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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: wanting my life back
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I will probably get negative responses to this but will say it anyway.....since D Day I have lost everything.....my home and family, my husband's trust and faith in me, I could go on and on. The OM got off totally free...

You won't get a negative response from me. What you wrote is/was my story too...I been there, done that. It's bullshit BUT...

...we can't worry about anyone but ourselves. The OP or their family or their life has nothing to do with us and how WE fix our shit going forward. Focusing on what they might have "gotten away with" only takes time and energy away from what we need to do.

I focused on what my AP got away with for a long time. In the end, it didn't change anything in MY life, KWIM? And we don't really know, either---someone might look like they got away with something, but they still have to live with themselves. I'd rather be a known (former) cheater who's working on her shit and fixing her life than a hidden cheater who's a.) living a lie and b.) always looking over their shoulder for the past to come and bite them in the butt. *shrug*

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 7:28 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2136 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And what has your husband lost? Gently, what you are describing are called consequences. And as long as your are more focused on what you have lost and how unfair it is that your OM hasn't lost the same, then you are, IMO, standing in place and not moving forward. Yeah, life is unfair. It's unfair that OM gets to have his lovely life. Its totally unfair that his poor BW doesn't know that she's married to an adulterer. And it's completely unfair that your BH is as well. I don't mean to denigrate your pain. I'm really sure that you are suffering. But your pain is your focus and while an occasional self-pity moment is understandable, as long as you stay mired in that mindset, you're not making progress towards healing. And that's your goal, right? Your healing and your BHs healing. Please just think about what your goal is.

I'm glad that you're reading Not Just Friends. Good book.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...we can't worry about anyone but ourselves. The OP or their family or their life has nothing to do with us and how WE fix our shit going forward. Focusing on what they might have "gotten away with" only takes time and energy away from what we need to do.

I focused on what my AP got away with for a long time. In the end, it didn't change anything in MY life, KWIM? And we don't really know, either---someone might look like they got away with something, but they still have to live with themselves.

Needed to hear this, heartbroken.

Gently, what you are describing are called consequences. And as long as your are more focused on what you have lost and how unfair it is that your OM hasn't lost the same, then you are, IMO, standing in place and not moving forward. Yeah, life is unfair.

...But your pain is your focus and while an occasional self-pity moment is understandable, as long as you stay mired in that mindset, you're not making progress towards healing.

And this, Skan.

Thank you both. JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OM got off totally free...his BW has no idea of the A or anything, and their life has continued....hell I even get to hear about the new home they are now building and the new baby they are trying to make....part of me (and it probably isn't right) feels that I have lost everything because of the OM (and my own choices) why should I have to lose a job I love and a great program for my daughter also? Like I said I know I probably shouldn't feel this way but I do. And for now BH has no problem with it...once he does then I will start looking.

All I hear here is me me me me me. Why should I have to lose look at what he did and he didn't get in trouble. Why should I have to do more if my husband didn't ask for it? Why wait until your H has an issue with it? Focus on you getting better but stop focusing on what consequences the OM did or didn't get. It deflects the weight of your actions.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2736 | Registered: Oct 2012
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I was trying to do with this post was try to get some support for what I am going through from other people who are going through the same thing as me or who have already gone through it.

Reading some of these responses makes me feel even worse than I did before....I realize how badly I fucked up my life and my family....I realiZe how much I have hurt my husband and how much I don't deserve someone like him. I am aware that I have a lot of issues I need to work on....which is why I am in therapy and trying to work on who I am.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 836 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa if we didn't care we wouldn't respond but we're also not going to handle you with kid gloves. If we see something we think is wrong we will say something about it. I am sorry if you feel this is harsh but the people here truly do want the best for you.

ETA: I made my first post here and got hit so hard with 2x4's that I turned and ran. When I came back I was at my lowest and I still got hit by 2x4's but this time I stayed. It hurts like hell sometimes but if I don't work through it I will never be at a happy state of mind again.

[This message edited by Unagie at 9:52 PM, July 8th (Monday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2736 | Registered: Oct 2012
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allyssmad,

I get surprised when I read some posts here that sound almost child like. I shouldn't, I'm sure. What I struggle with is the choices made are so huge and life changing I assume that those of us that made them knew how big they were even using the fucked processes we used to make them.

Seems that we'd be able to get that and fight like the adults we were when those were made.

I can tell you one thing for certain. NO ONE would keep me from my child. No one. I sure wouldn't be taking a poll on that one. Don't care how others might feel I "deserve" to lose them.

As your husband, as pissed as I might be at you, if you walked away from your daughter how the fuck could you possibly fight for me or our marriage?

You posted and were given advice on finding out your rights.

If your name is on that house that means you're responsible for it right along with your husband.

Regardless, your child is there and you'd have to literally kill me to keep me away from my daughter. I'd be home co-parenting my child every day. You can be sleeping on the couch or another bedroom but your place is with your daughter.

My ex put me in the ER. I would never keep him away from his sons. He's a good father and can see them whenever he wants.

As far as his dinner with the woman from work...just friends? Riiiigggghhhhtt. We know just how well that works out. He took your daughter to things with other women too, correct?

I understand how disasterous your choices were. I don't understand allowing fucked choices to become the corner stone for further fucked choices.

I know you posted for support because you're hurting. You don't have the luxury of whining right now, though. You are choosing your life with every choice you make every day. You are not a bystander.

If your name is on the mortgage your ass should be sitting in that house getting a job to make those payments if he decides to walk away and raising your daughter. Get her into another preschool like yesterday and continue to do your work on yourself.

