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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Getting worse. Is divorce for me?
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're at 4.5 months from d-day and while my WW insists there's no personal contact with OM, they still work together.

With time, the pain has become more manageable, but not less acceptable in any way. It hurts every day -- a lot.

Our MC says my WW feels remorse and I that I should take that in. I don't see that.

I feel that if she really felt remorse that she would ask not to work with the OM anymore -- they don't work in the same department anyways and would be more open to listening to me talk about my pain.

Here's where I'm at. I'm feeling more distant from her every day and losing hope that she'll hit remorse. I think about divorce all the time when we're not together. When we're together I try to think of ways to make it work -- except that over the last two weeks or so I stopped doing that and now I think of divorce even when we're together.

I'm terrified of it and don't even know how to divorce someone. Most of all, I'm scared of making the wrong choice, although it's feeling like the right choice more and more each day.

My WW has been mostly kind to me lately. It doesn't feel like enough.

Were other people here before they filed for divorce? If so, am I correct in thinking that's the road I'm walking?

We're both in IC and MC. WW says she's sorry and remorseful, but I'm not seeing the actions I want and feel that I need.

And yes, at one point after d-day she left for the OM, but came back the same day because he told her it was just sex.

I am struggling mightily with this feeling of being nothing but her backup plan.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi FeelingSoMuch,

My take is that you use this ambivalence as an opportunity for clarity.

What would make it worthwhile for you to attempt R? Said another way, what would make you feel safer than you feel now?

Create that list and demand it from your W. If she says no to anything, then you're done, and you tell her that.

Imagine how you would feel if you had cheated and you felt horrible about it. If your W said that the only way she would consider R would be if you switched jobs, willingly talked to her about her pain at any time, etc., would you do it? If not, you wouldn't care much about her feelings, right?
Well, the same holds true for her and you should expect nothing short,of what you need. (Note: My xWW would not leave her wonderful job, even though she had a love affair with her boss. She told me that even if she quit her job, she knew she would be bitter towards me for making her do it (blame shift much?). She wasn't remorseful, really, so my decision was made for me. Her A was not a deal breaker for me, but her equivocation and indecision afterward was.)

To me, remorse is this. I will do whatever it takes to simply earn the possibility for you to give me another chance and to hopefully one day forgive me.......(or something like that.)

Also, of course you don't know how to get a divorce. Who does? You simply make the hard call,to a divorce attorney and start walking down a road you never thought you'd have to,walk down.

Strength to you, brother.


NMAI


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 913 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that if she really felt remorse that she would ask not to work with the OM anymore -- they don't work in the same department anyways and would be more open to listening to me talk about my pain.

I agree. I cannot image R with someone who was still working with (so, seeing!) their exAP on a daily/frequent basis. Many people have given up jobs, homes, churches, etc. in the pursuit of R. If your wife is not willing to do EVERYTHING you need to make you feel secure in the relationship again and to aid in your healing, then she's not truly remorseful and you are not in a true R.

I'm terrified of it and don't even know how to divorce someone. Most of all, I'm scared of making the wrong choice, although it's feeling like the right choice more and more each day.

You don't need to know how to do it, you learn as you go. First things first, find a lawyer and get a free consultation. Maybe even just talking to a lawyer and getting a better understand of the process and what you stand to gain/lose will help you come to peace with the decision.

My WW has been mostly kind to me lately. It doesn't feel like enough.

It's not. Hell, my husband was mostly nice to me during his A. If you wife is not willing to do all of the things you need to repair the relationship, that he "niceness" means nothing. I suppose a "nice" unremorseful (ex)wayward is preferable to a mean one, but it still doesn't fix the damage done and it still doesn't address what you *need*. My H would get irritated with me and say something to the affect of "Why does everything always have to be your way? Why do YOU get to pick how we fix our M?" Um, because YOU are the one who screwed around behind my back and you are the one who should be trying to make that up to me. When my son was in pre-k they kids were taught that when they hurt someone in some way that they were supposed to ask them what they needed to make it better. 4 year olds are learning this concept, not sure why it's so hard for adults.

We're both in IC and MC. WW says she's sorry and remorseful, but I'm not seeing the actions I want and feel that I need.

And you clearly have figured out that actions are the only things that matter. All of the nice, flowery words in the world, won't change a thing. Her actions need to show you that she's willing to change and to make things right. You're seeing that that is not the case. There are two people in the M, and if you're not feeling like you can carry on because of her lack of ___________, then that is OK. At this point she broke the vows, you get to decide whether or not you want to move forward with her.

And yes, at one point after d-day she left for the OM, but came back the same day because he told her it was just sex.

This, coupled with the fact that she still works with the OM troubles me. So essentially she was okay with leaving you, it would have been her choice. But when she found out her Mr. Wonderful only wanted to screw her, then she came back? How nice. And now she still works with this man? Do you have full transparency? Access to her phone, passwords, etc? Are you sure that the A has not gone underground? I'm pretty pessimistic now where A are concerned and it takes a lot to convince me that they're finally over. If your W works with this man it makes it really easy for her to continue on, even if it's just as an EA, which is obviously what she was looking for, since the lack of emotional committment was what brought her back home. I'd keep my eyes open if I were you and definitely get a consult with a lawyer.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe the A is over. I don't think it went underground. She seems ashamed of it. Now that the fog is lifted and she sees OM for what he is, the guy is a loser. And not a nice person (I'm trying not to use a word that would get the SI moderators upset at me).

