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User Topic: Sex attitude survey
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. There's one thing that I'm trying to understand. Most of you want to feel a connection before having sex. But also, reading about how sex has happened quite quickly for some of you, means that connection developed real fast.

How deep was the connection when you first had sex? How well did you know your partner?

The first date is, for me, just a meeting. I'm not going to start getting romantic. Feels way too forward. We don't know each other at all.

The second date is where I hope we will get a slightly deeper sense of each other's personality. This is the first real date where there might be some romantic undertones. But it sounds like by the end of a second date, some of you have felt connected enough to go into that third date (really a second date, IMHO) thinking that sex was a distinct possibility?

This is where I wonder if my puritan nature starts coming in. I can't imagine things progressing that quickly, even when attraction is high. I don't even understand the logistics of getting from date 2 to being in bed together by the end of date 3. That would imply date three was at one of your homes, which even I know is highly suggestive.

I don't mean to sound prudish. But I wonder if I *am* prudish. These are things I'm trying to digest and examine for myself, because being a frustrated prude ain't fun.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j to Inner Light: at 64 and 61, my SO and I agree that neither one of us has EVER had this much fun in bed! It's kind of like a second teenagerhood for us - so just know that sometimes God saves the best for last.

Thanks for this!!!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5005 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With fSO...first "date" was at my house. We had been emailing for 3 or 4 weeks and had met for coffee. I trusted him. With that said, nothing happened physically between us for 2 months, then when it did...everything was discussed before time. Including kissing.

One guy that made it to the 3rd date that I liked (and lots of phone calls in-between) was physical (not sex...but...), and yes, it was in my home, I offered to cook him dinner. We ended shortly thereafter.

I had another guy that made it to the third date that I only hugged, he kissed my cheek...but he was a fWS and I found I just couldn't go there. I put up a major physical boundary with him and I knew I just needed to end it.

So, yeah, by the third date, I'm expecting at least a kiss.

But, my IC and I discussed this one day, and she said her H didn't kiss her until date 10. She thought the entire time he wasn't interested and couldn't figure out why he wasn't "interested in her". He said later it was because he knew he liked her and didn't want to screw it up. He got lucky that she continued to accept the dates, because she was really confused.

I really think it boils down to being open to talking about it with your date. By the third, if they have been good dates...you should be able to say, "I would really like to give you a kiss...." and there is nothing wrong with saying..." I really like you and want to take it slow..." while you figure the rest out.

On the other hand, OIAL, there is no "formula". I think by third date, probably a kiss...then the rest is unknown. It depends on if multidating is going on, if there is real interest, etc. Some relationship progress quickly, some don't. There are too many factors. If the guy is multidating, I'm not going past a kiss until it is monogamous. But...that is simply...me. My boundaries.

If I've had several really great dates, long phone calls in between...yeah...there might be sex by 4th date. The sex is the step (for me) that brings us closer together. I really like the guy, no red flags, we discussed sex, its monogamous and we are on the same page=sex.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4100 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess sex after just a few dates was hard for me to imagine because I'm not very at ease when I feel attracted to someone (unless her attraction to me is blatantly obvious).

I've had obvious mutual chemistry with one date. So it's not entirely foreign to me. But what sent me to the dumps was that it wasn't right with her, anyway. We had nine dates overall. I would have been ready for sex by the 5th date. I was riding a high. But it turns out we didn't know each other well at all, even after 9 dates, and we weren't right for each other. Whatever "connection" was there was a farce.

If we did have sex, that would have probably gotten me more emotionally involved because of all the significance I tend to burden sex with, and who knows, I might be well into another poisonous relationship.

Unless I'm able to strip sex of the weight I add to it, I have to be *very* careful about chemistry. Flashy chemistry wouldn't be enough. I'd need to feel like her good friend as well, which takes some time to develop.

If I could strip some of the weight off, then sex with someone I like but haven't yet developed a deep friendship with (but with optimism for that), would be workable. I think this is where I want to be, actually.

This has been a good thread for me. Thanks for all your honest input.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
willowiris
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Member # 5372
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


1) How many dates must you go on before you might have sex?

No set number of dates, but I think with my last boyfriend, we had discussed dating exclusively, and it might have been around 6 to 9 dates.


2) What meaning do you give your first sexual encounter with someone? Is it a statement of love? Or simple pleasure and excitement?

I would not go as far as to use the word love, but it is the start of a commitment/exclusive relationship.

3) Do you have different attitudes towards sex depending upon the long term potential of your date? In other words, if your date is hot but you're otherwise not really interested, will you have casual sex? Do you wait longer to have sex if you see long term potential?


