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User Topic: Dealing with rumors
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DDay was a month ago this Sunday. WH had an ONS with a married colleague. Both he and OW have serious issues stemming from childhood issues/attempted abuse and while it does not excuse the ONS (I do not call it an A as this truly does not describe what it was), it goes a long way to understanding how it happened. I am in a good space now, feeling as though I/we are communicating well, and our M is in a stronger, better place than before. The fact it was an ONS makes it far, far easier for me to have progressed as far as I have since DDay.

BUT. Last night, my WH received a text from OW's BH, letting us know that rumors are going around town (gotta love small town gossip) about WH & OW. Specifically from parents and a couple of colleagues at the school where they both work. Rumor is that WH & OW are having an affair (they're not) and that OW is moving out and separating from her BH (true). But no-one aside from the four of us, the school principal and my IC know that OW is moving out, so how did that fact get out?

We know the name of the person to whom the rumor was told that allowed BH to find out and contact us. Logic know tells me that if that person, we'll call her G1 (Gossip 1) knows, then two close friends (G2 and G3) of mine also know or worse, were the ones who put two and two together and got five.

It may seem strange to have WH, BW, OW and BH working together after a betrayal but our reputations and that of their workplace, as well as both families financial security, is far too important to let any of us crack. Right now, all they have is rumor and there is no possible way the gossips can ever get proof of the ONS, but it's deeply hurtful that they inadvertently made their rumor so much worse than the fact of what happened, and all by jumping to conclusions. Any advice? Right now this is literally worse than DDay, as at least then I had control over my responses and actions, and WH was totally honest and is doing all the right things for R. But this, this is completely out of our (the four of us) control, and it freaks me out.


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night, my WH received a text from OW's BH, letting us know that rumors are going around town (gotta love small town gossip) about WH & OW. Specifically from parents and a couple of colleagues at the school where they both work. Rumor is that WH & OW are having an affair (they're not) and that OW is moving out and separating from her BH (true). But no-one aside from the four of us, the school principal and my IC know that OW is moving out, so how did that fact get out?

Because one of the 6 people in the know told them.

Nest2007, I am assuming it is hurtful and maybe humiliating for you to know you are now the subject of local speculation. But it is only temporary. Interest will die People will move on and forget.

Hold your head high and don't engage with the gossips. That would only give them more to gossip about.

Frankly Nest2007, I would suggest you prepare yourself for the possibility that this was a full A and not just a ONS.

Something was happening behavior wise between your WH and OW that was public knowledge that made the gossips tie your WH to the OW and thus make them connect the dots to her separation from her BH.

It is vary rare for a WS to confess all on dday. Usually there is trickle truth for months. Perhaps you need to do a little digging with your WH.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC once stated that, "When one person knows, everyone knows"

I often think she is right.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a terrifying prospect. But even bigger concern is the logical source of the leak has to either be the principal (a close personal friend of ours too) or worse, the IC who as a psychologist shouldn't be divulging anything to anyone. Maybe the principal's pa had to file a change of address form and spoke about it?? The what ifs and whos are killing us.

Josephine, I do trust my WH to be telling the whole truth. Call me stupid but I know his sense of honor and integrity and the devastation he felt when his actions shattered that self image he's worked for. I can't imagine him betraying that integrity again by not being completely honest with me. That's just the nature of who he is. I have to trust that for R to continue. Like I said, we're in a good space, I'm in a good space, right now. Except for those so called friends gossiping!


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I live in a small town, and I confront the gossips. When I see them whispering and pointing, I calmly walk up and ask if they'd like to know the real story or if they're content to continue spreading their made-up stories. Usually shuts them right up.

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jan 2013
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do trust my WH to be telling the whole truth. Call me stupid but I know his sense of honor and integrity and the devastation he felt when his actions shattered that self image he's worked for. I can't imagine him betraying that integrity again by not being completely honest with me. That's just the nature of who he is.

