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Newest Member: nadines13 (44587)

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User Topic: Is your WS a narcissist?
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I am currently trying to R and I think WH is a narcissist to some degree, where do I go next? Do I try to talk to him about it and the info I have gathered about it or is he unable to process this? His psych I think, thinks he may have this, I think is testing him for it, but doesn't he have to want to face this and work on it? Instead I see him just having a pity party because he has stuff "wrong" with him and wants to feel bad for himself. Why doesn't he want to face it and better it? I can't relate.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to be assessed and tested. My fwh did this through a psychologist. We had an intake appointment, then he did his testing which took about 4 hours, then a final appointment to go over the results which came with a 17 page report.

Yes they have to want to change and get help. They *can* change, npd is not a chemical unbalance. It takes a LOT of therapy and self work.

However, it can be done.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
scared&stronger
♀ Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup...so bad our therapist told him to leave at one point.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3959 | Registered: Aug 2007
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. So bad most therapists refused to see him. One IC even called me up, after talking to him, and offered to help the boys and I disappear to get away from him.

Narcissists are known for being extremely difficult to treat. They tend to be extremely manipulative, not only to family members but to therapists as well. It's taken our MC a year to really understand the depth and breadth of WH's lies... and that's with me there giving him constant reality checks.

In IC, he can make them believe whatever he wants. Same with the group meetings he goes to for alcohol recovery. I actually insisted he stop seeing his IC because it was destructive to our marriage.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, the mental analogy I use to try to put myself in the narcissist mindset is this. Think of this scene visually, like a movie. Imagine the narcissist is on a busy sidewalk viewing the world, maybe with some people he knows. The narcissist would be a "real person" and everyone (EVERYONE) around him would be a black and white cut out stick figure with a label on it instead of a name "Wife" "Son #1" "Daughter". Whenever someone interacts with the narcissist and either listens intently to their every word or profusely flatters them they suddenly morph into a "real person" still with a label, but the label might possibly be their name instead of their function -- but as soon as the attention stream trickes off they go back to being paper cut-out "Wife".

Ok, so remember you're a function rather than a person, and remember he's pissed off that you're malfunctioning.

I like analogies. I like this one a lot. Especially the malfunctioning part of it.

Be prepared for the reaction to you not doing what the N wants. It could be rage, it could be storm tactics to get you to react the way he wants/you used to. It could be disgust, coldly discarding without looking back.

Whenever I hear about a BS facing a WS who is intent on DESTROYING the spouse in the divorce, I think N.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5747 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suckstobeme: I'm so sorry you went through the same thing. It's amazing how minor the A itself can actually seem when compared to the cruelty of their abandonment. It's not just that they leave you-- they stab you in the heart on the way out. You don't even have time to be hurt by the lies and betrayal because your brain doesn't know how to process the personality change.

And I also felt like it was equivalent to having a parent turn on you. That's the other thing with NPD... They make sure to make themselves so indispensable to your life that you get to a point that you don't know how to live without them and you didn't even realize that it happened.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
time2Bstronger
♀ Member
Member # 34715
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, the mental analogy I use to try to put myself in the narcissist mindset is this. Think of this scene visually, like a movie. Imagine the narcissist is on a busy sidewalk viewing the world, maybe with some people he knows. The narcissist would be a "real person" and everyone (EVERYONE) around him would be a black and white cut out stick figure with a label on it instead of a name "Wife" "Son #1" "Daughter". Whenever someone interacts with the narcissist and either listens intently to their every word or profusely flatters them they suddenly morph into a "real person" still with a label, but the label might possibly be their name instead of their function -- but as soon as the attention stream trickes off they go back to being paper cut-out "Wife".

Ok, so remember you're a function rather than a person, and remember he's pissed off that you're malfunctioning.

This so describes wat I had been living with. We have been separated for 7 months and it hurts so much, but reading this, remembering what it felt like to live in THAT relationship, in alot of ways, I like being without him.


Posts: 356 | Registered: Feb 2012
SweetheartVixen
♀ Member
Member # 4956
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<<<<<The thing they all have in common is their sense of entitlement and that they are special. More special than everyone. They are not usually capable of taking other people's feelings into account but can pretend to if it serves them. Which is their underlying MO in life>>>>>>>
wifno2 said it all with this statement.
I never ever thought my STBX was but therapists have told me differently and I can now see it.
When I quit returning his love becuz of all the deception and lies about me he became someone that I do not know. He turned against me and here he was the one telling unbelievable lies about me and wouldn't admit it to me or anyone. Not a 12 step kind of guy, that's for sure. And he is covert and very cleaver.
I always felt sorry for others who had to deal with a N and here I was with one also and didn't even realize it until I quit allowing him to control and manipulate me.
Live and learn. I don't think they can change. And that's sad.
I wish I had known all of this years ago.

ETA: Phantom, Your post is spot on. I could have wrote it word for word except the job description. Wow. And I was in this relationship for over 40 years. Funny how we don't even know who they are..or who they really were. UGH.
Good luck, get joint therapy or else he will lie to his IC as someone posted. Most didn't want to deal with my spouse because of his constant lies.

[This message edited by SweetheartVixen at 12:01 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]


BS/60s WS/60s Divorcing and not soon enough~!
Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice...

DD 6-14


Posts: 3095 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: somewhere over the rainbow
mystified1970
♀ Member
Member # 36291
Helpless  Posted: 2:06 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does the "clinical" narcissist know they are a narcissist?

How about those who carry a lot of narcissistic traits but seem to genuinely be able to feel empathy and regret?

I'm so tired of armchair psychoanalyzing this but am just one of those people that needs to understand every little thing.

Obsessing today. Terribly obsessing.


heavy sigh

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Asia
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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