I used to, and i am not judging anyone who has, but I generally don't have sex outside of committed relationships, and if I do, it is usually with someone I trust and because I don't feel like dating, though it seldom happens anymore. I am more apt to just wait.

4) Do you ever initiate when it comes to suggesting sex? Or make not so subtle innuendos?

In a committed relationship? Sure. Why not initiate it? If you want it, go get it.

5) Is first sex with a new partner planned mutually in advance, or does it just somehow happen due to the right mood being in place?

I know it kind of kills the spontaneity, and I would not say 'planned' per se, but I would say at least discussed. Things like exclusivity, birth control, behaving responsibly. yeah. Discussed, and then it happens after that.

6) Have you ever had sex at the end of a date, when going in you really weren't thinking along those lines?

Not since I was much much younger. It's just not my thing anymore. I prefer to get to know someone.

7) Do you always discuss what sex means to you before having sex with a date?

Yes.


D-day 09/2004
Filed for divorce 9/2006

We accept the love we think we deserve. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower."


Posts: 12326 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Margaritaville
Catwoman
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Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 4:06 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) How many dates must you go on before you might have sex?

For me, it is not the number of dates, but the level of comfort, a sense of having some sort of commitment to exclusivity and having an opportunity to have desire and attraction build. With GDM, it was about 6 weeks of daily contact and 2-3 dates/week. I would not set any hard and fast rules about number of dates/number of weeks, but get in touch with what is right and comfortable for Once.


2) What meaning do you give your first sexual encounter with someone? Is it a statement of love? Or simple pleasure and excitement?

Like many women, I associate sex with bonding and commitment. I don't choose to pursue a physical relationship with someone unless I feel we are on the road to that sort of relationship. Love may be premature, but definitely I am looking at sex as a way to strengthen the bond and commitment between us.

3) Do you have different attitudes towards sex depending upon the long term potential of your date? In other words, if your date is hot but you're otherwise not really interested, will you have casual sex? Do you wait longer to have sex if you see long term potential?

I need to be emotionally into the fellow. GDM seduced me with his marvelous mind. Physically, he is pretty average. Certainly wouldn't be considered "hot" by most standards. But he is smokin' to me because of that marvelous mind of his.

4) Do you ever initiate when it comes to suggesting sex? Or make not so subtle innuendos?

If I am into someone, I make sure he knows it. I may not initiate a first encounter, but I will flirt and otherwise make it clear that him making a move would not be a disappointment to me in the least.

5) Is first sex with a new partner planned mutually in advance, or does it just somehow happen due to the right mood being in place?

Because up until the last couple of years I have had kids at home, a modicum of planning has been necessary. But no, I've not laid it out as such--it has been more of a "well, it's not going to be tonight, because I have kids at home/have to be home at a reasonable hour, etc."

6) Have you ever had sex at the end of a date, when going in you really weren't thinking along those lines?

No.

7) Do you always discuss what sex means to you before having sex with a date?

Yes. To pursue a physical relationship, I want exclusivity/commitment. Not commitment in terms of marriage or anything like that, but commitment in terms of we're going to be a couple until one or both of us decides that we aren't.

Once, I suggest you let things develop naturally and not worry about the number of dates, etc. If you're attracted to a woman, let her know. But to think that there is some magic formula out there puts artificial pressure on you--let things unfold at a pace that works for both of you.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29570 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
gahurts
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Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL,

Unless I'm able to strip sex of the weight I add to it, I have to be *very* careful about chemistry. Flashy chemistry wouldn't be enough. I'd need to feel like her good friend as well, which takes some time to develop.

If I could strip some of the weight off, then sex with someone I like but haven't yet developed a deep friendship with (but with optimism for that), would be workable. I think this is where I want to be, actually.

Why??

You place a great deal of significance on sex. GREAT! Those are your values. Don't change your values to meet some societal pressure or viewpoint that isn't you. Liek I said before, focus on getting to know the other person and let things develop. Maybe other people here will laugh at me for saying this but you know - it is OK to wait to have sex. Some people even wait until they are married or at least in a mostly permanent relationship before taking that final plunge. It is OK.

Just for some levity - if the pressure is too high, there is always battery operated Barbara (BOB).

[This message edited by gahurts at 7:38 AM, July 8th (Monday)]


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3383 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
NaiveAgain
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Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) How many dates must you go on before you might have sex? Same as Catwoman...no specific number. I have sex when it feels right to me. I have to be comfortable with the guy and know him a bit and feel there is a chance for a long-term relationship because I don't do casual sex. Casual sex does would make me feel a bit used although realistically if I want it as bad as he does, then it isn't using, it is two people getting their needs met. I guess I am trying to say I have to have the emotional bond for it to work for me, but I have gone a year or two w/o sex and because I DO like sex and need it in my life, once I do find someone that I click with, if I have known them for a while as a friend, the sex may happen pretty quickly once we start dating.

