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User Topic: Being each others firsts?
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Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fww was my only, and I knew she was with other men before me, but I never realized how many and didn’t realize she introduced me to some of the ones she was seeing behind my back while we were dating and married.

The thing is, I was ok with her past it was the present that really bothered me. She gaslighted for years to the point of chewing my ass for even thinking such a thing about her. There were times that I would think I was lucky to have her faithful in spite of her busy past.

There is a special kind of messed up feeling to believe I wasted monogamy on this. It seems to me there is a pain all its own to have someone so “busy” trick you into believing otherwise just to find out 20 years later that in fact she was playing you for a fool the whole time. But, I can definitely see how had I been her only the devastation I would feel for having left something so incredibly special for meaningless sex.

I am not so sure there is any infidelity that is less bad than another. The common denominator is they all have some sort of severe emotional pain associated with them in spite of the unique and dynamic situations.

I may not know exactly how you feel, but unfortunately I have a pretty good idea that it isn’t pleasant either. I hope you find peace with this somehow very soon.

Posts: 1212 | Registered: Feb 2011
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Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pain you feel is the same for me as well. My WH and I were each other's first.

TMI but,
I enjoyed that fact, no one else had known his body, what he looks like when he is finishing, I was the only one he had the pleasure to experience.

BOY WAS I DEAD WRONG. It seems after about a year and a half, he just couldn't WAIT to try out other people. Now that everything has come out, he asks me "Haven't you ever wondered what it is like to have sex with another person?" and I say "Of course I do and did. However, I NEVER placed that above or anywhere near my love and respect for you and my marriage."

So now, he has had many partners, and even though I was his first and his first wife (obviously) I am not even the only woman to know what it is like to carry a child of his.

The pain is very real. I feel extremely embarrassed now because of my 'inexperience', jealous, ashamed that I went on believing and enjoying what I thought was true for so long, enraged that in his mind he felt he was entitled to try other people because he hadn't, and enraged that he took something that was special about us and just stomped all over it and allowed those other people a go right after him. I also hate that he gets the luxury of having a wife who is 'virgin' to anyone but him and doesn't have to worry about me comparing him to my other lovers or past partners, while he just gets all these new experiences to marvel over. Sometimes I NEVER want to have sex with him again because it makes me so angry and disgusted.

I don't think if we hadn't been our spouse's first and stayed true to them, that it would really be that much less traumatic for us. However, I do feel like it is one more layer thrown onto the big pile of shit that our WS's threw ontop of us...if that makes sense.

I also agree with a post way above me. To me, I equate sex with love and it is something special and I don't understand sex without emotion or love. That makes R that much harder, because I feel like there is no way he just did it to get off and then didn't really enjoy it or feel any kind of feelings. I guess it also doesn't help that he did have an EA/PA, and with that, at the very least, there are emotions during the fog. The 'I love you's', the cuddling after, and the talks of future plans after the act. It eats me up inside. It was something very special to me, and even if I leave him, I will never have that 'we were each other's firsts and onlies' ever again.

[This message edited by Tired05 at 8:10 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

Together 6 yrs. M 4 yrs. DD born 3/1/2013.
Me: BS -- Him: 1 EA/PA (6mos), PA (MW), and 6 ONS...Been at it for almost 5 yrs. *Still slave to TT* 1st DDay- 11/24/2012,
.....OC due in August.....

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
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Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were each others one and onlies too. Early on after dday I made a big deal of this. We were kids when we started dating an we waited almost 2 years to consumate out relationship. This was only after we had already commited our lives to one another.

Now after R and healing and time I can look at things differently. Yes I took great pride in only having sex with my spouse. Now I can say honestly, at the time when we got married it was a big deal. But during his A he wasn't himself. He was broken and messed up. Do I think we lost something by losing this level of special? Not really not anymore. Few people go through life with only one partner. Had this whole shitstorm not occurred I'm not confident that we would be nearly as happy and healthy as we are today. We certainly have a great sex life and our intimacy is at a level I didnt know was possible prior to dday.
So I guess my point is yah it sucks for everyone. I'm not convinced its more painful than others who are married that had someone before. After all they were commited when their partners chose to have an A. I think anything can be a bigger deal if you choose to make it one, the trick is keeping perspective and focusing on the here and now and the future.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everything here.
Wh and I were onlies. We were the only ones I know in our age group to have only been with each other. People told us it would never work, that you needed to have sex with other people to see what else is out there...I thought they were wrong but I was wrong about wh :(

I never thought I would have to think about him with someone else. I loved that I was the only for so many things. Before me he had only kissed a few girls nothing more and I had kissed one other guy. Everything else was just for us. I used to feel our connection was so strong when we were having sex and i knew that was only ever shared between us. The connection isnt nearly as strong now. Now everything is shared with her including the phrase "I love you" makes me sick.

