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User Topic: I think I made a 180 mistake
♀ Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs~ Remember 180 is for you.
It is designed to allow you to move forward and not as a means to get get WS to act/react in any particular way. If it works in that direction, it is just icing on the cake.
Sounds like you did nothing to hinder your progress even if it wasn't a great night for you. 180 is such a fluid process.
Please do not let this "mistake" change what you are doing.
It is so freaking hard anyway you look at it. Please remember what you have been through and go easy on yourself. It is maddening to always question if you handled something correcly, if you could go back and redo your wording of this or that.
Just keep going forward. You sound like you are doing great : )

Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like your H has extremely low self-esteem and a strong belief that life, for him, requires him to be a KISA for everyone but you and your family. If I said the things he says, I'd be depressed enough to start ADs - if that applies to your H, too, he needs to see his MD.

Also, you sound pretty strong and independent now, and the primary use of the 180 is to build your strength and knowledge that you can live independent of your WS.

So I think some adjustments may be in order - namely, to ID your requirements for R, lay them out with your H, and act in accord with his response. If he's willing to make changes, you'll probably want to work on he M. If he commits to R and does the necessary work over a period of several months, you can then commit yourself to R. OTOH, if he won't commit to or deliver the changes you need, then your best bet will probably be D.

It might be helpful to do a few MC sessions to have a neutral observer help you and your H negotiate the changes he's going to commit to.

I understand he doesn't want IC, but I don't see how he'll make the necessary changes without it. For a lot of BSes, IC for the WS is a requirement for R. (My W was in IC on D-Day, so for me, my requirement was 'continuing IC with the goal of changing the thoughts and feelings that allowed the A'.)

You don't have to commit to R or D now. It makes perfect sense to watch and wait and move closer to your H if he moves closer to you - that is, you can watch, wait, and work on your M until you know which way you really want to go.

I'm biased toward R, so I perhaps see you as desiring R when you don't. Consider my thoughts about getting to R. If you find yourself thinking 'Ugh!' more strongly with each step, well, that's a pretty good indicator of where you want to end up....

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:42 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you need to stop being his caretaker and start making your own plans for life; he can come along or get off. Life with an unrepentant, unremorseful spouse is the same as living with an actively cheating spouse.

^^^very powerful statement^^^

I cannot imagine how you felt just one month ago you said??? That he was still stalking and waiting outside of her work for a whole day???

He did this just recently, not a year ago. He won't give you transparency? He won't get help....he is just there. Basically sucking all the life out of you.

And you are worried that you are not being fair???

[This message edited by realitybites at 12:59 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So. After a really horrible day at work with people yelling & cussing at me, after a gun giving me the all clear on some health concerns, I come home and ask if he wanted to talk more. He says no. So I am just going to lock myself in my room, have a good cry grieving my marriage & get back to work on school work & finding a new place to live. Thanks all!

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is gyn not gun. Stupid autocorrect.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So after him telling me last night that there was no point in talking anymore, he's done, he'll be the "bad guy", its all his fault, without even hearing what I wanted to say about trying to discuss whether we should R or D...this morning he gets up and tries to act like nothing is wrong.

I didn't sleep, my neck aches, my head aches, I'm sick to my stomach and he's all like "hey, I'm going to get these dishes done so we can head to (nearby city)".

I'm kinda confused, asking why, he says "car shopping, walking around".

Yeah, um no. WTF how stupid can you be. Am I allowed to ask him how f'ing stupid he is????

I am spending the day finishing work for a summer class and looking for apartments.

I just don't understand how he thinks this is going to keep going forever.

I'm going to have to give him D papers to make him understand I'm not continuing in limbo. Its fix it or forget it.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 26
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