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User Topic: Zero self esteem
brokendude
♂ New Member
Member # 39754
Sad  Posted: 12:45 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi.

WS (my (soon to be ex) wife -- do I call her WW?) and I met in 2001, started dating in 2002. We had an intense mutual love, both after dating for years and being unsatisfied with the people we were meeting, so that we always had a "I'm so lucky to have found you" thing together. The first time we kissed, we talked about how we could already see ourselves growing old together. The first time we kissed, we stood in the street kissing for literally two hours. We were inseperable and each other's best friends. We got married in a large ceremony with friends and family in 2006 and brought most of the people at the ceremony to tears with our vows we had written for each other. At the time I was 31 and she was 27. Less than a year after marrying I began to notice how she never really initiated affection with me. I began to realize it had always been the case a bit, although I was happy to be the one initiating affection. But what brought it to my attention finally was that she had stopped accepting my affection. I would come up behind her, sweetly, and try to put my arms around her, or kiss her neck, which I assume most women would like, and she would shove my arms away. Other times I would try to kiss her and she would suddenly need to "use the bathroom". When we did kiss, I could feel her counting the kisses, like "kiss kiss kiss done." I confronted her on our first anniversary about this. I was so upset, I broke down a bit. She accepted what I was saying, but couldn't offer any explanation. Didn't really apologize. This continued on. And on. We had a son in 2008. He's autistic, but very high functioning (most people can't tell that he's autistic). But the first several years of his life were massively stressful. At the time, I had a telecommute job, so I was always at home and able to help out with him. I was/am highly present as a father. There was massive sleep deprivation for both of us as he woke up (with NO exaggeration) about 8 times a night, every night, for probably 2-3 years. We would take turns putting him back down. Just being in survival mode with him kind of put anything else out of my mind during that time. Once he was about 3 or so and he started to just be easier, I was reminded of my feelings of being neglected. She still did not initiate affection. She would go weeks without asking me how my day was. Didn't know the name of what I worked on at work or my boss's name for example. I always asked her about her day and helped her with her many interests + various activist causes. I make very good money (while keeping a ~45 hour workweek) enabling her to be a stay at home mom while still allowing us to live with niceties and a house that she loved. The feelings of just being a platonic roommate (where I pay 100% of the rent) really began to overwhelm me, and any time we had any kind of squabble (e.g. "you forgot to do X"), it just poured jet fuel on things, e.g. they becamse "you forgot to do X because you are selfish and don't love me and you're a horrible person" (in my head). As I became more critical of her neglect (which she could still offer no explanation for, years later, after years of therapy, etc), obviously the marriage began to hit its bumpy patch. I picked up her ipad one day and the search history contained "divorce vs. separation". I confronted her and she said she just wanted to understand her options. We went to counselling and it was horrible because the counsellor basically took my side and I would often have to remind him to listen to what my wife was saying, or have to reiterate HER point of view to him while I was talking. She would leave so many sessions crying. Counseling made things worse because he insisted on continuing to "explore the root of the problem", e.g. dredging up the past and all the pain, instead of helping us move forward. Counseling became me just sayig "WW neglects me, uses me, etc.", WW saying "he is mean to me", me saying "I am mean to you because you have been using me for years and I can't take it anymore." It was just the same fights we had at home except we paid someone to watch them now. At this point, I decide that I am too far into the hole of anger to ever get out, so I was going to take an approach of forgiving my wife, restoring my behavior to unconditional love, and hope that would make her feel safe to love me the way I wanted to be loved again. It was hard because I had to bite my tongue about everything. Never get mad, never let her neglect make other problems worse. Grin and bear it and just count the weeks going by in my head where she doesn't ask me about my day, hug me, or even come out to greet me when I get home from work. Obviously that was hard to do, but I tried to limited success. We took a trip to Europe where we had a big fight (I was super sick but our first night there she left me in the apartment with DS and went out gallavanting around for 3 hours, even though I had asked her to help me so I could recuperate and enjoy the vacation). A month after we got back I went to use her iPad for something and when the screen turned on it was right inside her email which was at a single glance obviously setting up a consultation with a divorce attorney. I confronted her again and she said that she hadn't done anything yet and was just thinking about it. In January 2013, I went on a business trip. When I was coming back from the trip, she texted me twice asking her to text her when I landed. She never wished me a safe flight, said I love you, anything. We landed 30 minutes early and I ignored her request. I cabbed home and thought to myself "I'm going to feel like the biggest asshole when I get home and she is in bed watching TV". I get home and see a car I'd never seen before in front of our house. I think "it must just be a girlfriend". Go inside, no lights on upstairs. Go down to the basement, the guest bedroom door is closed with a dim light coming out from under it. My entire chest sinks into my gut. My heart starts to pound. I open the door. She is "alseep" on one side of the bed with music playing, a soft light on, a pile of clothes on the floor. I shake her and ask her why she's sleeping downstairs. She murmurs that she doesn't feel good. I look over and see that the downstairs bathroom door is closed with a light on under it. I stand there and wait. And wait. Finally it opens and our "friend" OP sheepishly walks out fully dressed including his jacket. I play dumb "Hey OP, what's wrong with WW?" "She doesn't feel good." "Oh, why is that OP?" "You should talk to her about it." "Maybe YOU should get the F*** out of my house, OP." I'm feeling nothing at this point and only thinking of my son, realizing that this means I'm going to be a 50% dad. My heart is breaking. I have the presence of mind to take out my phone. I tell OP to stand next to the bed so I can take a picture in case it will help me keep my son. He obliges probably out of shock. I berate him for another 5 minutes or so, we go upstairs, I hand him back the flowers I see that he's brought over, we stand on the doorstep where I berate him further, and ask him how long it's been going on. "A few months" he says. Like when a child eats half a jar of cookies and gets caught, they say they only ate one or two, right? I go downstairs, turn the lights on, my wife groans "stop it", I say "Wake up, we're getting divorced." Turn the lights off, slam the door shut, go upstairs, lay down on the floor in my son's room (they were doing this DIRECTLY under his bedroom), and try to sleep, but of course I can't. The next morning we don't talk. I take my son to breakfast. We come home, she takes him to a birthday party. As she's leaving I walk around the house and see that much of her stuff is gone. I realize what's happening. I call her and tell her to bring him home and she needs time and we'll talk after the party. Needless to say she does not come home that night. The next she sends me an email obviously written by her laywer saying "I value your time with our son, but I have to consult with my attorney before I can bring him back" etc. I forget how long, maybe a week goes by, I lawyer up obviously, eventually I start seeing my son again.

