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User Topic: Two things to get off my chest
wannarun
♀ Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#1 Counselors advice last week-Go home and be the best wife you can be for a month.......do everything he likes well and see how he acts!! I'm not sure what to think about this to me it's just letting him off the hook making him think I'm all wonderful when I'm not!!! Then when I have a bad day he's gonna be like here we go again you're a psycho!! #2 his words and actions don't feel genuine-I see the way he responds to others with heartfelt greeting and physical touch and I feel envious all I get is a half assed peck somewhere on my face and a see ya later luv ya as he's closing the door behind him!! Hell even our fucking dogs get a more enthusiastic hello or bye than I do!!! Do you know how humiliating it is to be jealous of the dog!! And yes I've told him how I feel and he just gets pissy and puts it back on me like everything else


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I assume #1 is some sort of "fake it til you make it" advice. Like, act the happy wife and eventually you'll feel it? What I don't like about what she said is that you have to do everything HE likes. Why not be the best wife you can be by having balance, being fair, being kind, etc. There's a big difference between embracing happiness/working on letting go of some things and bending over backwards to please. And, my god, if you have a trigger or something, you're entitled to bring it up even if "he doesn't like it" (but if he's doing everything right, he should embrace the moment to grow and be there for you).

Is your WH totally remorseful? Doing everything right? There for you? If so, I'd be inclined to say your IC is on the right track with some tweaks.

If he isn't remorseful or if he's half-assing it, now is not the time to kiss HIS ass.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you ask your C why you should do this.

My first reaction to this prescription is that your H cheated for his own reasons, not because of anyting you did or didn't do. Therefore, I have no idea what 'being the best wife you can be' will accomplish.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10090 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
wannarun
♀ Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No he is definitely rugsweeping!! Going through the motions nothing he does feels genuine and definitely half assed and forced!!


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should have asked the counelor if he/ she was being th best counselor they could be.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 2:13 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's rugsweeping, then, well...be the best person you can be for you. Whatever that means. He doesn't deserve your partnership at this time.

+1 to Selkie.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your husband cheats on you. He tells you he never loved you. He's not trying everything possible to win you back. Your IC puts the burden on you to do things better. You must be feeling like shit right now!

You deserve a life that is better than what you have.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
wannarun
♀ Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best I can figure is she told me to do this because he's just acting so indifferent to me and she thinks if I do this he'll see me differently and treat me as valuable!! I don't know I just want something real whatever that may be!! I'm so tired of feeling like the least important person alive!! And everyone thinks he's so perfect and I'm so not good enough for him!! But I'm just me....real....I don't pretend to like things I don't, I'm not overly friendly to people to get what I want or to make them think better of me!! And I don't put strangers before the people I love!!


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That counselor wants you to win him back??? WTF??? That is completely backward. Your cheating husband should be trying to win YOU back!

Please don't go back to that counselor. They have completely blamed you for the affair and are putting the responsibility for holding the marriage entirely on your shoulders by forcing you to be artificially fake-y nice.

Don't do the "Pick me!" dance. That's bullshit.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
stillhere09
♀ Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


That counselor needs counseled.

What are her credentials? She does not sound like she has much experience.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
wannarun
♀ Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well she's a counselor for the employees and spouses at the company he works for!! She deals with a lot of men that work shift work and lately I'm getting the sense she's more sympathetic to them because of the stress the go through doing shift work!! But it's no walk in the park being married to a shift worker either. She's always giving him the benefit of the doubt and wants to talk to him about how she can help me. He's reluctant to go because her office is on site and he doesn't want anyone to see him go to her office!! But the first 5 sessions are free and then just our copay after that!! I don't really want to go back now. Oh and as a bonus she's counseled the OW since she was a coworker!! This is fckd up


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a clear conflict of interest. Don't go to her again.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. ^^^^^ conflict of interest. Sounds like she's trying to keep the employees working and happy and to.hell with life at home.

As far as 2nd fiddle to.the dog...hand raising here. I could almost sat he's not affectionate but then I realize its only with me. It makes me not like his stupid dog, who by the way, knows he comes first. I ask.him not to let the fucker on mt side of the bed. I put a blanket at the foot of his side but when I'm in the other room he let's him lay on my side. And yes a slight peck in the morning when he leaves and of course my generic love you text at 645 am.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5039 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you know how humiliating it is to be jealous of the dog!! And yes I've told him how I feel and he just gets pissy and puts it back on me like everything else

OMG...you just described what the hell I've been trying to explain to my SO and his reaction to it. I agree with the others I think your IC is full of it, does she specialize in infidelity? I also think you need to focus on what will make you feel good.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2741 | Registered: Oct 2012
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanna,
You sound like me. However, I pulled on a pair of Bitch Boots and took control. I had a similar upbringing, but refused to live the life my mother did.
Ditch this counselor, yesterday. She's crap. Find someone else. Most insurance will pay for out of pocket, at least a portion of it. Find someone who deals with inner child and family of origin (foo) issues. This was unbelievable for me.

You do not have to live in this limbo. It stops when you say it does. He is being allowed to do whatever he wants in my opinion. You seem to be his back up plan at this point in time. Besides feeding him, cleaning up after him, washing his clothes, do tell, what are you getting out of this marriage?

I'm not suggesting you leave, but I am strongly suggesting that you put your foot down, ask him if he's in the marriage or out of it.

You've been doing this long enough. Unless this is OK with you:
1. Go see an attorney, find out your rights.
2. Open your own checking account and fund it, well.
3. Ask around, and find a super good IC for you.
4. Draw your line in the sand. You are not required to stay in a marriage where your needs are thought of, maybe, after he's done with his selfishness. And, he's clearly not done.

Draw strength from SI, you will be guided, but you must refuse to be a doormat. Today! Find that strength in you. It is there.

Hell, you're from Texas! Time to kick his southern butt, but good, with your strong southern girl self.
We've got your back!


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Topic Posts: 15

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