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User Topic: lessons by reading SI
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine said it was because I was right all the time; not that I rubbed his face in it--I actually had the right answers all the time. I'm such a beast! The OW is not the brightest bulb in the package, so I guess she makes him feel adequate, if not superior...

It just goes to prove if their lips are moving, they're lying.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20027 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, snicker away people. The REALLY funny thing about me posting on this thread? I chose my name because I was staring at the dinner on my plate trying to come up with something, and yes I was eating CORN.

eta: sorry for the t/j RealDeal

[This message edited by kernel at 9:25 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5058 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off - (((TRD)))
You seem to be off to a great start in dealing with the shitstorm your spouse has created.
Keep up the good work.

You have a great understanding of the situation. Now the ball is in your court, and when you do decide to act, I'm sure he will be dumbfounded.

The whole kernel/corn on the cob thing had me snorting in my office....


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8228 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh hon, I am so sorry,,,

But the Corn on Cob???? Come on...

However, I got this one:
You left the front door opened(screen was locked) and you were in backyard! What if someone broke in??????

The Corn on Cob is the WINNER!

You should have said: Yeah, well if I would have know that corn on cob would make you cheat, I should have shoved it up your ass so you feel my hurt!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Real -
Besides adding my I want to say thank you for pointing out what you have learned, I too have learned those things from SI and appreciate all of you SO MUCH!
I believe that because you can laugh a little you are going to make it through this! No matter the outcome, you are surviving!
I got some completely stupid comments but you really have a "prize" with that one.
Hang in there and just keep laughing, it will get you through the tough times!
Take care


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 478 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They make up stuff. Mine was that I didn't put the mail in the mail box right away and it was on the table for days.

They just think of any excuse they can. Anything that pops into their pea brain head.


Posts: 1939 | Registered: Jan 2010
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Therapist is saying i need to have an explanation, something, not just silence. I reached out to WSO and he'd only respond with a text "it's too painful for me to talk right now"

This approach doesn't help at all if an explanation is not forthcoming.

In fact, you can heal just fine, with or without an explanation. Feel your feelings, get in touch again with the loving, lovable, capable person you are.

The A is about your H, not you, and your healing simply doesn't require any understanding at all of your H's dysfunction, unless you aim to R - and he's made R impossible right now. (If he gets his head straight and realizes he wants to stay M to you, he'll talk, and you can get the explanation then - but it's unnecessary unless R becomes a possibility.)

Follow through with the 180, change your locks, take as much of the M assets as you can, and let your H find out what real pain is.

I know this is excruciating for you, but you can heal and thrive a lot easier without your H than with him, given where he is right now.

(((TRD)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
TheRealDeal
♀ Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, how interesting. Not a word from him for past 1.5 months and in past 2 days he tries to contact me couple times a day or he tries to come by.

I swear he must be delusional but I see his actions are very common when they are still foggy.

I also need to mention that 2 weeks after he left I went and bought myself a bright red Vespa scooter. Oh yes I did! I've been wanting one for years, and right here on SI it said try something new....so I did. I love it and highly recommend for any BS who had enjoyed riding a motorcycle with WS. Get yourself a scooter instead! bought my money, my name only.

Okay, so back to another SI lesson learned..

We had been planning week vacation at lake house in neighboring state in late July. Obviously that won't be happening for me. I asked him what was he planning to do.
HIM: I'm still going.
ME: Okay.
HIM: If you still want to go, you can come up. But only Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday. You'd need to leave Wednesday. I have someone else coming up for rest of week.
ME: crickets
HIM: so, will you be coming up?
ME: crickets

What I wanted to do: smack him upside the head and I am not a violent person!

SI 180 lesson: don't let them see it bothers you even though I thought I'd get sick..disengage.

A few minutes later...
HIM: My motorcycle is leaking oil, blah blah blah
ME: Oh?
HIM: I might not be able to take it to the lake house
ME: Oh?
HIM chuckling! maybe I could take your scooter to the lake house
ME: The only person who will be sitting on that scooter is me so don't think otherwise.
HIM chuckling again: Well maybe I'll just take it
ME: If I see my scooter is not in my garage I will report it stolen.
HIM: What?!
ME: you heard me
HIM: you aren't serious?
ME: try me
Needless to say the whole conversation regarding "our" trip was dropped.

SI lessons:
they realy are oblivious to their own stupidity when they are foggy.

Bitch Boots do make a difference

I might be crying tears of pain in just a shortwhile (emotional rollercoaster) but for right now, at this moment, I will enjoy how i handled it.

[This message edited by TheRealDeal at 6:22 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good gosh WS are really victims of alien brain swaps. But, really, if your WH can have an A because the corn did not fit into his perfected definition of marriage, what does his cheating allow you to do?

Corn = f*cking whore

Cheating husband = ?...

About the trip. How would OW feel if you went? Maybe stayed and decided not to leave? Cooked corn on the cob and told them to shove it?


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1455 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have someone else coming up for rest of week.

Seriously? Corn on the cob? Does he smell like a moonshine still when he comes by? This guy is in the fog of all fog.
Think you'd feel a bump if you ran over him with your scooter? That fog is so thick, bet he wouldn't even see you coming if you turned the headlight on.
Keep your head up RealDeal! You deserve better!

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 7:12 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 531 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
TheRealDeal
♀ Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you Lovedyoumore! To be honest I hadn't thought of that but now you've given me an option to consider! You're right, there is nothing either one of them can do if I'm already there and just don't leave. I don't know if I'd have the strength to go thru with it but I'm definitely not discarding the suggestion.