It is their sense of loss over their honor and integrity that makes them rewrite history and thus lie. And lie again. You are attributing a nature to your WH that is of your own creation. We all do that. The reality is your WH has the capacity to step outside his marriage. That is not a 5 minute out of body experience and now he is back to normal.

I am not saying that the PA portion of their A was more than 1 night. I am saying, it is very likely they had an EA leading up to it. The way they behaved around each other allowed people to connect dots. What was that behavior?

Think about it Nest2007, how did the ONS even transpire? What lead up to it? Was there only 20 minutes of flirtatious behavior that culminated in a ONS? The OW just spontaneously propositioned your WH out of the blue and he for some reason just spontaneously accepted? Probably not.

Whoever did the propositioning had reason to believe they would not be turned down. Most likely there was a build up to the ONS. This build up was probably observed by others.

I think you are focusing all your energy and anger on this gossip mill, anger which is rightly aimed at your WH. You want to find one person responsible for leaking the information. It doesn't matter. Why do you want to "kill the messenger"? The issue is your WH. You should be concerned about whether your WH is doing the work to figure out why he cheated on you.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 4:29 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apologies Josephine, it wasn't my intent to shoot the messenger.

Having read the letter that OW sent me after WH confessed, I do believe that she had feelings for him. I also know that my WH is naive - I was his first girlfriend, kiss, sex, everything. The first person he ever truly opened up to and trusted with his past, good and bad. He has one close male friend and as his friendship with OW progressed, I believe he truly did not understand how a 'normal' friendship works. I spoke to him a few days after his confession and told him that I did think he'd likely put out signals inadvertently, explaining that no-one ever makes a move if they don't think it will be reciprocated. But I do not believe it was his intention.

I also know his state of mind at the time - extremely stressed and anxious, overworked, sleep deprived and a general mess. Again, nothing excuses his/their actions but it goes a long way to explaining the how of their ONS.

If I were to try and recount everything that convinces me to trust WH to be telling the whole truth with me, and to believe that there was no EA on his part, and indeed to understand how the ONS happened, I'd be writing an epic to rival the Iliad!

I've read so much here, some helpful, some not, and recognise that each piece of advice offered is done with care and good intentions - but I also understand that everyone's experience is different, and their advice is colored by that experience. Each of us are in entirely unique experiences, with entirely unique relationships with our WSs that mean every situation is different.

I believe my husband and am working through R with that trust in mind and being rebuilt. I can see his sorrow and remorse every day, recognise the pain that causing me pain has caused him, seen his tears and feel his anguish at what his stupid mistake has and could cost him and us, his family.

I'm emerging from this already, feeling blessed by the support here but also by the way that his mistake has positively impacted our relationship. There is an emotional transparency that is strengthening our M. As a Christian, I have learned incredible thing through first hand experience of forgiveness and healing, and yes now, even gossip. I can't help but emerge from this mess as a stronger, better person with a new depth to my M. Do I like how it happened? No. But I'm learning how to make this a positive for me, while realising that my situation and response is the exception, not the rule.


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What he did was not a mistake. It was a choice. He chose to cheat on you. Calling it a mistake minimizes what he did.

There is a saying here on SI..when someone shows you who they are,believe them. You have told us why YOU think he cheated..what does he say?

Is he doing anything to figure out why he did this? Are the two of you talking about it? Does he answer all of your questions? Is he transparent? Did he send a NC email to the OW? Did you see it? Has he been tested for STD's? Have you?

Yes,our comments are colored by our own experiences. And those we have seen on SI. Your WH may be the exception.

It's dangerous to let a WS rugsweep. It's even more dangerous for a BS to rugsweep.

He is your husband. You want to believe you know him,know why he did this,know how to fix this,and put it behind you,using the experience as a stepping stone to a better marriage. It helps you feel in control of your life,during a time when your life is very out of control. If you can wrap it up in this nice,pretty package,you can move forward together..easy peasy.

