None of my extended family knows what's happened. That said, one of my relative's houses is where I originally proposed to Heart, and it is now toxic to her (understandably so). Therefore, when we have big family get-togethers there, Heart starts getting triggery to the point of an almost full-blown panic attack. So, for her sake, I never insist that she goes.
When I show up without her, though, the womenfolk tend to ask, "Where's Heart?" to which I respond with the standard, "Not feeling well." Lately (I don't know if it's busybodiness or what), a number of them have started asking things like, "Is it flu?" "Is it allergies?" and so on.
And here's my conundrum:
1. Since habitual/cover-up lying was something I did during my As, one of my boundaries has been to not lie (especially to Heart, but it extends to other areas of my life as well).
2. Since telling secrets/personal information about our M to people outside our M was one of my OTHER problems during my As, another of my boundaries has been not to inform unnecessary people about the details of our relationship.
3. Heart is concerned that her absences from family get-togethers will be seen as a sign of distancing and not wanting to be 'part of the family.'
I want to tell the truth (1), but it involves making a lot of people Heart doesn't really know or trust privy to sensitive information (2).
How do I let people know what's going on (1) without revealing too much information (2) so that no one gets the wrong impression about Heart (3)?
Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated, even though I don't expect to have to get together with my mother's family until at least Thanksgiving (which is right around antiversary time, so it will be its own difficulty)!
Why? She wasn't up to coming.
But why? She wasn't up to coming.
Is she trying to distance herself from us? It has nothing to do with you. She was not up to coming.
But why? She was not up to coming.
You are not lying. She was not up to going, they don't have to know why. This is just my opinion FWIW.
No longer together
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
Another option is to skip the family get togethers when they are at this house? Presuming you have other family get togethers elsewhere that you can participate in? Or skip them at this house just some of the time? You can call ahead and say, "Sorry, Heart and I can't come. We have a fun date planned, just the two of us." And go on a date. That way, the "distancing" isn't put on her alone...and you don't have to answer questions about her health, either. And no lying involved either.
If it is T-giving, why not go away on a long weekend alone? Or with your kids if you have them? There are lots of great resorts that do full T-giving food spreads. I realize this isn't a long-term solution but, man, if I was in this situation and my WH suggested it - wow. I would love it. And you could just do it this one year as things are still fresh and your first antiversary season (I think)?
But, yes. I like the approach of doing something together.
I'll definitely have to be harder. That's been something I've struggled with. I was able to leave it at the truth of "she's stressed because she's starting school soon," and that seemed to end the uncomfortable discussion.
Just the sadness of the marriage.
This implies the sadness is due to marriage, as if the institution had some control. Marriage is exactly what we make of it. Our choice are our own.
is there an OW connection or just sadness that the marriage was broken?
Sorry. This is what I was referring to.
With BH's permission, I told my parents. We usually go up north to see them in the summer, and we're not going this year b/c we need to stay home and work shit out. Instead of making up excuses, I told them about my As.
This bugged me:
So, for her sake, I never insist that she goes.
Well, how very generous and understanding of you.
So did this:
she's stressed because she's starting school soon
IMO this violates #2, unless Heart gave her express permission for you to say this.