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take some friends with you. Have a party!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5058 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
hailstormer
♀ Member
Member # 35873
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omg therealdeal you are amazingly so strong so early on. I don't know what I would have done if my WS would have said come but leave early cause I have someone else to F*** the rest of the week after you!!! Seriously
How about you go to the lake house and take a girlfriend to talk to. I did that when my SIL came to visit I rented a hotel room on the beach and her and I went and I read all his and hoes sexting to each other and we cried and she made me laugh..
Change the locks it could be as easy as re-keying then lock the house up and go away for a few days.
It might help.... you already seem so strong.
Good Luck!


me(BS)-55
him(WS)-53
together 21 years
1st D-Day 4-19-10
2nd D-Day 5-3-12
married 19 years
2 kids 13-twins
Unfortunately...divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Florida
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, just Wow.
you know they use to recommend keeping vampires away by hanging garlic from the windows and doors.
I think you know where I am going with this.
do you think he could take a hint?

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2725 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could you, like, rent a top of the line motorcycle for a while?

I mean, wouldn't it be cool to have it sitting in the garage while he's dealing with his unusable wheels?

I know that might require you to give him too much space in your head, but it sounds like it could be worth it.... Risky, though, if your H stole it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:18 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I am enjoying this thread. Corn on the cob. Screen doors left open. Crunchy peanut butter. A dog's water dish. Jeez.

My first husband--WH#1--whom I had no desire to reconcile with--told me that my sin was putting dirty dishes on the wrong side of the kitchen after dinner. That's all he could come up with.

RealDeal, I LOVE the fact that you bought yourself a bright red Vespa! Wowza! Good for you! I almost hope your WH takes it, and you report it stolen, and he ends up spending a night or two in jail.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 389 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure you mis-heard him.
He said it was the whore on his cob, that caused all these problems...
Really.

Posts: 6537 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also need to mention that 2 weeks after he left I went and bought myself a bright red Vespa scooter. Oh yes I did! I've been wanting one for years, and right here on SI it said try something new....so I did. I love it and highly recommend for any BS who had enjoyed riding a motorcycle with WS. Get yourself a scooter instead! bought my money, my name only.

I love this! Congrats on your new scooter RealDeal. And the exchange with your WS about how it is off limits. Excellent.

I remember an exchange with my alien pod person (husband) when we were discussing separating before I knew he was having an affair. I was getting the house and was fixing it up and using HIS tools. I bought most of them as gifts for him because he used to love home improvement projects which he had long quit doing. He came home one day after I'd installed something and asked how I did that, in amazement. I grabbed the drill and just did it. MY drill? he laughed. I said tools are required for home ownership - the tools stay with the house. It's my drill now.

I still remember the look on his face. BOOM. He realized he was no longer needed. He thought he would remain 'my handyman'. Drop by and fix stuff for me and watch TV and hang out like you see on sitcoms. I shot a hole right through that plan by becoming very self-sufficient very quickly.

Even though we are R'ing, I still take pleasure in that memory of how it messed with his head and how empowering it felt. I didn't need him. Enjoy this feeling RealDeal and let it strengthen to you in the coming days. Keep bursting his insanity bubbles.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
TheRealDeal
♀ Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been a few days since WSO and my exchange took place about upcoming vacation...remember he only wants me there part of the week because he invited OW for the other few days.

Some of you suggested I go and just not leave until I'm ready to leave.

I've been giving that idea serious consideration since then.

When I told him yesterday that I'm considering going (he believes only for the days he wants me to)he said that she probably wouldn't go at all then. Which is just fine with me, duh! I'll need nerves of steel if she actually does arrive.

I'm wavering because I've been crying/breaking down in private over this horrid mess he's put us over the past 2 days but then this afternoon something inside me began to build...rage?...and now I want to call his bluff.

It's my vacation week, too, why should he be the only one to enjoy the lake house?? Is this just temporary insanity thoughts I am having?

Should I not go at all, or go only for the "approved" days or go for as long as I darn well please? Right now I'm feeling the last option is the right one for me!

what are your opinions? I know ultimately this will be up to me but I'd like your input because you are the ones who can relate to this kind of crap and give real-life advice.


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
RedRaven6500
♀ Member
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say: do whatever you need or want to do for you. If you want to go and relax at the lake house, then do. Just know that the OW may be there at any given time.....or not at all. Enjoy it for you, don't let WH or OW ruin it for you. Stay as little or as long as you feel comfortable. Screw WH and whatever little scheming plan he may (or may not) have in his head. Honestly, it sounded to me like he was feeling you out with the comment about him needing the lake house to himself for a few days. Just trying to see if you would freak out, explode or .... not care. The fact you didn't take the bait probably pissed him off more than if you would have said anything at all. It sounds like he got just what he thought he wanted (the OW so they could play house and be in luv) and he got a big dose of reality instead! Hey babe, can you fix this, do that and oh by the way, you are staying at my place and this is how this is going to work. The glitter and roses don't look so good any more when the OW starts treating him like an adult and starts expecting him to man up. And she's going to not like some of his habits, or telling her "well my W used to _____ fill in the blank. I'm sure he's kicking himself in the ass right now, especially since you gave him the indifferent treatment.


BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 "serious" long-distance A's, several casual A's, some at the same time. Classy.
In R

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 40
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