Flash forward 5-6 months to now. Still going through the divorce. I have my son 50% of the time. Managed to cool down to tolerate being around WW enough so that we could jointly attend his school functions, first dental exame, his birthday party, etc. I've lost ~25 pounds and am in the best shape of my life, work out, run, or climb every day. Work is hard due to constant distractions of being a single dad and ongoing divorce proceedings etc, but I press head.

The ending of my marriage was a lot like the movie The Sixth Sense. Surprise ending, you go back and reconsider everything, and now so many things take on a new interpretation. About 3 months after we got married, we moved out of state. The night before we left, WW and OP (who as I mentioned were long time friends) hung out (which was uncommon but not rare). She stayed out till 3am (extremely rare) and didn't text or call me at all to let me know she would be home late (also not like her at all). She had no explanation when she got home - I was ONLY concerned for her safety, I trusted her 110% at the time. Did she cheat on me then? Was it maybe the first time? Did it leave her with guilt or something else that poisoned the marriage? Maybe like 6 months before I walked in on her, our son told me that OP had been over at the house and they were playing "body slams", a game ONLY I play with my son and it's played on the bed. I thought: W.T.F.? I asked WW what she did that day and she made no mention of OP coming over. I asked her if that's all she did and she said yes. I said DS said OP was over and playing body slams. She said she had no idea why he would say that. I forget how the rest went but eventually she admitted OP had been over but that she just didn't think it was a big deal to mention. I told her that her dishonesty made me super uncomfortable and asked her how she would feel if the roles were reversed. She becamse super sympathetic and told me she was sorry for hurting me. In retrospect of course it was such an overblown apology UNLESS something untoward had been happening. If you weren't guilty, wouldn't you be indignant about being accused of cheating?

Why am I here?

I've always had pretty low self esteem, and this whole episode has just utterly snapped my neck. I feel totally undesirable as a human being (5 years of no affection, 1.5 years of no sex, and then walking in on cheating... is a lot) esp. in the view of women. All my friends and family reassure me, and I kind of know that I have a lot of things to feel self-worth about, like I know it in my head, but in my body/heart/gut, it's just f***ing destroyed. I was at dinner last week with a friend and a table of four women sat next to us. I knew they were making eyes and he was excitedly telling me "DUDE they keep looking over at us let's talk to them." I became gripped with massive anxiety... thinking "I'm ugly, I have gray hair, I have the wrong clothes, I'm bad in bed, I'm a single dad, I'm boring, I have nothing interesting to say". I was literally paralyzed and I told him to not talk to them under any circumstances because I couldn't handle it.