I hate that she knows what I know. That everyone knew we were onlies (we were pretty proud about it) now everyone knows we aren't. I hate that for 8.5 years I was all he needed and then suddenly he needed more. He couldn't resist her. I'm so much prettier then her...I look at her and I think "her? Really? She's the one that you gave it all away for? The one that was worth losing everything about us that was special?" I don't get it :(

He says he never wanted to only be with one person. He always knew he would need to know what being with someone else was like. I must have missed that part of our wedding vows. He never told me that, he always said he was glad we were onlies. I asked him several times about it over the years.

He is so happy now. Happier then ever before. I feel like there is no happy left for me anymore. I'm not happy with him and I know I wouldn't be happy without him. I love him but I hate him. It's so conflicting.

D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
Want To Wake Up
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Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not convinced its more painful than others who are married that had someone before.

Tushnurse I don't believe that it is more painful (I apologise if that's how it came across) it's just a layer of pain that others who have had previous partners would not experience... much like the women who are betrayed while pregnant or those whose spouse has an OC as a result of an A. That's not a pain I have felt and, reading here, I am sure it's a special kind of hell (we all have our own "special" hell from this, most have more than one kind of hell) This is one of mine.

It's not 'worse' just... different and perhaps because a couple being "one and onlies" is a bit unusual these days (e.g. neither of my adult children will ever be able to be in a "one and only" relationship with anyone... not now, that ship has sailed for both of them)it feels as though no one can understand that particular loss.

It's comforting (and at the same time very sad) to know I am not alone in that feeling of loss. I'm not crazy for feeling that it IS a loss just because my WH doesn't feel the same.

Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)

One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”

Posts: 477 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In 5 years being here, I have seen this topic come up many times. Saw the thread yesterday and just passed it over, but today, I saw two pages and decided to check it out hoping someone would have that nugget which would make this aspect "click" for me.

Nope, not yet. Perhaps some day someone's perspective will click for me, but for now this is one area that remains open I am sorry to say, especially for all those dealing with this aspect as well.

As for pain, I agree, it is not "more" painful or tramatic, degrees of pain and trama are individual IMO, not necessarily universal, some aspects of infidelity that cause others here deep grief and in some cases are their personal deal breakers were not an issue for me, and vice versa.

The only "solution" I have found for this issue for me, is to realize my "why" behind this being onlies was special. And to question why it was special, why it meant so much to me, should it have? what does/did it say about me and who I am/was or who I wanted to be? Why did I really remain faithful? Is this issue one that truly makes me special or not special? What really is "special" and can another instill speciallness in me? Do I want to leave that area of "speciallness" to another to have control over whether I am special or not? Does he really have that kind of power?

I too bought the being "onlies", and the being married X number of years as special and something of value, I have had to examine it and question it. Have come to some thoughts on the matter , but it is not "settled" but it is not a huge weight of pain and shame as it was before, but it is not gone yet, there is still work to be done imo for me in this area, it might be that I need to change more of my perspective, or it could be simply that it was something important and I just have to grieve it as I have grieved so many other things lost due to infidelity.


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
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Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saw the thread yesterday and just passed it over, but today, I saw two pages and decided to check it out hoping someone would have that nugget which would make this aspect "click" for me.
IMHO, married onlies get the emotional privilege of maintaining their sexual innocence. I guess I view it as a gift that they have never given to another. It is very rare that two people valued sex at the level of an exclusive gift given only to someone who can give that exclusivity in return.

With that said, I think being married under that shroud of emotional security regarding sex causes one to be much more capable of exposing themselves to the misconception that "my spouse would never" mentality. So when it does happen, its not just the betrayal, its taking back the gift. The sad part is that the gift isn't taken the day one strays, its taken from the moment they were onlies. I can see that having an emotional trauma all its own.

