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User Topic: It's hitting the fan
Lackingcourage
♀ Member
Member # 39394
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I have confided everything in a good friend and neighbor. The other night I was telling her that it was so unfair that everyone thought WH was an amazing, perfect person and that I was so lucky to be married to him. I was upset that even people who knew about his multiple LTAs were still treating him the same, that I was the only one treating him differently, which made me the b***h. Somehow, she took that to mean that I wanted her to tell people what he had done. She went to a mutual friend who happens to hold an advisory position on the board of the non-profit WH runs. She chose this woman because she knows her to be a person of faith and my friend was struggling herself with how to respond to WH (who emailed her to apologize for his behavior when I first found out and express his sincere remorse, when, in fact, he had not ended the most recent LTA ). The person in whom my friend confided talked about how one sometimes needs to separate personal integrity in relationships from public integrity in the work place, a la Bill Clinton. This person then proceeded without my friend's knowledge or permission to go to the president of the board and told him everything (mind you, one of WH's LTAs was with a co-worker who is still there). Board president then meets with WH to say that he is not sure how to handle situation-- a person who has been shown to be untrustworthy may not be qualified to lead the organization and if more people find out about his behavior, they may lose supporters. My friend feels horrible, I don't understand why she did what she did but know that her intentions were good and forgive her. WH is angry at my friend (understandably). I feel a little guilty, but then again, I didn't create the situation. I feel like as people fnd out and they know that I have stayed in a relationship where I am treated this way for this long, they will look at me with pity and as someone who is weak. I feel judged also. I have no idea how many people know at this point. Not sure how, or if, to do damage control. Part of me wants the world to know, but I would hate for him to lose his job. Plus, he's a pretty public figure in the community so if it gets to the right person ( or wrong) it could actually make it to the papers. REALLY embarrassing, for all of us. I somehow feel responsible for this potential. Any advice?!


BW 50
WS 50
DD -- which time?
Married 23 yrs, 2 kids 19 and 22
Reconciling maybe?-- Nope, false alarm. He continued to lie, I asked him to leave. Plan on divorce.

Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2013
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WH is responsible. He had the affairs. If his dirty little secret gets aired so be it. He took that risk when he chose to cheat. You have no obligations to keep his secret for him.

Don't forget that.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 829 | Registered: Jun 2012
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why she did what she did but know that her intentions were good and forgive her.

Hmm, I kind of understand. I understand in regards because of this:

a person who has been shown to be untrustworthy may not be qualified to lead the organization and if more people find out about his behavior, they may lose supporters.

Anyway, I may be in the minority, but I really do not see any fault in this with regards to your friend. The bottom, bottom line is that had he not messed around she would have no story to tell. It is the risk that he signed up for when he chose to engage in an affair.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the board president may be on to something. integrity is pretty much across the board.

there are consequences.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2684 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are absolutely correct when you state that you did not create the situation.

Suffering the consequences of his behavior will enable your WH to truly understand the errors of his ways and hopefully cause him to correct his behavior.

I believe that the harder they fall, the more they learn. Maybe it would not be such a horrible thing for your WH to lose his job.

Advice....do your very best to hold your head high. If all becomes public, say as little as possible until the storm passes.

Sorry that you are dealing with this. It i exactly why I told only my IC and decided to struggle through the fallout of infidelity on my own. It was difficult but I have no regrets about that.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
MerryMeNot
♀ New Member
Member # 35872
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are allowed to confide in a friend and vent. SHE is allowed to spill the beans. That was her choice. Don't worry so much about blowback. If there's any, surely your WH can figure out a way to handle it. He handled multiples LTAs, so he can handle this. You've done nothing wrong so there's no need to agonize over a solution.


BS - 42
my fWH - 48
M 8 yrs, together 10
his DD/my stepDD - 14
DDay September 2004; OEAs, PA that lasted 2 months

I have suspicions! He's up to something, I can feel it....


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: southeast US
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry it's hitting the fan. and I'm sorry your friend took it upon herself to blab. (My BFF told my adult daughter whom I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT and that really really really pissed me off NO END!)