Needless to say I'm in therapy. Not very good therapy I suppose.

I don't think I'm depressed. I stay very busy as I said with a lot of energy putting into being a dad, work, exercising, and occasionally relaxing. But I just feel utterly 100% broken and worthless as a man with anything to offer a woman.

I'm in this weird state of mind right now where I say to myself "I'm gonna get to the next level at work, and get rich, and I'm gonna work out at the gym and just get ripped, and I'm gonna be the best dad ... AND ... I'm never putting myself out there with a woman ever again, I'm gonna make myself a catch, and not let anyone know it or share it and just die that way" I know it's a screwed up attitude. But after all this, it's like all I can do to try to cut off my nose to spite my face and spite the universe in general. I don't want to be this way, but it's like the only way to have power over the horrible feelings that no one is ever going to want me.

Just broken and no idea how to put the pieces back together.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Seattle
housenotahome
♀ Member
Member # 32423
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello BD. Sorry you had to come here, but welcome. Your self-esteem has taken a beating but in spite of that you work out, focus on being a dad, and putting your life back together. That's not easy. That takes strength and believe it or not, self-esteem. It sounds like it was her guilt that may have poisoned your M, but also her lack of self-esteem. As far as IC and MC goes, they dig into our past issues because it is believed to be the key as to how we deal with present issues. Cheating, conflict avoiding, and running away are poor coping mechanisms that can be attached to the past.
But I just feel utterly 100% broken and worthless as a man with anything to offer a woman.
You don't need to worry about this or this
I'm in this weird state of mind right now where I say to myself "I'm gonna get to the next level at work, and get rich, and I'm gonna work out at the gym and just get ripped, and I'm gonna be the best dad ... AND ... I'm never putting myself out there with a woman ever again, I'm gonna make myself a catch, and not let anyone know it or share it and just die that way" I know it's a screwed up attitude. But after all this, it's like all I can do to try to cut off my nose to spite my face and spite the universe in general. I don't want to be this way, but it's like the only way to have power over the horrible feelings that no one is ever going to want me.
right now. Try to concentrate on your healing. I know as a BS, we question our worth instead of the other way around. We are priceless. Don't blame yourself for someone else's poor choices. If someone cheats and leaves its never because their BS couldn't cut it, its because the WS couldn't cut it. It doesn't make it hurt any less but its the truth. May I suggest the book "First Aid for the Betrayed". It helped me.


Me BS
Him WS
Married 10 years together 14
DDay Mar.2011
Mistake-Going through a stop sign because you didn't see it.
Poor choice-You saw the stop sign and went through it anyway.

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
Rainbows
♀ Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it feels like you have a lot swimming in your head right now, but you have more clarity and strength than you realize. It's good you're giving yourself a break because As are very damaging to BS. It must have been especially traumatic to walk in on that event.

My self-esteem took a real beating over the course of my M due to lack of affection/intimacy. For a long time I felt as though my WH wasn't attracted to me. Lack of interest, attention and sex from the man I loved and married devastated me.

Since filing for D, I've noticed that attention and interest here and there gives me little self esteem boosts. By giving myself time and removing the constant rejection from WH, I've started to reframe how I see myself. Overall, every day I feel a little better about me than the day before.

Sounds like you're heading in the right direction. Even though it's a cliche, time really does help heal wounds.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 388 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've always had pretty low self esteem, and this whole episode has just utterly snapped my neck. I feel totally undesirable as a human being

Completely understandable, but remember this:

We had an intense mutual love, both after dating for years and being unsatisfied with the people we were meeting, so that we always had a "I'm so lucky to have found you" thing together. The first time we kissed, we talked about how we could already see ourselves growing old together. The first time we kissed, we stood in the street kissing for literally two hours.

You were pretty desirable to her then, right?

Some people just can't deal with commitment. Maybe it's because of FOO issues, maybe it's mental illness, or maybe it's a need for external validation that can no longer be found in a long-term relationship. Some people are just broken. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

I don't know if your WW is still with the OM, but I guaranty you that before she is through with him, he'll be one more guy with self esteem issues unless she begins to make tremendous growth as an honest, authentic human being.

