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Newest Member: whatdoido21 (45321)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: A new twist in the saga
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently posted a bit of a rant on the ongoing difficulties I'm having getting my STBXWW out of our mutual abode. I thought I was done, but there has been a strange twist that I need some help deciding on.

She is applying for an apartment available September 1st. If she gets it, she wants me to consider letting her go live with her parents for the month of August. Sounds great to me, except that she wants to bring our daughter.

Her stated reasons are that 1.) She needs to get away (I'm fine with that. I need her to get away too).
2.) She doesn't want to pay rent for the month of August (understandable, though being able to split the rent would be nice).
3.) She feels like she needs to reconnect with our daughter (Which is true enough. She was absent a lot during the year, and now almost all of her time is taken up with apartment hunting. I've felt like I've been in single dad land for a long time now).

While the suggestion has some appeal, I'm almost certain that a full month is way too long for me to be away from my daughter.

So while I'm pretty sure I'm not going to agree to it, I'm interested in hearing some thoughts. I don't think she's trying to be sneaky or anything, or trying to steal our daughter, but are there any legal ramifications to this? This kind of came out of left field.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't set a precedent like that, even for a month, if it means you won't be seeing your DD for a month! I'd say no way.

If you have been the primary care taker for the last year, that is going to be a huge change - especially with living with the inlaws too! And it sounds like she wouldn't see you. How far away do her parents live?

What are you looking for custody/parenting wise at the end of the day? Primary? Physical? Visitation? Keep to that pattern as much as possible.

Most importantly what is best for DD? If that is going to change from what it is now, look for transitional steps. The age of your DD would also come into play here, I would think.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4127 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to be careful if its out of state. She could set up residence, file for D in that state and file for custody. Beware of Greeks baring gifts.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5718 | Registered: Nov 2007
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with the others. Tell her she can go, but DD stays with you; she can have visitation, maybe 2 evenings a week? Plus one full week, but get it in writing. You don't want her to turn around and refuse to return your daughter, saying it's status quo that she lives her her now, and that you knew of this.

In fact, I changed my mind. Tell her she can go, but not daughter. Period. Since you have both been living in the same house until now and you can't trust her, tell her that you need custody written up by a L before she can have visitation. You need it for September anyway. If there is nothing in writing, you may find yourself and your daughter on the short end of the stick.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5521 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And she still needs to pay her half of the rent for August....because technically she's only *visiting* her parents.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Athena1979
♀ Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep your kid!!!

I agree with all the above posts.

Not only could the wifey be doing a trick by doing residence in another state or by doing something crazy by disappearing with your daughter.

But what about something more plausible.

Could she later say to your daughter, "look, your daddy didn't even want you. He kicked you and me out of our home to live on the streets! Thank goodness my parents were able to take us in!"

I've just been around some master manipulators in my life. And it's something they would do.

Greeks baring gifts, Trojan horse, all good considerations.


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. That's pretty much what I thought. I told her that what we're trying to do in all of this is shake up our daughter's life as little as possible, that this would be too big a change, and then to make another huge change just the next month when she moves out.

We're eventually aiming for 50/50 custody, each of us taking half of the week. I think she's looking to "make up for lost time" with our daughter, but I don't think it works that way.

I don't think this is a scheme, but I don't think I can afford to take the risk, either. I might consider offering her two weeks, no more.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then why not offer her every other week - start as you plan to continue... I'd do a quick lawyer consult first though - CYA.

Not saying it is a scheme, but knowing your rights is always a good idea.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4127 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 8

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