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Newest Member: Notimetotalk (44952)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Despair
WPaul
♂ New Member
Member # 35166
Stop  Posted: 6:36 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, its another night of slammed doors and sleeping in separate rooms.

This started, as it quite often does with me offering to read to her. She says she wants this (if I read myself it doesn't count).

But tonight I have three attempts at starting to read, but each time she starts leading questions which are going to lead nowhere, since trying to defend myself (even on the few questions where I know I am right and she is wrong) is a bad idea and if I say sorry or appologise in anyway, all I get is a "not accepted".

I guess others have similar experiences, and I'm wondering if there is any hope right now. Two years down the line she is obviously still very angry about everything, and she keeps talking about divorce.


me=47 yr old FWH
wife=43 yr old BS
DS 3

Posts: 42 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Southern UK
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, its another night of slammed doors and sleeping in separate rooms.

This started, as it quite often does with me offering to read to her. She says she wants this (if I read myself it doesn't count).

But tonight I have three attempts at starting to read, but each time she starts leading questions which are going to lead nowhere, since trying to defend myself (even on the few questions where I know I am right and she is wrong) is a bad idea and if I say sorry or appologise in anyway, all I get is a "not accepted".

I guess others have similar experiences, and I'm wondering if there is any hope right now. Two years down the line she is obviously still very angry about everything, and she keeps talking about divorce.

You cheated. You broke her trust, you broke her ability to believe in you. If she needs for you to read in front of her, it should be when SHE needs it, not when YOU need it, assuming that's what she needs. If that's not what she needs in the moment, you should -- if you are truly interested and invested in R -- oblige with what she feels she needs in the moment.

If she needs to ask you the same questions over and over, then it is what she needs, and you should oblige her with that.

Just because she doesn't accept your apologies doesn't mean you shouldn't make them. It's clear to me that she's not ready to forgive you for them. Two years might seem like a long time, but have you really owned up to your shit? Have you confessed everything, or are you still TTing her?

If you feel like you haven't made progress in two years, then perhaps the approach has been wrong. I see that you say "me offering to read to her," as though this isn't YOUR choice. What have you done for yourself to change YOURSELF? Are you doing ANYTHING constructive to demonstrate that you've changed at all from the man who committed A?

To me, you sound like someone who wants to do everything to placate his wife and you have no real investment on fixing yourself. You almost come off as though she owes you some kind of peace. She doesn't. So, what are you doing?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 797 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you reading to her? Infidelity/relationship related stuff or fiction or news or what?


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but each time she starts leading questions which are going to lead nowhere

How do you know they won't lead anywhere? If she's asking, then there's a need inside her to hear an answer. Your opinion of where it will lead, or that it won't lead anywhere, is just that, your opinion. That doesn't mean that your BW shouldn't be able to ask the questions, or that there isn't some need in her to discuss it. Not your choice to make.

since trying to defend myself (even on the few questions where I know I am right and she is wrong) is a bad idea

I don't think defending yourself is an option either. Any defense you try to make regarding your infidelity is just taking away from what might have been built over the last couple years. Drop your defenses. If you disagree with something she is saying, then reflect on it, acknowledge it, validate it and give it time in your own head. Don't defend. And, if you don't mind my asking, what do you think you're right about? Why should your BW believe what you think is right?

and if I say sorry or appologise in anyway, all I get is a "not accepted".

And as long as you are apologizing while you're trying to defend yourself, you will probably keep getting that same answer.

This whole defense thing is pretty troubling, as you've described it. I think you have to surrender yourself here. That doesn't mean allowing yourself to get trampled, or admitting to things that didn't happen, or sticking around in a loveless M. It means that you just need to stop and realize that maybe when you think you're right, you aren't. It means giving up what you think you know to recognize that your BW has as strong of opinions about what she thinks she knows. How can you dismiss what your BW think she knows? How can you defend yourself when your BS needs to work through this process on her own terms, not yours?

Everything comes back to you. While reading per her request is great, you've obviously seen that reading is going to lead to conversation, which can apparently lead to you sleeping on the couch. The conversation isn't the issue really, but how you view your "take" on whatever it is you're discussing. Think about it...why is your BW wrong? Why are you right? Will everyone side with you? Why is it important for you to be right?

I guess what I'm trying to say, and this is just a gut feeling because there isn't a lot of detail regarding the argument, but you need to realize that even two years down the road, if you're feeling the need to be right, and you are making assumptions that your BW's questions are going to lead nowhere, then maybe you should step back and think about why she is still in this place? Why doesn't she see it your way? I think that at times like this, you need to realize that maybe you are the one who isn't giving your BW what she needs. And until you give your wife what she needs, you are going to keep drawing out this process and spending more nights in separate rooms.

Think about your own part in all this.

[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 7:28 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Topic Posts: 4

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