Josephine, I do trust my WH to be telling the whole truth. Call me stupid but I know his sense of honor and integrity and the devastation he felt when his actions shattered that self image he's worked for. I can't imagine him betraying that integrity again by not being completely honest with me. That's just the nature of who he is.
Sounds like me three years ago.
You may be right, but to many of us have found out how terribly messed up ou spouses are, invisibly so, the hard way.
Cheating spouses have major problems. problems that they are not disclosing. They are not going to disclose their issues easily or quickly. Simply because they themselves don't understand their problem and they don't have the ability to do so due to their lack of self knowledge.
Spouses that can do this, can do a lot more than you can probably imagine, I've got quite the imagination, yet after the lying and covering up and trickle truth ended, my incredibly compassionate and caring wife related a story to me that I simply could not believe my ears over.
You need to be digging a bit deeper, perhaps in yourself.
You can call me "ex-stupid".
With that knowledge in mind, he's sitting beside me in bed writing full disclosure. Not because he's hidden anything, but because he wants to get it all out in light of his realization of an EA as part of a whole narrative rather than answering my questions piecemeal or having me take the wrong inference from things he's explained. He says there are some things that will paint him in a much worse light, and others in a better light. Wish me luck as I await reading it.
Incidentally, having gained a true understanding of what an EA is, I realise my own father has had an EA about ten years ago. Talk about jarring.
If your H is lying or TT'ng, your gut will eventually tell you that something is off..
When you sweep your feelings under the rug in the interests of keeping things in M smooth and calm a resentment of your H and married life will probably creep in over time..
To tell you the truth I think that is why the rate of depression is statistically higher in women than in men..
I think this is especially true if the M is structured around traditional role models for the H and W.
Many BS's stuff their feelings down in favor of not rocking the boat and upsetting family / their way of life...
In the wake of my D Day 1 there was rug sweeping..
As the years went by and I realized how bitchy and demanding my WS was I began to resent the M..
I resented having to answer to him for money I spent on myself, I resented how clingy he was..
I couldn't go on a long bike ride for exercise without him complaining..
I think these are things that a lot of people deal with in the process of learning to live with another person..If the two people respect each other they iron out their issues as best as they can and to the satisfaction of both
If there is an inequality of give and take in an M, especially where infidelity is involved, I promise you there will eventually be MAJOR resentment on the part of the person being shortchanged..
If the resentment and anger isn't properly dealt with (IC,MC, divorce) it will come out in other ways...
In my case, when my feelings were especially bad, I temporarily drowned them out with too much alcohol or food..
You can imagine the impact this behavior would have on one's health over time :-(
In the wake of D day 2 my WH was un remorseful...
Once I realized WH was un remorseful all those years of resentment that I had bottled up inside exploded in his face..
I felt a sense of freedom..
Mentally I checked out of the M and told myself that one day I was going to physically leave the M and the house..
I told WH that I lost respect for him and that I will no longer listen to him or cater to his wishes unless doing so suits me too..I asked him to go live somewhere else (he refused).
Once I kicked WH out of the bedroom and made him live in a separate part of the house, I felt like I could breathe a little bit...
Yikes I was preachy :-/
The bottom line is to trust your gut , always investigate what it is telling you..Chances are you will find out something important that will need to be talked about and acted on...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:06 AM, July 8th (Monday)]
I directed a lot of anger toward the OW for a time as she wouldn't leave us alone. When she finally quit I found my anger directed toward WS and it has continued that way. There were even days where I felt almost *OK* with it because I was so focused on being angry with her
It's not pretty but through counseling, self help books and reading here I am learning how to deal with the anger/sadness. I believe you are in a place I once was and it will hit you at some point.
Yes a ONS may in the long run be easier to accept but you will still have to heal and go through pain to get to that place.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
Your brain will work on the information in your subconscious and suddenly you'll realize something doesn't click. You realize that the emotions your WH claimed to be feeling at one point couldn't be right based on the actual actions.