2) What meaning do you give your first sexual encounter with someone? Is it a statement of love? Or simple pleasure and excitement? Both. It is definitely a primal "wanting" experience, but I also tend to really, really like the person, a lot, and feel I know them somewhat. I rarely am ever in "Love" with someone when I first start having sex with them though. That generally happens a bit later. The exception was my XSO. I was in love with him before our first date.

3) Do you have different attitudes towards sex depending upon the long term potential of your date? In other words, if your date is hot but you're otherwise not really interested, will you have casual sex? Do you wait longer to have sex if you see long term potential? I won't have sex with a hot guy unless I know he is into me completely and there is the chance of long-term.

4) Do you ever initiate when it comes to suggesting sex? Or make not so subtle innuendos? After I am in a relationship, but not the first few times. But I will respond positively if he makes a move and I am interested.

5) Is first sex with a new partner planned mutually in advance, or does it just somehow happen due to the right mood being in place? Not usually planned. Sometimes expected, and sometimes catches me by surprise (like with my new guy).

6) Have you ever had sex at the end of a date, when going in you really weren't thinking along those lines? Yup.

7) Do you always discuss what sex means to you before having sex with a date? Yup. In every circumstance of me having sex, the guy knew what he was getting into and what to expect ("I need to be in a committed and exclusive relationship." "I have no diseases, do you?" "I don't mess around casually.....," etc....)

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:50 AM, July 8th (Monday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15187 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gahurts, I understand. Thing is, I've been pretty stodgy, sexually speaking. I've had a good number of women tell me, after 3 to 5 dates, that they see me as a friend, they like me, etc., but that there's no chemistry.

What I take away from this is that I'm lacking in sexuality. Sexuality isn't the same as sex, but sex is the driving force behind sexuality.

I need to get this chastity belt off of me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to start pushing for early sex. But I do need to find my sexuality, and convey that I'm looking for more than just friendship.

I've always been really conservative, socially (not politically). It's my puritan upbringing. My XW's crazy cheating around with strangers from the internet only underlined my sense that sex for only fun is somehow immoral. Something about the act feels unclean to me, unless it has almost spiritual undertones.

This is why hearing people discuss their own attitudes around sex is very refreshing to me. I feel like I've put myself in a box around the issue and thrown away the key.

I know I can't change my personality. I like who I am, more or less, and am not going to wear a mask. But I think I can loosen some of that rigidity around sexuality. It's hard to feel sexual when sex is a forbidden fruit.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Crescita
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Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it might help if you start thinking in terms of planning opportunities rather than planning the act itself. You have to get comfortable with the idea of it being possible before you go right to it.

Chemistry is going to be hard fought if you are just having lunch, dinner out, playing mini golf or going to a baseball game. You need a bit of suggestiveness and some privacy to let things unfold in a way that will feel organic. Itís hard for a kiss at the end of the night to lead anywhere if you have only started to think in those terms at the end of the night.

Inviting someone over for dinner is a bit suggestive, but it doesnít have to lead anywhere so it can also take away a lot of the pressure. It certainly beats someone having to be so bold as to suggest a hotel or asking to come in at 11pm when your date to that point has been largely platonic.

Even if you decide to grab dinner out instead, the mere suggestion of dinner in will get wheels turning in a more intimate nature (Was he implying something? Could I? Would I?)

Your idea to start dancing would also be great to get more comfortable with physical contact that doesnít have to lead anywhere.

Thatís the key; it doesnít have to lead anywhere. The idea that it could is a necessary step in being comfortable with intimacy though, at least for me.


Posts: 3325 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
ladies_first
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Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, I'm late to the party. Stealing from another recent thread:
I know there's a common feeling out there that the man should do the pursuing, because guys need to feel that they conquer their woman, like she's a prize that they win.

Good sex is about give and take. Stop with the conquering bullshit, already. I'm special, but I'm not a prize to be won. If you insist on generalizations, how about this one: Both men and women want to be respected and appreciated sexually.

Granted, chemistry is a Bitch!

OAIL, loosen up. I don't think you're that kind of guy, but I'll say it: Don't be the asshole who "uses" women just for sex.

For your next reading assignment: Naomi Wolf's book titled "Vagina: A New Biography."

Finally, I think you'll put too much pressure on yourself with dancing lessons at this juncture in your sexually frustrated life. I still say have some fun! Go find that perfect taco or best scoop of ice cream your town has to offer. Summer's half over, OAIL, are you having fun?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't be the asshole who "uses" women just for sex.

This so DOESN'T sound like OIAL that it almost made me laugh.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5782 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
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