It's like she's doing just enough for me to stay. Yet, not enough for me to feel like R is going to work.

It really hurts that the MC says "these things take time."

I believe it, but I feel humiliated every day they work together.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does she know your feelings about them working together? Is there a *good* reason why she can't look for a new job?


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
haysuth01
♀ Member
Member # 29161
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These things take time?? Seriously?

I say that because you said she is MOSTLY KIND to you. If she is truly remorseful, she would be kind to you more than mostly, and the right words would be loving and supportive and willing to do ANYTHING to help you heal. Including figuring out a way to not work with OM anymore.

Your needs for R are not unreasonable. She is not remorseful, (from what I've just read), she is regretful. There's a difference. Hugs to you, FSM, and good luck with whatever option you end up choosing.

ETA that I roll my eyes at your counselor, not you!

[This message edited by haysuth01 at 7:37 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]


XBS
Divorced 5/07.
DS-7! What?!
Happily remarried, B/G twins (5).

Posts: 219 | Registered: Jul 2010
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe it, but I feel humiliated every day they work together.

OK, here are the words.

"Honey, we need to talk. ....I love you. I want our marriage to work. Your A did damage, but we can survive it, but after feeling the impact of this for "x" months now, I can tell you something I determined that I need. I need you to work somewhere else. I just do. This is an unfortunate consequence, but it is unfortunately exactly that...a consequence. The alternative is not good. You can keep your job, but you can't keep it and me married to me."


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 913 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her job...sigh...

When we met 12 years ago she told me about her dream job. The she worked toward it and I take some credit for either helping or staying out of her way

Right -- because sometimes couples hold each other back.

We met young. She finished university, climbed her way up and 11 years later got her dream job.

Three weeks into it the A started. What the F???? You know what I mean?

When she was jobless or underemployed I was there for her, financially and emotionally. I feel that I continually encouraged her and offered support of any kind.

It's a high-profile, well-paying job. It's also public. It's not a government job, it's public in that people know her name and recognize her face.

I don't even want her to quit her job because I'm actually proud of her for working so hard to get it. I just want her to go to her boss and explain that she doesn't want to receive work emails directly from the OM anymore and that she doesn't want to work with him -- ever.

She won't do it. Says it would be a career killer and that I'm only asking her to do this as punishment. Says I need to trust her that it's over and that she doesn't even want to see OM.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have someone on the inside? I did and the MOW kept right on throwing herself at him and flirting for all to see. Had i not had inside info, I would have never known.

Just the fact that she left and only came back because she was his piece of &%$# makes me think she is feeling sorry for herself. You might want to start making plans if you don't want to be plan B.

From everything I have I read here about true remorse, is it doesn't have to be drug out of someone.


Posts: 2118 | Registered: Mar 2011
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She won't do it. Says it would be a career killer and that I'm only asking her to do this as punishment. Says I need to trust her that it's over and that she doesn't even want to see OM.

A career killer is having a semi-public job and then screwing one of your co-workers. Refusing that request is incredibly selfish of her and is proof of your suspicion, she is not remorseful.

I do feel like I can better answer your original question now - I think you'd be jumping the gun if you filed for divorce now. I am doubtful that she will change much, but you still seem really "soft" towards her, and I don't think you're emotionally ready for a D yet. Here's what will happen, she will either get her shit together and work with you towards a new, better relationship OR she will continue to be unremorseful and selfish and the animosity and anger will build to such a point that you no longer need to ask if D is right, you'll just know. I think you have a ways to go.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you're right on, thenon-goddess.

Five minutes ago I went to a divorce lawyer's website and read up on it. My stomach is in knots. I feel awful.

I didn't think I was being "soft" on my WW based on what I wrote above, but if that's what you're reading into it, I guess I just can't hide it.

You're right. I have doubts about both roads and I still feel a lot of affection toward my WW.

She's improving regularly as far as working toward remorse. I'm not feeling any better, though. It hurts like hell to think they were together so many times -- over 100.

I love my WW. I don't know how she could love me back and do what she did. I have been told about the fog, my IC and MC both say she loves me and is committed to R.

I'm too jealous, too hurt and too bothered by her still working with OM to get better. I feel stuck here. Just pain and feelings that my WW didn't/doesn't value me.

I'm not always like this, but I have been having a terrible last few days. I'm not even sure why. No triggers...


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorce is my only choice. IMO my marriage ended when he got on that slippery slope, not when he slid down it and not when I stopped tolerating it.

The BS fog seems to do strange things to us. We tend to focus on life without them rather than life WITH them. I was afraid of leaving, afraid of the impact on me, my children - everything.

Then one day I started focussing on life WITH him and I was far more afraid of that.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5403 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I said that you still seem soft towards her it was how you were talking about her job. I can tell you are proud of her and that you want to see her keep her job speaks volumes. And you just don't have that anger that you usually read when someone is just ready for D. Fed up and DONE. So, like I said, she'll either get her shit together and you guys will make something of it, or she'll keep it up and eventually it will wear you down and you'll come to know without a doubt that that is the right choice for you. D can happen anytime. If you are not sure, that now is not the time. Good luck, FSM.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 13

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