I just feel that if the roles would have been reversed that I would have been treated horribly, that he wouldn't have even wanted to listen to what I had to say. These set backs in our R are difficult and hard to deal with. I just feel like he would be such a hypocrite in my place.
Idk if he was joking or not. I suspect not.
He's also explicitly forbidden me from talking to any of his male friends or friending them on Facebook, so there's that. His excuse: "I don't go friending any of their wives, so why should they be chatting with mine?"
God, his logic is twisted. Anyway, there's the answer.
(Sorry for the black humor; I'm in that kind of mood... )
I think in my case he always had a bit of a victim/savior complex and he would have sickly enjoyed knowing he had one up on me. He tolerated a close friendship I had with an ex and threw that in my face after DDay ("I never knew what was really happening there"). It allowed him to maintain a certain emotional seperation, I guess, which fits his PA.
He tried to control it, but you could tell during our extended break up that it killed him that I got to be a victim in the eyes of our friends, family, colleagues. He didn't complain outwardly about that and seemed to own it passively, but I think he spites me for it.
Also, for the record, oddly, when he told me about the A he said he expected me to walk away and never talk to him again. When I offered R he was accepting at first, but not very grateful or enthusiastic. I think his subsequent cruelty and lashing out was his way of *making* me do the thing he truly wanted. He drove me away. So maybe he really would have left me if the shoe was on the other foot.
Thank god he didn't find the mans house. This is while he was still seeing MOW.
I still shake my head at that crazy time in my life.
I took it with a grain of salt. I was certain I would divorce my H if he ever cheated, and yet I didn't. When push came to shove, it was a different story. So I believe that our WS's can say whatever they want, but they don't truly know how they will react unless/until it happens to them, just like many of the BS's don't really know until it happens to them.
So if I'd cheated, there would have been satisfaction to be found.
He never really had any emotional connection to me---not in the way a husband should---so he likely would just box it up with all the other garbage in his head, then be uber-magnanimous and ostentatious in his "forgiveness."
But he'd seethe and resent and hate.
Which is what he did, anyway.
Really, what I did or did not do never mattered, and never will.
Now, that he has done a lot more introspection about himself and getting in touch with his real feelings, I feel he may have a different perspective. Not that I am going to test him on this. But, then again, he had mind movies that drove him crazy about me and my previous boyfriends that I had been with before I even knew FWH, so maybe he just wouldn't be able to do it.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
My response to this was always the same, " I'd kick you out on your ass." I still feel it's a deal breaker, if I were that same young woman I would have left him in a heartbeat and called up his ex to let her feel "off the hook". Kids change the way I look at it all now. WH definitely deserved being left on his ass, but my kids don't deserve it.
I ask why and he says because that's how much he luuuuuvs me.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
BTW, It really does not make me feel better when FWW thanks me and says she does not think she would be so understanding. I know she means that well, but it causes me to question my behaviors.
My xWw cheated on me. I divorced her. Your WH cheated on you. You can divorce him.
You're still with him because you want to be, not because he wants you to be there. What he would have done if the roles were reversed had no bearing on your situation.