Come to think of it, the OM is probably no better than she is since he apparently has no problem sleeping with a married woman. Sounds like they deserve each other and all the misery that entails. I'm sorry your son is mixed-up in this, but this is an opportunity for you to focus tremendous energy in being a great father for him.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome. You will find many here in the same or very similar shoes.
While my path is different from yours I can tell you that as a betrayed spouse my self esteem took one hell of a beating. I was told for many months how I wa a horrible mother, housekeeper, wife, anything I did was bad or wrong. I can only imagine having that for years from your spouse.

I would suggest that you continue to focus on your son, and yourself. Learn to be happy with who you are. Obviously any woman that is able to capture your attentions will be lucky. But don't feel the pressure to get involved, date, or find another woman. Divorce is like dealing with death. You are dealing with the same stages of grief that you would when a loved one dies. Allow yourself to grieve the death of your marriage. If your friends and family are pushing you tell them to back off and you will let them know if and when you are ready to get back in the dating game.

It's ok to not have a girlfriend, wife, or partner. Find your new happy first. You will. Then the rest will come.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7791 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please check out the Betrayed Men thread in the I Can Relate forum. I think you will find a lot of support there.

And remember, your STBXWW's shabby treatment of you does not say a thing about you and your desirability. It says a lot about her. It will take time for you to believe that, but it is a fact.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Nov 2010
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely understand your feelings of inadequacy. We all feel it. We shouldn't, but, sadly, we do.

I can tell you this much. Just based on what you have written here, I can tell you these things about yourself.

You are, and have been a dedicated, caring and loving, husband and father.

You are very intelligent, and an eloquent writer.

You have a strong moral character.

You have a cool, sharp, quick wit.

You are a hard worker and more than adequate provider.

You are kind.

You are fair.

You, my dear, are what women want. Don't for a second put yourself down.

You will come out of this stronger and happier than ever.

Stay strong sweetie. You will be just fine.

Peace,
PPGA


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
just friends?
♂ New Member
Member # 35057
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

Posts: 23 | Registered: Mar 2012
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry BD, you didn't deserve such bad treatment. Sounds like there may have been a third person in your marriage for quite a while. How awful she didn't respect you enough to tell you so you could also have been with someone else. Could have put all your energies and all the wonderful qualities you possess into a real marriage. She sounds very selfish and self-centered.
I am happy for you that you are focusing on yourself. Please be open to someone else in your life. I know you are afraid of being hurt. But there are plenty of good people in this world and you deserve to find one. So start looking already, or just be open to her finding you. Don't deny some great girl the chance of finding you.

Hugs to you.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 481 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome to the best club no one ever wanted to join. I'm sorry you had the need to find us, but I'm glad you're here.

you've got some great advice so far, but I need to ask the obvious questions. given the time frame you have stated how sure are you of paternity of your dear son. I realize that is a very difficult question to ask, but given your ex wife's odd behavior it is one you need to ask.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2541 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Sad  Posted: 7:51 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate that life is so unfair to us in regards to self esteem..
As others have said and I agree from reading your story,

You are honest

You have integrity

You are affectionate without being clingy or needy

You are an excellent provider

You are in decent shape physically and your reactions to this shit storm are the reactions of any normal healthy human...

Be kind to yourself, don't get pressured into being who your friends want you to be at your expense..You don't have to date until you are good and ready..

It is funny how we BS bash ourselves in regards to our self esteem even though we haven't done anything wrong in the way of cheating to break up the marriage..

My WS is a fat lying lazy scumbag, but he thinks he is God's gift to all the married women of the world who want to NSA..
He thinks he is all that plus a bag of chips, while my self esteem is down in a sewer somewhere..

I agree that it is a necessity to establish the paternity of your S ..This knowledge can make it easier to predict or figure out any medical issues with S that could be hereditary..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:58 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
brokendude
♂ New Member
Member # 39754
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Thank you everyone for your support. It means so much to me. It's so nice to find a group of people that just get it. Everyone is sympathetic to me, obviously, but to find people that know what it feels like, and specifically the weird sort of victim shame you experience, just makes me feel so much less lonely.

@housenotahome -- I read the preview of "First Aid for the Betrayed" and it looks like it will make for great bibliotherapy. Thank you for the recommendation! I'm going to pick it up.

@Rainbows -- I'm still trying to figure out whether walking in on it was traumatic. I felt nothing. I didn't cry. I almost didn't even really get mad. I was just numb. I never cried about losing my WW, because I had already lost her, slowly, over the last 5-6 years. When I walked in on them, I was really walking in on freedom and cessation, in a way.

