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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Question
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I framed my text to him as "Teslet was wondering how much longer you were going to be." I wish that cowardly piece of shit would call his son up and explain to him why daddy wasn't where he was supposed to be...but as always, that is left to me.

Next time, dial and hand Teslet the phone, so daddy can tell him himself that he's a screw up. I know you want to protect him, but you shouldn't be the one to deliver bad news that is daddy's fault.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5475 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah jeez, this poor kid.

I'm putting him to bed and I've got family over, so I've had Teslet sleeping in his play room. But up until just after the time ex-shat left, it was his bedroom. There has also been a lot of changes this last week as I had family over to push forward several home improvement projects (background, when ex-shat left, he left a shit-ton of half-assed projects. The house was seriously fucked up. But I've been steadily changing and improving it...it's very close to being done!)
Anyway, I'm putting Teslet to bed and he says, "Mom, can you stop changing the house?" I ask him why. He says, "I want it to be like the way it was." I ask him how he would like it and he starts describing the house as it was when ex-shat lived here. As far as I know, he has no tangible memory of ex-shat living here with us.
I asked him who he wanted to live in our house. He said just me and him. But then he started crying and pleading for me to put the house back the way it was. God, it just ripped my heart out because I couldn't tell him that I would change it all back. The house was broken before and we have to fix it. I promised him when it was all done being fixed that there would be no more changes to the house.

Someone please tell me this is just because he is tired and disappointed about his dad today. That he's overstimulated from all the family members I've had over this past week. His little brain can't possibly be using this as a metaphor for wanting his dad back with us, can it? Maybe I need to talk to his therapist about this.

[This message edited by tesla at 11:01 PM, July 5th (Friday)]


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4618 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
confused girl
♀ Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, I think teslet misses you. He was on vacation to Florida, then he came home and there has been a lot of company. He just misses his mom.

He is tired and yes, disappointed. And overstimulated. Tomorrow will be a better day and Sunday, when the two of you can just snuggle, it will be great.


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: May 2006
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It could be that there's a lot of people around and he just wants it to be you and him. I could be a deeper meaning as in the 'time before' you started fixing the house.

Kids connect dots in different ways to us. They try to work out the world around them and sometimes get it wrong - things changed when the house started changing IYKWIM? I'd maybe ask him to expand on what he means next time.

Believe me I do know how hard it is when they say these things. My 5 year old told me she wished we were together recently. I don't think she wishes we were together, she just wishes she didn't have to have two houses. Both are hard spots for her to be in.

All we can do is let them voice their feelings and reassure them - all the while dealing with our own feelings about these issues.

What a fuckstick, seriously. At least have the decency to give his son an explanation. Can you imagine making this mistake and NOT talking to Teslet about it? I'm concerned that ex-shat's story will differ to yours - thereby further confusing Teslet.

((Tesla and Teslet))


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5547 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have time for a super special Mommy-and-Teslet breakfast out this morning?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13732 | Registered: Jul 2011
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the perspectives confusedgirl and SBB. Between his trip, ex-shat fucking up weekends, and what I've been doing at the house, plus being slightly consumed with online coursework...yeah, he and I just need to get some quality awesome time in.

And I know just what he would love to do


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4618 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you've got a plan, tesla.

One more thought about the house changing - has he been involved in any of the changes? Is there a way to include him? If he wanted the playroom to be his room again, would that be doable?

Maybe giving him some input and ownership of the changes, no matter how small, would help him?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25258 | Registered: Aug 2011
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((teslet)))

Posts: 35063 | Registered: Mar 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tesla,

I love watching you navigate this whole process. Not that I love the struggle or the hurt, but you are so thoughtful and careful. Somehow your spirit and character always shine.

I hope you have a great time reconnecting.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5804 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What caregiver said. You're an amazing mom, tesla. Sadly, teslet will eventually learn that his dad is a boob, but he will always know that you're his rock - and a hell of a fun one at that!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1886 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, thanks pass and caregiver. I hate watching my kid go through this shit and I just don't have anywhere to turn in real life for this crap. It just sucks.

Today, ex-shat's step-mom stopped by to see Teslet and visit. We don't talk about ex-shat but something was bothering her and she said that ex-shat is telling his dad that I'm poisoning Teslet against ex-shat. Yeah. Classic - straight from the unremorseful cheaters' handbook. But ya know what...didn't even fucking ruffle a feather because I've seen so many of us on here relate similar stories. FTG. The only thing that is poisoning his relationship with his son is his fucked up self.

Anywho...we did some quality simple things today. And I could see the joy and happiness and peace on that child's face.

nik, I think you have a point. He doesn't need to move out of his old room...he can keep using it if he wants...and maybe we need to go looking for some cool boy room stuff. I've been so occupied with just getting the house livable (seriously, you would not believe the shit hole that guy left us in) that I haven't thought about things like that.

[This message edited by tesla at 8:43 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4618 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 31
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