Or you'll realize that an action he described couldn't have transpired without some specific emotions occuring also that he didn't disclose.
So give your brain time to mull it over.
I may be wrong here, but I would just tred very, very carefully.
You also haven't mentioned transparency. Has your WH given up all passwords, etc? Is your computer shared and does he wipe his history?
When did your WH carve out time to talk to her? How did this EA develop? Presumably teachers spend a lot of time teaching. You need to figure this out.
When I read your posts, I get a strange feeling, like things aren't as they seem.
Here are my instincts:
1. He came to you and "confessed" to do damage control: he knew the A was about to get exposed (by someone) and he wanted to be the first to tell you...in his way...so you would believe him.
2. When you read about EA and began to realize he was emotionally attached, it wasn't just an accident, he is now agreeing with you, and writing something up for you...there is more he hasn't told you, which he says he'll write out. He has already TT'd you and he is only revealing things after he has been caught, or is about to be caught.
To answer some previous questions though:
I have complete transparency - access to all email, text, (he does not do fb, hates it actually and obviously doesn't do twitter or blog) and he calls me or comes home to tell me any times she interacts with him, particularly yesterday's kicker of OW moving in down the street from us - seven houses away.
WH is the foundation high school teacher for a new high school - there's one grade 8 class and he teaches almost everything. The stress levels are mind boggling - writing all curriculum from scratch, dealing with a class that's almost 50% special needs/learning support. OW is the learning support teacher. Even before the A (yes, that's what I'm calling it now) they had to work closely together and he often had to work late, very late, just to keep his head above water. That's how their friendship evolved and then became what it became.
I built that school. Before I had our DD (10mths) I was what's called a teaching principal - I taught a 5/6/7 composite and ran the school. I grew the school from 9 kids five years ago to 55 by the time I left, primary school only. With the expansion into highschool and a new principal and campus this year, the school has doubled, but it's still my baby. I was the one who encouraged WH to take the job - sick of hearing him being sworn at, abused and disrespected at his previous school, I figured this would be a positive change for him. Would that I could turn back time.
OW was a friend, or at least I thought so. In light of full disclosure, I'm not sure she ever was. But it hurts to lose a friend in such a way.
WH has a massively difficult history stemming from issues with his parents - never feeling good enough, starved of approval. He grew up overseas with missionary parents. He was groomed for abuse by a church priest as a teen, and only escaped it thanks to a necessitated hasty return home when his older brother committed drug offenses here in Aus and WH decided to return with his mum rather than remain as a boarder. If he'd stayed, that priest had arranged with WH's parents for WH to do private catechism classes and WH knew where that was headed.
Affairs come from brokenness. I love my WH more than anything and it kills me to see just how broken he is, how low his self esteem is that he was able to end up having an A. Now seeing the mess and pain it's caused and how close he came to losing his wife and daughter, it continues to destroy him.
I've been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression, with high levels of stress (surprise!!). Am now medicated and can already see a difference in my anxiety.
Will post more about the full disclosure when I have time and have processed it.
But we don't want to be right, we wish we weren't. Unfortunately cheaters do the same crap (many/mostly).
I don't know why but there are thousands of people on SI and I bet most of us could re-write each others stories by changing names.
We trust, we love and believe. There is nothing wrong with that.
But when we find we are mistaken and our spouses have shattered our world it isn't something most of us want to see.
Take R slow, stop defending his honor and start protecting your heart.
It is ok to do, you won't ruin your chances at a real R if he is going to own his behavior and get help...take time to heal and start looking at the truth around you.
It hurts, it's hard, but we are all here and many of us have walked down this path.
I'll wait to reply in more detail after you post your WH's full disclosure....
BUT, to reply to your original question about "dealing with the rumors:"
I'd suggest - The OW is probably fueling the rumor mill. Her marriage has fallen apart; and she'd probably like nothing better than to see you "kick your husband's butt to the curb." THEN she's have the hope of continuing her sexual affair with him - and if you filed for a divorce: She may have marriage to you WH in her little pea brain. Who knows?