@Sal1995 -- Not sure what FOO means, but if it has to do with family, then yes. I actually thought I ensured that she had a great relationship with her family because previous girlfriends I saw how strained family relationships would manifest badly in our relationship. Turns out that she has a very screwed up relationship with her mom (criticizing, controlling) that I did not realize for years, probably not until after we were married. WW cannot take any criticism, avoids conflict, but by being unable to assert herself, winds up feeling controlled and resentful. It's a pattern that I've seen play out with her family, multiple employers, past boyfriends, and finally with me.

@tushnurse -- No one is pressuring me to find anyone. And I'm definitely not looking for a relationship. But I miss intimacy. I haven't had it in years (and years). It just feels like human nature to want it. It's kind of a vicious cycle. Don't have intimacy because I feel bad about myself, since i don't have intimacy I feel worse about myself, and continue to not have intimacy. I think a big thing that I can't figure out is -- can I use dating as an extrinsic 'bootstrap' to my self esteem? Everyone always talks about finding self love from within, but I've never really understood what that means. If I'm in good shape and like my body, that's still NOT intrinsic. I like my body because I know someone else would find it attractive, so it's contingent upon acceptance by someone else.

@cdnmommy -- Thank you for reinforcing this. I don't believe it right now but you're right that I hope I can come to believe it one day.

@painpaingoaway -- Thank you so so so much for the kind words and affirming me. I needed that even if from a stranger on a message board. Thank you. <3

@mainlyinpain -- I know, I don't understand why she didn't just tell me. We had multiple conversations about this over the course of our relationship "I would never cheat, I would just end it" etc. I can't imagine having the temerity to cheat. But I can imagine the awful feeling of being trapped in a lie after that. We watched Mad Men on Netflix the final months in our relationship, and I remember her stomach gurgling every time Don was cheating. SERIOUSLY! I'd ask her what was wrong with her stomach, and she would say "Nothing..." Looking back, I'm laughing about how awesomely uncomfortable she must have felt! Also, I know I want to let someone in, I know that what I'm doing in my head is a bad defense mechanism right now, I just hope I can find my way out of the mindset.

@5454real -- yep, the little man is mine through and through. He looks exactly like me to the point of strangers commenting on it all the time! :) Love him so much. He was conceived and born out of state from where OP lives. And given that we only had to do it twice before we got pregnant, and he was born 9 months later, well, anyway, yeah, he's mine :)

@doggiediva -- Thank you thank you thank you again for these affirmations. I wish I could feel them about myself but for now I need to hear them from other people. And it is crazy how I'm the one who feels so low and lousy. Now I understand how abuse victims come to blame themselves. It's the only way to make sense of what has happened to you!

-------------------

So................ one thing I didn't talk about in my original post, and this is going to sound insane, is that my WW came to me one day in tears 2-2.5 years ago, saying she'd been doing lots of research about circumcision (I'm cut, like most dudes born in the 70's in the US), and how important the foreskin is for sex, etc. She begged me to RESTORE MY FORESKIN. Thinking I had nothing to lose, I obliged to try. (PS: OP is uncut.) Another one of those things after the fact where it didn't strike me as odd at the time that she would be crying about it. Now I see that she was very likely crying out of guilt. You know and we did grow back maybe 1cm of foreskin, or I should say we stretched the existing foreskin by maybe 1cm. Our sex life frequency picked up then, and she would go wild in bed. Which is ridiculous for two reasons: 1cm of extra foreskin goes away during an erection, and WE WERE USING CONDOMS. Folks, WTF...

[This message edited by brokendude at 12:49 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Seattle
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Sal1995 -- Not sure what FOO means, but if it has to do with family, then yes.

Brokendude, FOO means "family of origin."


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow she's 7 kinds of messed up. Regrow foreskin?!?
Try not to over think how you feel about yourself. Trust that you are a good guy. You are healthy. You are taking good care of you. You will give the next person that fits the bill honesty love and be a fantastic partner. Respect yourself. Then you will get the love confidence and respect you deserve.

