This polygraph was not going to be a deal breaker, was not going to be a solution. Either way, pass or fail, it was not going to do me any good at all. So I cancelled our Friday morning appointment. I did not tell him that though.
During the past few days, I felt hopeless, confused and lifeless. I still feel that way. Last night, came home and he innocently says to me "are we going for the test tomorrow morning?" I then told him that I cancelled mainly cause of the threat. Needless to tell you guys, I believe he knew we weren't going, it was a manipulative trick of his. It made him look innocent.
Now you readers know where I am. Mentally and Physically dragging myself around the house.
The treat to me was (not as bad as the confessions) but very painful. It brought me back to the bottom. I probably will never be at peace with this doubt. Is he telling me the truth, or is he lying. He had an opportunity to put me at peace and he turned his back on me.
Now he is in a better place, and I have to live with this. Do I stay, or do I go. Time will tell.
But you don't have to live with it. You must remember that you do have options.
I'm glad you realize that he is manipulative. Many who are in your shoes are so programmed to feel self-doubt that they don't even realize how unsafe and unhealthy the relationship is, and how they are being manipulated. You are being dragged down by the one who is supposed to build you up. You are suffering from emotional abuse. Be careful, because you can reach the place where you don't even realize what he is doing to you.
He was telling you there would be consequences for him taking a poly - but look at the consequence you are going through now because you are with a totally selfish man.
He can be very resentful, manipulative, cold, and silently ruin me little by little. I could not let myself go there.
You are already there because he has manipulated you into caving. Now you are feeling "hopeless, confused and lifeless." (Your words.) However, I do know the reason for caving; to not cave is to feel the same, only more so because of his means of holding it against you. In other words, you are in a no-win situation.
So, here's my take on it. Cheating aside, do you want to be with someone who would be cold and manipulative for any reason?
You did not cause him to be this way. This is who he is.
You cannot change him.
Do you want to live your life this way?
You say time will tell. In the meantime, get your ducks in a row. Make copies of all documents like tax papers, marriage license, etc. etc. Put all your share of marital money in a safe deposit box in your name only. Decide where you will work and live if you separate. To be fully prepared for D is so self-powering that it gives YOU that needed lift to know that you can cope with life, come what may. You will realize that you don't need him. And then you might even realize that you don't want him. At any rate, be prepared. It puts you in a much better place emotionally and even physically.
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
He had an opportunity to put me at peace and he turned his back on me. Whatever decision I make now is on you.
I would tell him this and then walk away and let him think about it.
Please take some time and work on healing yourself. I think it is obvious that you need to build some strength and get away from this abusive man. What a terribly cruel manipulation.
Take good care, and sending you big hugs.
This polygraph was not going to be a deal breaker, was not going to be a solution. Either way, pass or fail, it was not going to do me any good at all.
His "threat" only works as long as you allow it to work. By the above quote you had no plan in place yet. The poly was a way somehow for you to get him to tell you something but yet he knew you would not go thru with it.
Fear is what holds many BS's back. Get yourself into some kind of IC if you can. I think it could really help you. And as I said before, start with baby steps, start with things you can control. Right now you are in shock, the anger will come. Your strength will come when you admit you really have to take the bull by the horns and start looking into your own life.
He turned his back on you
Turn your back on him..
Some people are unable to leave right away and their WS's refuse to leave.. Getting ducks in a row and leaving does take time..
With that being said there is an immediate option available..
Walk away from him or divorce him in your mind..
He will immediately realize that you didn't cave.... Damage is done...No going back..He is screwed..The life as he knows it is gone..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:24 AM, July 5th (Friday)]
I hope you find that you are worth so much more than what you are permitting in your life and that you find your strength, then kick him out.
Marriage is a partnership, not a servitude sentence.
His relief comes at your expense, and it should not be thus.
He will never become a better man when you being subservient and passive about your marriage and your value.
What can we do to help you find your worth?
He is pushing the buttons in you that he has learned will work, and it seems like he enjoys pushing those buttons. I am having WS do a poly this afternoon and I am beside myself because of it. But I need a starting place, someplace to stand on, something that I can feel more sure about. I think that is what you are searching for...a block of ice to cling to after your Titanic has sunk. I think he is saying these things to you to manipulate you to not get the poly as he wants to avoid the repurcussions of truth coming out....all for him. Where is his concern for you? And the cost is not his concern, not really. $850 is not worth you getting some measure of peace? I know all about the coldness, resentment, silent treatment that you speak of too and that sounds like that happens for you probably will happen again sometime regardless of this poly but at least when it does happen you will have this measure of peace.
Please stand up for yourself. Don't let him control so much of your happiness, look at you, being mind-f***d by him again. Is he in IC at all, are you? What does he do for you? You have beautiful children and grandchildren, let them have the real you, not the one who is being destroyed by your WH. Please value yourself and let him see that you are valuable.
I see your hurt, I know it.
Sending you strength.
Hugs to you.
Take away the perks and acts of love that he receives from you now!
The fact that he didn't want to cooperate with the poly without giving you manipulative BS makes it obvious that he isn't remorseful..
If your experience is like mine, it doesn't matter how much new truth comes out in the open unless there was a crime involved, ie sexual assault....
The mere fact that my WH is showing me a lack of remorse or respect is ENOUGH to make me lose any feeling of love or good will I had for him..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:05 AM, July 5th (Friday)]
I truly hope one day you're able to realize that your life is worth more than this.
Good luck to you.
[This message edited by cliffside at 11:18 AM, July 5th (Friday)]
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.
How much longer are you willing to live this way? You're not getting any younger. Is this the way that you want to live until you die? Is his the last face that you want to see before you close your eyes for good? Please think about that. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I am so sorry.
The bad news is he is just a fucking ass!!!! And a bully to boot!
The good news is that YOU can make a change for YOU!!! You have taken off the rose-colored glasses. The hard part is actually putting them down and smashing them. Not an easy thing to do, I know.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to Skan. Do you really want to look out to the future, see yourself dieing a slow death, knowing what you now know? TO THE HELL NO!! Sweetie, you need to look to the future and see sunlight!! And you can. It can start with just ONE baby step. What step can we help you with? What would be the first step you would tell a friend?
180 his ass, shock and awe him! Let's see how smug he will be then, when LBTS stands up for herself for the first time? Have you looked in your closet for your bitch boots yet?? I believe there is a closet full of them for all SI'ers!! They fit every time! I think we also have bitch slippers, if the boots are too much to start with
Wish I could hug you IRL, but I can only send them. Here, take them (((( )))))