things WS will grasp hold of. Corn on the Cobb. How could you!

Mine was that I didn't fill the dogs water bowl often enough. Therefore I had lost love and respect for my fWS!?!

You really can't make this shit up,


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2215 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anybody else snicker when "kernel" posted on this thread??

cg, I more than snickered.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12151 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
hailstormer
♀ Member
Member # 35873
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL This post is becoming hilarious!
And yes I did snicker when Kernel posted.
I wish my XWS would have blamed his loose zipper on my cooking skills but instead he & his hoe blamed me with unforgivable personal insults which almost made me go over the edge....If it wasn't for my kids and this site I am not sure I would have made it back.
This site showed me I DON'T HAVE THE ISSUES AND PROBLEMS HE DOES! The blame shifting, the Fog, & the reinventing history were almost too much for me to handle. This site and a good book called "Not Just Friends" helped me a lot.
TheRealDeal I am amazed at your strength this new into the discovery. Stay strong and do some investigating you might be surprised just how much you can figure out on your own...sometimes the little things you ignored before will come back as gigantic red flags now.
Put the puzzle together and then go in for the surprise attack cause anything you ask him now will be BS. Hmmm like corn on the cob
Kudos to SoManyYears response


me(BS)-55
him(WS)-53
together 21 years
1st D-Day 4-19-10
2nd D-Day 5-3-12
married 19 years
2 kids 13-twins
Unfortunately...divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Florida
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was told I was a "shit wife" because I didn't cook or drive.

I asked if DD OWUglyIndian cooks or drives.

Nope.

It was the very first big belly laugh I had over this whole mess.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5582 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
TheRealDeal
♀ Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really was just the dumbest excuse I've ever heard in my life and had to share. I'm glad you found the humor in it, too.

IC session is Monday afternoon so I'll be telling him about corn on the cob.... i can almost guarantee he's never heard that one before

I am definitely looking out for myself and making sure I cover all bases before making decisions.

thanks much for all the support you've given and continue to give. Couldnt be making it thru this without it.
friends/family are great but since they've never experienced it, they don't really quite know or understand the conflicting feelings and uncertainty, nor what type of advice to give. they do try but sometimes I don't want advice, just for them to listen and give a hug. and other times I want them to quit asking me all the time if I'm okay. If I was okay, I'd be back to my "normal" self...whatever that is anymore


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 249 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RealDeal - you're doing great. I hope IC goes well for you on Monday.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25532 | Registered: Aug 2011
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess you weren't minding your peas and carrots. I'd hate to think what he would have done if you served cream style.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3425 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd hate to think what he would have done if you served cream style.

I thought the same thing.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13772 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((TheRealDeal))

I worked with a woman who was having an affair with a married man. One of the reasons she cited to me as proof that the BW didn't deserve that wonderful man of hers was this - "She buys crunchy peanut butter and he likes creamy." Clearly she just didn't understand him like my coworker, his twue wuv and soulmate, did.

I told her that he was a douche and needed to buy his own damn peanut butter and get over it.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6778 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd hate to think what he would have done if you served cream style.

Please stop......ROTFLMAO


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2688 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 40
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