I'm really sorry your theory of having a husband "who's an exception" fell through. But, I've never seen that theory pan out...usually the cheating spouse is simply lying. I'm really sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through - especially having the OW working with your WH and having her moving down the street. That's just too , too much!
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
It may seem strange to have WH, BW, OW and BH working together after a betrayal but our reputations and that of their workplace, as well as both families financial security, is far too important to let any of us crack. Right now, all they have is rumor and there is no possible way the gossips can ever get proof of the ONS, but it's deeply hurtful that they inadvertently made their rumor so much worse than the fact of what happened, and all by jumping to conclusions. Any advice?
Since you asked -- who fed you this line? This is the classic WS "you can't tell anybody because then I'll lose my job and we won't have any money to feed our baby" line.
Which may be true, or not.
If your WH doesn't want his reputation tarnished, he shouldn't have an affair while his wife is having a baby. That's "don't be an asshole" 101.
I think you need to give your husband the same courtesy he gave you and watch out for yourself without regard to his feelings or best interests. That's my advice.
However difficult it might be, the employment situation must change. Your husband worked somewhere else before. That needs to happen again. Before he's fired for cause, as he will be (people are gossiping, remember; his affair is known).
I am sorry to be so blunt, but both NC and safety in the workplace are critical to your ability to meaningfully R. Could you be "more civilized" than others, "all working together" to protect reputations and jobs? Honestly, no. And why would you want to? Why would you want to support dishonesty? So they can continue their relationship, working together closely and deepening their feelings--- with one spouse already out of the way? No.
He needs another job. Small town? He can drive to the next, or the next still.
Really, this is a choice HE made when choosing an affair. Insulating him from it does him no good, and all but guarantees the end of your marriage.
The school was your "baby." Now you have another to consider. Stop focusing on what does not matter (gossip, how it "looks," etc) and focus on what does (your marriage).
A new job in a school that does not require him to create curriculum for all subjects will free him considerably; he may not be in your school, but he will be somewhere emotionally safer and perhaps with a workload that (a) permits him to work without the close participation of an affair partner, and (b) leaves considerably more energy to address his brokenness and the injury he caused to your marriage.
Once you step out of damage control mode, it's realistic to expect a real and severe emotional crash. Please don't rug-sweep or minimize; allow yourself to really feel the enormity of the betrayal. It's important not only to your healing, but also to the healing of your marriage in a way that does not permit this to occur again. This is my most serious concern; I see, in your response, so much of myself that I can practically envision the next dozen years of denial and minimization before another bombshell drops.
No one wants that.
[This message edited by solus sto at 11:19 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]
I was the previous principal of the school, their workplace. I would have fired any staff engaged in an affair as it breaks numerous conditions in their employment contract and code of conduct - a Christian school
Since the current Principal is aware of your WH's adulterous affair with an OW in the workplace...this Principal's Christian School: Don't be surprised is your WH is terminated since the "rumors are flying" in your small community. The Principal may be forced to do exactly what you posted you would have done as a Principal---"fire people who participate in such behaviors."
Your WH's choices, and behaviors have broken his contract, and codes of conduct.
I'm really sorry for your pain: But, you really can't FIX this mess your WH has made. Is there a possiblibity your WH can return to his previous job?
I wish you strength in dealing with this newest disclosure.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
We know you L your H. We know you never expected this kind of behavior from him, and you have been blindsighted. It rocks one's world, and sense of reality.
You are hanging onto life as you knew it pre-A with all you have, because the reality will crush you. And believe me, you will feel like you've not only been crushed, but put through a meat grinder when the reality of what your H did to you, your M, and your family by choosing to step outside the M, even for just one night, hits you.
We are so sorry for your pain. We have all been there.
You are not alone.
Good luck and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
Just wanted to offer a hug today, I know processing all this information is difficult.
Please take care of you.