But, the bottom line is, your H created this mess, it's ALL on him.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7033 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your friend is trying to be a good friend. You needed to confide in her. She needed to do the same. It's a disturbing secret to keep. You don't have to feel guilty. The only ones you should worry about now are your kids. Do they know? Now I think you and your spouse need to tell them before they hear it elsewhere. If he loses his job, it's his fault. Not yours!!
Also, don't feel embarrassed if it gets out more. You don't have to share details either. If people know they will offer support if they are true friends. Someone said you never lose friends, you only find out who the real ones are. Your spouse should only be mad at himself. Please don't allow him to blame or criticize your friend the whistleblower. Stick up for her.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chinese proverb that goes something like this:

If you do not want others to find out then don't do it...

Only person he has to blame is himself. If he isn't proud of his choices then he should have made better ones. Like choosing to not be a lying cheating adulterer.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1058 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear lackingcourage,

Amen to what everyone else has said. The pig who cheated on me is very well known in the community - even serves on the board of the organization that the woman he has been having the affair with, works for. That's pretty ballsy.

He's the one that made the choice to cheat, whatever consequences there are, they are his to bear.

You did nothing wrong. This was not your fault. People will form whatever opinions they will, but you know in your heart, that YOU have integrity, your conscience is clear and that you are an honorable woman. You have nothing to be ashamed of.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 467 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear your concern about the possible loss of his job and possible stories in the press which would all be challenging for your family. You also mentioned he works with his AP, and that may also have possible legal or financial repercussions for your family, if the AP claims sexual harrassment or gets pregnant. Not to mention health concerns if he has unprotected sex.

Your WH has been living in a fantasy world and by doing so he has risked all you hold dear. Your position is compromised by his behavior and Im guessing more people know about his affairs than you realize. With high profile people the story is bound to come out sometime.

Perhaps this will be just the thing to wake him up out of his fantasy world. If not, he is the one who puts you most at risk and you may wish to plan accordingly.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is angry at my friend (understandably).

Why? Because she didn't join in the cover up? He expects integrity from others but those rules don't apply to him?

He lies to her, he lies to you and yet he is still entitled to her keeping his secrets? For your sake, she may have been willing to.

My friend feels horrible, I don't understand why she did what she did but know that her intentions were good and forgive her

She acted in a way that she believed you supported. You say here that you want people to know BUT not for him to face any 'big' consequences. There is a disconnect there that could be confusing to someone you vent/lean on.

Either-

people who knew about his multiple LTAs were still treating him the same

People rugsweep it. Ignore it and pretend all is fine.

Or they deal with it.

- a person who has been shown to be untrustworthy may not be qualified to lead the organization and if more people find out about his behavior

Which do you want? He needs some consequence but not too much?

Nothing is on the table that is not the truth. WH might actually face a consequence.

But then again, he may not. Just like the people who know and did nothing. This may also come to nothing.

Whatever your damage control is, it should not include lying or covering up for him.

'Working on our marriage is THE priority and that is where we choose to put our effort rather in a public discussion of infidelity'.

He can refuse to discuss it but if your WH lies to keep his positions, I just see that as a continuation with the affair mindset. NOT good for R. He should work up some of the empathy and acceptance that he expects from others for your friend.

And for that matter, for you as well.


I feel judged also. I have no idea how many people know at this point.

What is the worth of a friend, neighbor or stranger that would judge you based upon your H's behavior?

If something actually happens in a more public way, you will find out who your real fiends are. In so many ways that is a good thing. Feel confident that you are human worthy of healthy treatment by your H, family and friends. And to 'let go' of toxic people who are not friend of the marriage or you. You can not change them. But you can control who you let into your world or not.

Use this opportunity to draw firm boundaries and defend them.

With your H, with your friend and with others in the community.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
scared&stronger
♀ Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have a good friend. I also think it is time your hubby reaps some of the consequences for his poor choices.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3959 | Registered: Aug 2007
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WH is responsible. He had the affairs. If his dirty little secret gets aired so be it. He took that risk when he chose to cheat. You have no obligations to keep his secret for him.

This is a consequence of his - your WH's - actions. Period. Had he not cheated, none of this would be happening. That is the bottom line.

He didn't think about other people finding out when he was dicking the OW. He didn't care enough about any fallout. He didn't care enough what would happen and continued his most recent relationship with the OW.

He needs to own it, all you did was tell someone else the truth. Then she did the same.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Topic Posts: 14

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