But affairs,even ONS,are messy. Especially when they were coworkers,because clearly there had to be some build up.
You want to believe your WH is naive..and he might be..but it's also possible that he wasn't...that he knew what he was doing. His actions have shown you he isn't the man you thought he was. It's a hard thing to accept..we all understand.

Being optimistic is great...as long as you don't rugsweep.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes to every one of those questions confused. We talk constantly. He recounted in detail the entire conversation and circumstances leading up to the sex the night of the ONS. He and I are seeing ICs and a MC. He's listening to every single thing I've told him I need to R, and doing it unconditionally.

NC is not possible in the traditional sense as they are colleagues who have to work together - teachers who share a class for several subjects. I have complete access to all texts and emails and he tells me immediately any time they have to talk. They only speak about professional matters and do all planning, marking etc in the staff room out in the open.

I have no reason to distrust him and don't believe I'm rug sweeping - and if it all falls in a heap and you guys are right, I know I'll be here angry as all hell and asking your help. But I'm confident I won't.


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read so much here, some helpful, some not, and recognise that each piece of advice offered is done with care and good intentions - but I also understand that everyone's experience is different, and their advice is colored by that experience. Each of us are in entirely unique experiences, with entirely unique relationships with our WSs that mean every situation is different.

You have no idea how many times a new BS comes to this site and says the very same thing...only to return to say we were all right. The problem is that with your blinding trust and rugsweeping belief that he is honorable and telling the truth, you are only enabling him to continue with this facade of being truly remorseful. The fact is you don't know if he's remorseful yet. The first month they all come across as truly "sorry" for what they've done. They cry, beg, plead, open up, become more affectionate, etc....because they are trying to appease you at that moment. It's when they get further down the line that you see if they truly are remorseful. It's much more difficult to do all of those things for a few months and/or more. Some don't even last 6 weeks.

Call me stupid but I know his sense of honor and integrity

Really? So then you knew he was cheating on you and was planning on having a ONS? You knew he was a man willing to throw you and your marriage away? I'm guessing those answers would be no, so then you really don't know his sense of honor and integrity.

You are completely rugsweeping at this point. You know how I can tell? You are more concerned with rumors than you are for holding him accountable for cheating. You make excuses for him and say you are in a good place. At one month you have no idea if you are in a good place. At one month, most people can barely get out of bed. You carry on like ONS isn't that big of a deal. Trust me, as soon as you stop rugsweeping and truly deal with what he has done, then you'll hit the rollercoaster of emotions and holy hell will break loose.

I highly doubt this was just ONS. Affair rumors rarely circulate from a ONS. It's a pattern of behavior that people see on a recurring basis that give them the fuel for affair rumors. Another way you are rugsweeping? You'd rather blame the principal, your IC, the pa for this rumor being started, than to blame your WS and his OW.

Eventually, you are going to have to face the truth in this situation and face the issues head on. This "rose colored glasses" view of your WS isn't going to solve anything. Instead, it leaves you open to him cheating on you again. If you don't stand strong now, nothing will change as far as he's concerned because in his mind, nothing has to.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 11:30 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to find another job. Easy? No. Necessary for your healing? Yes. Necessary for a healthy marriage? Yes.

Gently..you only know what he is telling you.

You have reason to distrust him...a month ago he betrayed you and your trust.

It does sound like he is doing everything right. But R is a process...and an emotional rollercoaster. At a month out,you're still in shock. You're still processing what he has done..the anger phase hasn't set in yet. Is he willing and able to ride that rollercoaster with you? Because right now,it seems you have made things easy for him..how will he handle it when things get tough.

You may be the exception. You may be the rare BS who is able to put this behind them and move forward very quickly. I say "rare" because in all the time I've been on SI,I have never "met" another BS who feels as you do,at a month out. That may change though. I truly hope it doesn't. I hope you and your WH are the exception..I truly do..despite my "doom and gloom" posts. Im not trying to bring you down..I hope you will believe that I am only trying to help YOU..because I believe you are in a bit of a fog.