Posts: 1212 | Registered: Feb 2011
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Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, yes, joeboo! I spent five years with clues in my face and steadfastly rejected the clues I saw as possibly being about infidelity. I so felt in my sole that he would not go there with another woman because I just could not see him ever taking that step, not after never having a

DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Happy  Posted: 10:06 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, yes, joeboo! I spent five years with clues in my face and steadfastly rejected the clues I saw as possibly being about infidelity. I so felt in my soul that he would not go there with another woman because I just could not see him ever taking that step, not after never having anyone but me (and me being so great):) I even found some pictures he had of her with her husband, on the beach in bikini, and he said he didn't know how they got on his desk at office, why don't you ask her? I tossed out the notion of anything between them because I KNEW he would not go there. I instead believed that he swiped the photos off her desk to ogle at and I didn't want to get HIM in trouble by confronting her for something he had swiped so to protect HIM I didn't ask her. This hurts so much, because of my decision it went on for years more, I had that in my hands and blew it. My decision caused years more of harm to me. I really believe that for us first and onlies it takes so much longer to investigate the possibility of infidelity, we just can't visualize our partners with another another person because in our (false) reality we know that that has never occurred. So we let it go on for so much longer whereas I believe others don't struggle with the belief of at least considering the possibility for so much longer. We have to get past another layer of disbelief before we can go there.
Handicaps us in the discovery process I believe and maybe lets it go on longer because of our handicap.

DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great replies by all.

Some new thoughts for me because of this.

1. I still have my vows intact. While I have natural sexual urges and have fantasized...I did not act on them. Not feeling self righteous about that...but no longer feel as if I somehow missed out on something intoxicatingly exciting...that is having sex with someone other then my wife. I say this because the actions my wife displayed after her A died resembled to me that of an addict....leaving me to feel as if I had missed out on something...seeing her desire at such a strong level even with being faced with hurting her husband and her daughters and her self respect--it made me wonder just how great the experience could be for me. As time has gone by I am comforted by my choices...not feel trapped by them or somehow at a disadvantage. A comfort I would lose if I had chosen to have an affair of my own in response to urges I have had. Thank you SI for letting me see how that adds another layer of issues to work on!

2. The importance I put on this part of my marriage set me up to be blind to the dangers out there. I knew guys had temptations to deal with and I took actions to keep my boundaries firm...but never thought women needed them because I incorrectly thought they were not tempted. I am blind no more...and will find seek opportunities to set the relationship foundation of my young daughters up differently then I did my own. I don't know if this is to encourage premarital some have suggested...but will put this on my to-do list. Of course, the importance I put on this part of our marriage DID help me set up firm boundaries as mentioned some weight is needed (and this is where I am going to examine further over the next years).

3. This is serious this level I guess it doesn't really matter if I had 1 or 20 partners...the betrayal is betrayal. I would do good to stop trying to quantify and compare my experience to others.

Thank you again for so many thoughtful and differing posts.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:34 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4032 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
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Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been with my WH now 31 years. I used to be extremely proud and excited to tell people we are high school sweet hearts.

I was his first and he was mine, but to find out now that 6 months later while he was in college he had a second.
His first duty station in the military, he had #3, 4, and 5.

That was all before I married my one and only!

It continued for many years. How did he it make him feel when he heard me saying, so proudly, we were HS sweethearts?

I feel ashamed to be part of this marriage. I feel stupid that I didn't see the signs, or was just young and in love and ignored them.
I feel that my whole married has been a lie. There must have been nothing special about me to keep disrespecting me, except for the fact that he knew I would always be there for him, support him and love him.

He have been in R for a long while, but have decided I will never be able to trust him again.

I am working on healing myself and walking with my self confidence again, which I never had lack of before this mess.

Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say is "me too." It was a large part of the betrayal. We were virgins, and i remember very well how difficult that commitment was to maintain. But there was no self-control at all between them. And when it started, she seems to deliberately ruin sex between us, I suppose so that she could tell herself how superior an experience it was being with him.
It was one of the reasons that it took me so long to really investigate and learn the truth. I didn't think that a woman who had waited until marriage could possible commit adultery. What an idiot I was.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
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