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User Topic: I'm not overreacting
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else getting this vibe?

Yes. Those same things grabbed my attention also.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8075 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else getting this vibe?

Without a doubt.

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13807 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mysticpenguin)))))) do you feel better, now that he's affirmed your feelings? Was being told you're not overreacting enough?

The one-sided open relationship is soul-crushing. I had this, unwittingly. The effects linger long after the end of the marriage.

I'm glad you're planning IC. You deserve so much better.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:43 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8841 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the one downfall of SI - and don't get me wrong, this is a great & helpful place! - is that unfortunately no one here knows me, or my WH, or our relationship history.

we are in a mutual open relationship

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:28 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NatureGirl, I'm ordering those books. I never considered that I could be codependent


These books are life-changing.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9823 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are young, I fear that you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt,

My STBX, I would have swore on the lives of our kids that he was 100% straight, when I caught him cheating with a woman, I kicked him out, his co-workers referred to him as a "pansy", I was shocked, STBX had always been negative towards gay people, we reconciled for a brief period of time, he denied any reason as to why these co-workers would say anything like that about him,

Fast forward to now, the things I have learned, and not because I want too, he is what they term on the internet as tri-sexual, men, women, and transvestites. He also lives in a cukhold relationship, but also maintains a girlfriend, who knows nothing about his special living arrangements with his roommates, this is the true him, the him I lived with never really existed, and he is very fragile emotionally

I lived with this man for 21 years, we had a very active sex life, that is what shocked me most when I caught him cheating, was because we had sex daily, if it wasn't him initiating then it was me,

I'm a very open minded person the only thing that I ever asked for was 100% honesty, what killed us was the continued lies and dishonesty, now I see how fake he was, he did a lot of pretending and being what society dictates instead of being the real him

Me and our children is what they call a "beard" , something to hide behind, we were a cover, because from my age bracket, it wasn't acceptable to be so out there sexually as it is today

Posts: 386 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out on dday that my husband is bisexual. I have been with him since 1996. We had/have a very passionate sex life..often,adventurous..HOT. NEVER in a million years would I have ever thought he was bisexual. Had I not stumbled upon his secret email account and seen it with my own eyes,I would still not believe it. Hell,Im 3 years out and have an enormous amount of trouble picturing MY husband doing *that.*

He fits none of the stereotypes. I have/had gay friends..never had a clue about my husband. I've asked my friends if they ever picked up on *anything* at all..nope. I am very open minded and outspoken..I believe gay is gay,and that's ok(lol..sorry,gotta amuse myself somehow). However,he chose to hide this side of himself from me. He chose to lie to me.

I always cringe a little when I see any woman saying "No way,my husband would never be with a man,he's 100% straight." I always think..I get it..but did you think he would cheat? No? Then there you go. The man looking for man section in my local craigslist is the most active far..100's of new ads every day..and many,many,many of them are married men. They even take pics of themselves in the bathroom,wife's makeup and hair stuff in full view. It's disgusting.

Anyway..sorry..I know this is a bit of a thread jack..but I had to say something..

Im not saying he is gay or bi..and honestly,I hadn't picked up on that..he sounds to me like a stereotypical muscle-head who is so in love with himself he has no room for anyone else.

You deserve better.

[This message edited by confused615 at 7:15 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the one downfall of SI - and don't get me wrong, this is a great & helpful place! - is that unfortunately no one here knows me, or my WH, or our relationship history.

True. We know what you tell us and you have revealed enough to know that you/he & the relationship have some pretty serious issues.

You are not alone in this. Many of us come here with individual and marriage issues that are severe. I minimized. So did many others. It didn't help much.

Only you can decide how you deal with your marriage.

I don't think that rationalization is a particularly good method in healing...

Is he perfect? No. Am I? Nope.

Nope Nobody's perfect.
You want to compare your behavior to his and thus let it all wash out. Bullshit. apples to sand crabs. He abuses you. You accept it and defend him. That is a problem.

But we are 200x better than last year, and 100x better than Feb.

It is difficult to quantify change. I came here at 6 months and thought we were fixed. Because he stayed. Because things were better than the shitstorm it was before. That didn't make it good.

It took awhile for me to understand that setting, and defending boundaries were more important that keeping the marriage. I deserved a safe place to heal. Letting go of the control of what I wanted so badly was the most freeing thing I have done in this process.

I am all for baby steps. Change does take time. But I find it concerning that you do not have one of the first steps under your belt at this stage. Transparency.

No transparency. You live with a liar who is not open to building trust by letting you verify anything he does or says. And you are going to 'open' this relationship...

You do not have a basic tenet of open relationships. Honesty. Talk about throwing oil on a flame.

You deserve better. You accept less for 'love'. I think you have to spend some time figuring out why you give that gift to someone who seems uninterested in giving much, let alone 'love' in return. Just because he says it doesn't mean that her performs the action.

You accept less. Why?

I wish you well on your journey. Once you open your eyes to codependence, I think you may view your relationship very differently.

[This message edited by redrock at 11:26 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
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