If you are,we will be here when you need us.

Oh...and I don't think you're "stupid" for believing you know who your husband is. Of course you do..he is your husband. The thing is,he has done something that shows you that maybe you don't know ALL of him. Every one of us believed our husbands would never do this to us..we all believed we knew our husbands..only to find out we didn't know *this* side of them...because they chose to hide it from us.

[This message edited by confused615 at 7:32 AM, July 5th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fallout from infidelity is horrendous.

People do gossip about bad behavior. That rumors are flying is a natural consequence of your husband's behavior. He chose to put grist in the rumor mill, sadly. It was wholly predictable and wholly preventable.

If there is nothing fueling the gossip, it will die down.

Try to focus less on gossip and more on what your husband is doing to make you safe in your marriage (and therefore to feel safer among gossips---because if, in fact, you do know everything and are on your way to reconciliation, nothing will silence them more rapidly than seeing you, heads held high, together ).

There are things that worry me. Chief among them is that your husband continues to work with OW--a woman who "had feelings" for him (and is ending her marriage, to boot). This suggests more than an ONS. While there may not have been a protracted physical affair, the odds that there was/is an emotional affair are astronomical.

That is where my focus would lie. You say your husband is doing all of the right things. What do these include? Has he given you a timeline of his relationship with this woman? (When did crossing the boundary from work colleague to friend first occur? When did the first suggestion of "feelings" occur? How did his thought patterns about her evolve? How did his feelings evolve? How did they get from colleagues to affair partners? What was the time frame? What did he tell himself about the you, the woman, your marriage,and the affair?)

Is he in individual counseling to determine how he made, in his mind, something so very inappropriate all right? Is he working with his IC to delve into the thought processes that allowed him to expose you to the pain of discovery, the agony of recovery, and exposure to the gossip and judgment of your community? Is he working with his counselor to identify what he told himself to make infidelity an option, then to gather tools to prevent this from ever happening again? Is he aware and accepting of the fact that recovery from infidelity--whether an ONS or a long-term affair--is a process that takes 2-5 years if he's honest and reveals all information immediately? (The timeline for recovery/reconciliation changes if there is a protracted trickling of details rather than revelation at the time of discovery; here, we refer to that as "trickle truth." That's an unfortunate misnomer; really, it's protracted lying to spare the WS discomfort at enormous cost to the BS. It ends more marriages than infidelity itself.)

(ETA: I read your later response, and see that he is in IC. That's good. Hopefully, he's really doing the work there. I suspect, though, that neither you nor the IC yet have the whole story. This suspicion comes primarily from your description of his behavior at the time of the ONS. You use it to explain how it could happen. I see it differently; I think he may well have been displaying the behavior of a man in an affair--an affair that ran counter to what he believed his principle to be. I hope I am wrong--truly. But be aware that you may learn there was much more to the EA/PA than you have been told.)

If you feel emotionally safe with him, are you in MC?

Is he actively looking for another job, so that he is not in daily contact with the woman with whom he was willing to jeopardize everything? A woman who is now becoming single, and available, and has shown herself to be willing to have sex with your husband?

I am so sorry for your pain, and I know I am blunt. But you are very early in, and the odds that there is more that you do not know are very high.

Don't confront the whisperers. Listen to what they are saying,instead. It might be nonsense. But it might give you important information. By all means, in the absence of evidence to the contrary, trust (but verify) what your husband says. Keep your ear to the ground.

If there is nothing to fuel the gossip, it will die down and people will move to the next scandal.

Sadly, your husband and his OW decided that their short-term pleasure was more important than the problems it would cause. At some point, on some level, he was just fine with the consequences of his infidelity.

And THAT is what needs to be looked at carefully. The rumors are merely a distraction from the things that really require attention. Don't make the mistake of rug-sweeping the real issues while you focus on unimportant peripheral details.

Millions of hugs to you.