Hang in there.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7791 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So................ one thing I didn't talk about in my original post, and this is going to sound insane, is that my WW came to me one day in tears 2-2.5 years ago, saying she'd been doing lots of research about circumcision (I'm cut, like most dudes born in the 70's in the US), and how important the foreskin is for sex, etc. She begged me to RESTORE MY FORESKIN. Thinking I had nothing to lose, I obliged to try. (PS: OP is uncut.) Another one of those things after the fact where it didn't strike me as odd at the time that she would be crying about it. Now I see that ********she was very likely crying out of guilt. You know and we did grow back maybe 1cm of foreskin, or I should say we stretched the existing foreskin by maybe 1cm. Our sex life frequency picked up then, and she would go wild in bed. Which is ridiculous for two reasons: 1cm of extra foreskin goes away during an erection, and WE WERE USING CONDOMS. Folks, WTF... *******


I apologize for being so blunt! A good deal of sexual excitement is mental ie the brain is the main sex organ..

I am willing to bet that your WW got off on the fact that she was able to manipulate you into doing what she wanted...Not always a bad thing...
What I don't see on the part of your WW is a good balance of give and take over time along with honesty/respect for you as her partner....


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like you mentioned,I am not sure of what intrinsic self love means either..

Maybe it means that somebody has enough self confidence to let put downs from other people go in one ear and out the other.

To me self love means that I am going to give myself permission to take care of myself and make my well being a higher priority..Once I D ,it is HIGHLY unlikely that I will EVER want to be married again.With that said,I still need people in my life and intimacy. It helps my self esteem to know that my presence and deeds made another persons day/life brighter!

I agree with you about body image being extrinsic...Whether or not somebody finds me attractive will depend on their culture and personal tastes..Some people like little blue pygmies or smurfs,lol. Nothing I do can make me fit that image

I don't think there is any way one can survive infidelity without taking a blow to his or her self esteem.


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
Brokenhearted49
♀ New Member
Member # 39243
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart goes out to you and please try not to beat yourself up. it's almost impossible for any of us to not feel badly about ourselves, in our situation. our significant others premeditatedly chose some one else instead of us in the most intimate, vulnerable way possible...our sexuality. However, most times I think it is actually the WS that has the self-esteem issue. if your W wasn't happy, she had plenty of time and opportunity to communicate that and maybe do something about it. It sounds like you are a very caring person and a good father. maybe if you concentrate on the positive things in your life, your son, your job and your new healthy, I shape self, you can slowly build back your confidence. You should never be ashamed of taking risks for love, they are risks worth taking, but they can really hurt when it doesn't work out.

it sounds like your relationship was in trouble very early on. If you can try to identify whto you started to realize the lack of intimacy as not being normal, it might help,prepare yourself for when you're ready to get involved with someone again. Call me an optimist, but if you keep a good thought and do what's right for you, you will find the right someone for you. You will look back on this time of your life as a very unhappy, but necessary step on the path to a better, more fulfilling life. Just take your time and do things on your terms, no one else's.

you already are "a catch", just wasted on the wrong person! Keep the faith and keep posting. It really helps. good luck. sending you positive thoughts and energy.


Me: 50
Him: 57
Together 26 yrs, married 23 yrs
2 stepsons ( which I've helped raise) 29 & 28 and our son , 21 and daughter 19
OW was daughters Godmother and my Best Friend and has NPD (severe case)
DDay: 5/7/13
Reconciling

Posts: 27 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Medway, MA
Duffy1958
♀ Member
Member # 39755
Angry  Posted: 5:49 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think loving yourself or self confidence/self esteem can come from the outside in any form. We might feel a boost at a compliment but we can't change how we feel about ourselves. How we look on the outside can make us feel better about ourselves or not. But it's your heart. What is in your heart? You can't even compare your attributes to the ex-hers weren't so good. You have a new reality & are making wise choices. Sounds like you have a history of wise choices. That wouldn't be attractive?

In the end, my values are not yours. Why do you feel like you fall short in your values? That's your self esteem.

You don't sound like you are in a hurry, very wise. It's a new life you are adjusting to. You sound like a high achiever, are you being too hard on yourself?

I think it's OK if you breath a sigh of relief & start considering what you would like in a future partner.

There is a huge new future for you & your son. You have honesty & integrity to offer yes? You will get there. It's a process & everyone has their own clock. I think all of your questions are right on. Any sane person would ask themselves questions about themselves. I call it "checking in"

I have tried to be a good partner, sometimes a better one, than other times but it goes both ways. I am in the pissed off stage still. I have faith in you! And the rest of us!


Me-SAHW soon 55
Him-asshat age 60
Married 3.5 years together 13.5
Step-children 8 altogether Grandchildren.
Cheaters are the same yesterday, today & forever. They may have different caveats but they lie the same & pull the same shit.

Where i


Posts: 114 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 18

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