Write out the timeline. He can choose if he wants to read it or not. I'm thinking he's not asking for it because he's done but doesn't feel like making the decision to divorce because of what's involved with legally splitting up. I could be wrong. Either way, you have your life. Start living it.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
EmotionalFool
♀ Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 3:39 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j
hidden cheater who's a.) living a lie and b.) always looking over their shoulder for the past to come and bite them in the butt. *shrug*

Omg .. do I agree with this.. CL is upset/angry since last couple of days. When I went home yesterday, I felt a relief that I knew why he was upset. Before Dday, I always used to worry if he knows something he shouldn’t what a terrible way to live ..


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am frankly deeply puzzled. I strongly echo uncertainone's comments; nothing would keep me from parenting my daughter in MY home. As a BS myself I understand the pain and anger your BH suffers, but exiling you for an indeterminate amount of time, clearly as a punishment, is just not acceptable.

Tell your BH you are ending this involuntary exile and the rest of the reconciliation will be conducted in a family environment. If he has any problems with that, regrettable as that may be, he has the option of leaving himself.

Come on Alyssam24, gather your courage and go home.


Posts: 1705 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell your BH you are ending this involuntary exile and the rest of the reconciliation will be conducted in a family environment. If he has any problems with that, regrettable as that may be, he has the option of leaving himself.

Come on Alyssam24, gather your courage and go home.

^^^This^^^


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37577 | Registered: Sep 2007
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the last few posts. You need to be at home, even if not sharing the same bed.

It's felt like you're living in limbo for a long time now.

He needs to make his mind up one way or another.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I see is a whole lot of limbo. I'm sure that is frustrating, and while I see a lot of things that you can be working on on your own, I bet it doesn't help keep you motivated when you are wondering whether R will come.

One way to end it is to tell OM's BW, as gently as possible, about the A. Allow her access to the information she should have about her own life. It is unfair, IMO, to keep it from her. It may make your decision to quit unnecessary, as if it was me, I would be pulling my child from that centre ASAP.

My experience was that as long as FWH was working with (in our case) MOW I could not commit to R. Now, we had a false R thrown in, so I know that complicates things, but even before that I knew that as long as he saw her, even in passing, on a regular basis, I would not even begin to feel safe.

I hope you are able to find a way through this mess.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree very much that I need to be home. When he found out about the A he kicked me out and since I was the one who screwed up I left....we rent, and he is the one who has always paid the rent, so I guess I felt like I didn't have the right to stay.

It kills me that I'm not with my dd. Since we have separated he has always had her on Tuesdays, Friday night's,and Saturdays and I have her the rest of the time. But I hate the days I am not with her.

We spent the morning together, the three of us. Once she went down for a nap he and I talked and I asked him once more about moving home and he said he isn't ready. He said his counselor told him not to rush it, but also not to drag it out. He said he doesn't know why he doesn't want me home yet but he just isn't ready....I explained that I know it will be hard but I think it's the only way we can fix things rather than leave them in limbo.

I also asked what else he needs me to do to help him,to which he had no response.

A friend suggested that I set a date to move home by, but I don't know if I should do that cuz I feel like it's giving him an ultimatum which I am certainly in no position to do...and don't want to rush him anyways. Thoughts?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 836 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
MoreThanMe
♀ Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssamd24-it's brave of you to be here-I wish my WS would post here.

My .02- my WS asking "what he could do" to help me-wouldn't be helpful to *me.* One, if he did it-it wouldn't mean crap because I would have told him to do it. Not to mention-he may not know what would make him feel safe. Maybe a MC could help him and you articulate a game plan? What would, and does, mean a lot to me-if he figured it out on his own. Read a book, etc and just did something.


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why doesn't the OM's BW know about the A?


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 435 | Registered: Dec 2012
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sand,
His BW doesn't know because my husband chose not to tell her. If she found out I would lose my job and our daughter would lose her daycare/preschool.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 836 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
hatefulnow
♂ Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find another job and tell her on the way out.

Posts: 127 | Registered: May 2012
amaranta1971
♀ New Member
Member # 39874
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Write your resignation letter and be a stay home mom, full time dedicated to your husband and child.
It seems keeping the job is a excuse....you have to sacrifice your job it is a consequence....

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2013
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here.

Gently, truly. I am going to bet that your daughter will be far better served in the long run by having her family, rather than a good pre-school program.

There are tons and tons of good preschool programs.

She has only ONE family.

Quit.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3619 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW When I was in a similar position as your husband, anything she said was ignored. I had the hardest time believing anything she told was true. I did what I could to minimize the conversations, etc.

Her being proactive helped me think more that R was possible.

If there is something you think he may like, just go ahead and do it. Sometimes it may not get the response your are looking for, but it shows a willingness to be a little vulnerable. After time the "effort" not words may help him see how much you want to do this.

I understand the job provides childcare, but if I knew there was a chance each day that my W could see OM, I would not be willing to work on R. Trust is a bigger thing here. What are you doing to help restore that trust ? Your current job alone is destroying any trust that you may be trying to build. Each rationale for keeping the job, even if he is agreeing with you, will come across as insincere. Meaning other things are more important than your M. I am not saying you are insincere, but it seems that your H is interpreting it that way, at least on a subconscious level.

Status quo doesn't seem to be working, he is detaching from you because he doesn't see R as a real possibility. You need to change your approach if you want a chance to get him to respond to you and begin working this out.

Actions are the only things that score you points right now. Words, promises, declarations of love fall on deaf ears and remind him why he can't take those at face value any longer.

I know it can frustrating, but there isn't always a immediate reward for doing these things. If you do them because you want to, a reward shouldn't be necessary.

Best of luck, keep going, don't stop.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
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