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:12 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8851 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Nest...I'm with the majority of posters who think that perhaps you're in denial. Understood as most are in the beginning.

Where there's smoke, there's fire. Those rumors exist for a reason, much as you may not want to face that fact.

Your DDay was only one month ago and your husband has managed to completely get your acceptance of what he's done to the point where you're looking to protect him. I can't imagine how he's managed to do that in one short month.

Lastly, does the BH of the OW know the real truth about your husband and his wife (even though they're separating), or have you and your husband chosen not to be honest with the poor guy?


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, I too am with the majority that your husband hasn't given you the whole story. I'm five months out and on medication. I'm still a train wreck. At one month I could barely get myself out of bed. My situation is different because my H had a LTA, however, I have to agree that it's hard to believe this was just a one night stand.
Also, you say this woman had feelings for your H and is leaving her marriage? How do you know SHE hasn't told someone? Often times, the OW do things to try and cause problems in the OM's marriage. If she's leaving her husband, has feelings for your husband and is working with him - that is a time bomb waiting to happen. I would be beyond uncomfortable with that.

Please read through these posts. Maybe bring them to your IC and ask them what they think? I told my IC last week that I was feeling sad and I miss *me*. Because I'm not me right now. I'm a pod pretending to be me so my kids don't find out what's happened. My IC said "Honestly, he's doing everything he's supposed to. You're doing everything you're supposed to, but this still happened to you. It's only been five months and if you told me everything was fine and you were doing great, I wouldn't believe you and I'd be concerned that you were in denial."


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know his sense of honor and integrity and the devastation he felt when his actions shattered that self image he's worked for. I can't imagine him betraying that integrity again by not being completely honest with me. That's just the nature of who he is.

Gently...Where did he put his sense of honor and integrity during the time he was orchestrating and then participating in a ONS? If he is completely honest and honorable, why did he not ask your permission to have a ONS before it started, rather than let you know after the fact?


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shut it down by going right to the source. Tell them you know what they are saying and tell them that you are disappointed they would go down to this level. Also remind them - without validating or denying what is going on - that there are people's reputations and children involved and if someone was spreading rumors about them, you would stand up for them.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no reason to distrust him

Except for the fact that he lied and cheated on you already that you know of for a fact.

Nest, I am a Christian woman as well. I have a faith that revolves HEAVILY around forgiveness. I wanted to jump and forgive my H immediately, I wanted to believe what he was telling me, and I felt like our M was better than ever after just a few weeks, EXACTLY like you.

5 months after DDay, I found a HUGE bit of TT (trickle truth). It was involving an entire other person and spanned an 18 month period, so it was huge! I realized that I hadn't forgiven my H, and I would not be able to for a while since he was lying to me the entire time we were having all those deep and meaningful conversations, and speaking with our pastor, and MC and IC for both of us. I realized that I had given cheap forgiveness, the kind you give when someone accidentally bumps into you in the hall at the mall.

I also found my anger at around 9 months out. I raged, I raged so hard, and I am not an angry person. I was finally out of the shock phase, and squarely on my way to really DEALING with this junk. You sound firmly in shock, and that's totally fine. It's a place where you can't really feel the pain (much like a shooting victim doesn't feel the pain right away) until your body is able to cope with it at a later time. I was also dealing with finally taking off those rose colored glasses and realizing that my H IS a liar, AND a cheater, and I was now facing those facts.

And if people are seeing your WH and this OW enough to be coming up with those rumors, then there is more to their relationship than he's leading you to believe. You can't trust him, he's proven that to you by lying and having a secret affair at work. Who knows what else he's doing at work, and of course he's not going to tell you when she kisses him or hugs him or whatever else she might do, because then he risks losing you in a very real way. He's got it made right now, you believe everything he says and he can go on convincing you that those "rumors" are just that, rumors and nothing else.

You are setting yourself up for another DDay by blindly trusting a man who has proven he's not trustworthy. Period, end of story.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also know his state of mind at the time - extremely stressed and anxious, overworked, sleep deprived and a general mess.


