I Love you, you know. You're the most fabulous, engaging and comforting person I've ever met. I adore you and think sweet things about you nearly constantly. I'm absolutely raging at myself for what I've done, both to you and to myself. I really really adore you, and appreciate our life together. I don't want this to be ruined.
I'm very busy at work so can't turn this into a proper conversation, sorry. But remember, I Love you xxx
He says things like this all the time, he tells me he loves me as soon as I wake up in the morning. He wakes me up for work when he gets back with a coffee and lies next to me and tells me he loves me; I'm barely awake but it's the first thing I hear every day.
And I do love him, too, but it just feels so much less. He is trying so hard. I need to let myself soften a bit and not be so hardened. To let us be, sometimes. It'll take time, but at least he is trying to show me what I mean to him (and he is showing- NC, total transparency, I have his Facebook permanently logged into my phone, going to MC with me and really putting in the work there, listening to me, letting me talk, being lovely in general).
But I'm so scared of softening. I'm so scared my strong feelings are gone forever. I'm so scared of being hurt again. I'm struggling to get over my feelings of humiliation. He says it's him who should be ashamed, is ashamed, that it's not me and I did nothing wrong, and when I tell him I feel so weak, he tells me I am strong. And I know that in a lot of ways but it's hard to accept. And I know him, and I know his reaction is to run from a problem, so him being here and going through this, when he can see how much pain I am in, and caused it, is a big thing. He says we're brilliant together when things are good. I know we are- we must have been, we got married- but why can't I remember? Why can all I think about is that we must not have been as good as we thought? That maybe I have been wrong? Is this normal?
Anyway, just me bibbling. He is lovely, really. A lovely, flawed person.