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Newest Member: Highlanderlady (45437)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: my pants are on fire
unforgivable5
♂ Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hardlessons has continuously pointed out to me that I post only about my BS's pain and little to nothing about me. I tell him he's full of crap, I'm working on me and I got this.

But he's right. I don't got this. I spend alot of time sitting here reading and reading and sometimes crying like a baby. I have made progress in working on myself, but I seem to focus on her progress way more than mine. I have used SI alot to get BS's perspective or WS's perspective on their BS's. But I avoid me. I avoid talking about my shit. So with much hesitation and a little prodding from HL, here goes my first try.

I have come to realize how much of a liar I have been throughout my life. I have lied about everything. Not so much in a deceitful way, but I lie to avoid uncomfortablness, I lie to not hurt feelings, I lie to avoid situations, I lie to skim over things I don't want to discuss or get into, I lie to seem agreeable and likeable, I lie to portray a certain image. Bottom line, I lie to avoid any type of conflict. Yep, I'm a big time conflict avoider.

I would always consider myself an honest person. And I believed it. I didnt think I was a big fat liar. But all this self evaluation stuff really brings it to light. I knew all along I didn't like conflict. Who does? But I had no idea to what extent. I can easily trace it back to my FOO. That's the easy part. I can easily recognize when I am feeling uncomfortable in a sitaution. Now how to stop doing it and being true to my feelings. Thats the hard part.

Obviously I'm a WS, declaring I'm a liar isn't ground breaking, huh?


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously I'm a WS, declaring I'm a liar isn't ground breaking, huh?

Actually, making this realization for yourself, and being willing to look at it openly is a huge step that many WS can't take. Those who stick around here on SI eventually will make that discovery, but, as you well know, sometimes it takes a while for it to happen. I'm really glad that you have listened to HL. That shows growth, and that is something to take heart in.

What to do with it? Work on really teasing apart the FOO issues. Make sure you find the source and deal with it for yourself. Not talking about confronting anyone or anything like that. Just work through it, examine it, put it in its place, and then figure out the direction you want to go from there. It is part of who you were, but it will hopefully become past experience which you can incorporate into a new you.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have come to realize how much of a liar I have been throughout my life. I have lied about everything. Not so much in a deceitful way, but I lie to avoid uncomfortablness, I lie to not hurt feelings, I lie to avoid situations, I lie to skim over things I don't want to discuss or get into, I lie to seem agreeable and likeable, I lie to portray a certain image. Bottom line, I lie to avoid any type of conflict. Yep, I'm a big time conflict avoider.

Very helpful to read. Sadly, I can relate. And the biggest lies of all are the one's I tell myself.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
unforgivable5
♂ Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the encouragement Baxter.

Just work through it, examine it, put it in its place, and then figure out the direction you want to go from there.

I know the direction, just need to find the path. I'll focus on this in IC next week. Plus, I assume there are plenty of books on Conflict avoidance.

And JD,

And the biggest lies of all are the one's I tell myself

....amen to that.


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if this link will help, but it was helpful to me in terms of trying to become able to identify my "go to" defense mechanisms. I wish there were just one or two, but I've got a nasty little grab bag of quite a few of these that I've been employing.

http://truepotentialcounseling.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/list-of-defense-mechanisms/

I think my defense mechanisms, ultimately, are preventing me from seeing and dealing with...ME.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BS and was quite touched by your post. It rang some very familiar bells in our house. Long story short, when my H finally reached the point where you now are, so many things made sense. We both began to understand that that type of lying works until it doesn't; then all hell breaks loose. A sense of entitlement, coupled with resentment and emotional numbing, becomes the status quo, and the resulting actions are catastrophic. Now that you've identified a major issue, you can decide how to handle it, and you can practice better coping mechanisms every day. You can be authentically present in your life.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2008
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lie to seem agreeable and likeable

To me this covers all the reasons you listed. It covers the reasons for my lies too. We lie to make us seem better than we are whatever the situation. I think the root of this is poor self-image.

I think when we decide we are good enough (IC helps with this) we will eliminate a big root cause of lying.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
harrypotter
♂ Member
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have done my fair share of this too! I think I always knew that I did it to some extent but I always justified it by thinking that I was being nice and that made it the right thing to do etc. I totally get what your saying. My thing that I do is to leave out small facts that I feel " will hurt the person I am talking to and do not really change the story". And it makes sense to me because I have felt like I wasn't lying. Well, we all know that answer to that one! Purposeful omissions are lies too... that's been one of my many lessons!


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is something I'm going to bring up with my IC. I wasn't a habitual liar. It was only when confronted with a situation where I would be looked at negatively. Maybe this is why I had an A. Maybe not. I've quit looking for excuses though.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 9

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