.

You use it to explain how it could happen. I see it differently; I think he may well have been displaying the behavior of a man in an affair--


I'm really sorry but I have to agree with everyone posting. He didn't just trip and fall into her vagina. She has feelings for him and is leaving her marriage.... honey this is a full blown affair.

If there is gossip of an affair I'd bet everything it's coming straight from the OW. She's leaving her marriage, they have been caught and she's desperate to reel him back in. That isn't uncommon at all.


.

I believe he truly did not understand how a 'normal' friendship works. I spoke to him a few days after his confession and told him that I did think he'd likely put out signals inadvertently, explaining that no-one ever makes a move if they don't think it will be reciprocated

And I don't think that a college educated man who is also an educator is completely clueless on the structures of friendship. He has to see it all the time with colleagues and students.

It's natural to want to circle the wagons and protect our WS, especially in the early days. He isn't a teenager that doesn't need your hovering. I think if you step back and look at this as if you were a third party I think you'd find huge gaping holes in his story.

I'm really sorry you had to find us and I know you're thinking we are all debbie downers and don't know our ass from a hole in the wall... it's just we've seen this particular story over and over again.

[This message edited by Lucky at 5:09 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Nest, I'm sorry.

I hope what you want to happen will be true and you are in R that will remain through the ages.

I spent time in a place where you are and also live in a small town-there is not even a stop light, no businesses, nothing. Just people living high up on a mountain who gossip all the livelong day.

The thing is, that gossip is begun for a reason. Yes, "purple monkey dishwasher" type stuff can start by kids on a playground, but what I find is that a rumor begins by an action someone saw or heard, even if it gets thwarted by the time it reaches the people it's about.

We are also the subject of gossip, thanks to STBX, but it's about him, at least what I've been told...and it's truth that has actually happened, which is the scary part.

He started an EA states away and thought he was being more covert than batman, but slipped up more and more as time went on.

He was caught the more he went online with the A and his other womanizing and people say they think he wanted to be caught so people would talk and it would get back to me and he, being the world's biggest coward, wouldn't have to tell me...which he never did.

Anyway, I almost lost the one friend who actually tried to tell me the real truth about STBX, when they first found out. This person is another BS and reacted to me the same as what's happening here and I tried to shut her off, because I didn't want to hear or believe it...but it came true nonetheless.

Now she is one of the only people in the world that I have to trust. She said she couldn't live with herself if she knew what she saw and heard and didn't tell me.

(She then caught her own BF post-divorce mirroring STBX's activities).

I read that your WH and OW work together and it seems like they are still in touch and this bothers me, I'm sorry to say.

STBX lied while he sat and hugged me and showed me his phone after deleting the messages from OW, time and time again, until I caught him.

I truly hope that what you believe about your WH is right, but am sorry to say that I believed it, too. I thought STBX was having a midlife crisis and a few other problems...nope.

I hope it will work out the way you wish and sorry if I repeated.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2290 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mind = blown.

Still fine and happy with progress with WH, but my ongoing suspicions about OW's intentions are further consolidated by discovering that she has moved less than a block away from our home, IN THE SAME STREET. I can literally see her new place from my driveway. Furious.

Seriously? WTF was she thinking? Even before we found out about the rumors, she'd applied to rent this place. Of course makes me think she's going into full self destruct mode by living so close and likely feeding the rumor mill.

Am in shock. WH is pissed. Came home from work to tell me. She didn't tell him, he just saw the address on the sign in sheet for a first aid course the staff are all doing today.

I aired my concerns about her intentions last night and he agreed that he needed to be extra clear about the boundaries of professional conduct with her. I trust him, but I do not trust her. Finding out where she lives this morning just confirms it.

To those who say he needs to find a new job - unfortunately we live in a small, remote town and they are both teachers. There is no other school that either can work in and we own a home here, so picking up and moving in the current market is impossible.

Argh!


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
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