I have been so damn confused I have posted in S/D, R, & the general forum. On an intellectual level, I do not miss her. She is a source of pain, confusion, uneasiness, stress, etcÖ She doesnít really make any contributions to my well-being on any level aside from sharing some household chores (which has dramatically improved since d-day) and she is very social so I do interact with others more when she is around. ETA... I can't say that she seems to be intentionally causing any stress or pain, but when she sees me put my guard down a little she is much less worried about her actions.
Here is the thing; I am still emotionally attracted to her. When she is being a decent human being, it just seems so comfortable. Itís the occasional shit sandwich that tends to bring me back and make me proceed with caution. So on an intellectual level I have healed and am strong, but on an emotional level, I am a complete wuss with no sense of direction. My brain tells me to be careful of fatal attraction, and my emotions are stupidly running along like disney's goofy.
I am just so scared and confused I donít know what the hell to do. To make matters worse, I am not like this with other people. I have no trouble telling someone to fí off when they cross a line with me.
Itís not that I do not have the strength to make a decision. I just donít seem to be able to be sure of what the hell I want or what to hell to do. My brain and my heart are in a battle and they seem to be tied in a battle to death. When she is good, my heart kinda turns to mush, and when she is bad, my brain kicks its ass.
I AM SOOOO C O N F U S E D!!!!
I'll gladly take any advice, suggestions, comments, &/or 2x4's (or old rusty water pipes if the 2x4's aren't sturdy enough).
[This message edited by joeboo at 11:49 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]
The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.
This is what I have seen and felt from your posts since the beginning. I feel you may have a strong co-dependence dynamic going on. I feel you love your fww, but I feel the affair was a dealbreaker for you. I think you know that, too, but you want to fight it. And, you have fought the good fight.
Maybe a real separation with NC would help clear things up for you both.
eta: Because, frankly, I really don't feel your fww is 100% invested in this marriage.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:02 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I have requested a change in MC...see if that helps.
Detachment from my wife is really happening....and it is scary....but maybe that is where I am suppose to be heading?
Sound confused? Yepper, I am. But that is starting to feel normal.....sigh
God be with us all.
Feelings are so painful. Seeing someone, hugging them, holding them, it is so confusing and takes away the sting briefly but leaves me with more questions.
Lacing up my nikes and running west!
Are you happy joeboo?
Can you see living like this for the rest of your life?
Do you feel it may change?
Why would it change?
I feel you may have a strong co-dependence dynamic going on. I feel you love your fww, but I feel the affair was a dealbreaker for you. I think you know that, too, but you want to fight it.
I guess I should address this before it destroys me.
[This message edited by joeboo at 1:01 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]
No 2x4 here. Gently, she is still playing a game with you,and somewhat skillfully.
I can get what you are saying because I truly had a struggle of being in or being out. But I do think at the end of the day whatever info we try to give people only works if you implement it. Meaning if you are not going to do anything about it then you have to make up your mind that you are 100% in the marriage.
7 almost 8 years ago was my DDay and we separated for 6 mos. I was the happiest I had been for a long time after about the 1st mo. Looked great, felt great. All good. But I will say a very good IC helped me tremendously during that time. could not have done it otherwise.
When we got back together my the WS was very P/A (still is in many ways)but did go to MC and did give me transparency and did finally get out of the hell hole of a job he had at the time and all seems to be moving along to almost 8 yrs.
But I did have to finally say I was all in. I have him the gift of forgiveness. I won't say I still don't have that occaisonal "what the heck am I doing" moment. But my IC really helped me to get past it.
Now if tomorrow changes, or the next or the next? Then I will make a decision at that time. he could die, I could die, ya know life can change in a moment.
But you DO need to make a decision one way or another. Truly. Either decision is fine, just make one and decide you are going to be happy.
I hope you can too.
I guess I would say that living in limbo will give you a heart attack, seriously. The stress and pressure is terrible.
ETA... Honestly, some days I really feel like I could die from a broken heart. Crazy thing is that I am not really depressed.
[This message edited by joeboo at 11:57 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]
You have been given some solid advice since you joined and have not followed through with any of it.
I just keep thinking that there has to be a way to R, and that D is not the only option. Sometimes I wish she would fix it, and sometimes I wish I could and even try. She has made progress, as it is a better M, but I wouldn't go so far as to say it is a good M. I hope I am not fooling myself into thinking it could get better. If I could find a way to prove her guilty or innocent, I think it would be much easier to commit to something.
I have to ask...., are you suggesting that D is really the only reasonable option here? Is it beyond MC &/or IC if she was willing to put forth the work? I think I am ready to make some significant ultimatums but not sure what to do.
Sometimes, in a place that's scary, it helps to focus on one small thing that can offer us stability. What are your boundaries? I don't necessarily mean with regards to your wife - in general, what keeps you safe? What are the guidelines you live by to stay healthy? Look at those, one by one, and acknowledge the patterns that keep you safe and healthy. Then you can begin to examine the ones that feel complicated. The trick is knowing for yourself what healthy looks like in those ones and then anchoring yourself. It's not a small thing and it takes a very long time, and you will feel the feelings for a very long time. The boundaries will help you slowly feel more stable.
You can start with physical ones that keep you physically healthy, and then start diving into the emotional ones. Are there emotional boundaries that your wife crosses with her behavior, things that don't make you feel safe? Is the very pendulum nature of your dynamic now making you feel unsafe?
How is she as a listener? You mention that she becomes less worried about her actions when you put down your guard - do you mean that she stops showing you the remorse that helps your relationship heal? Or that her boundaries become more lax with others?
Was there ever a point during R where it felt like your intimacy with her was rebuilding, or has something always been missing from R? Is she remorseful?
How is she as a listener?
You mention that she becomes less worried about her actions when you put down your guard - do you mean that she stops showing you the remorse that helps your relationship heal? Or that her boundaries become more lax with others?
Was there ever a point during R where it felt like your intimacy with her was rebuilding, or has something always been missing from R?
Is she remorseful?
"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back up"
[This message edited by Brokenheart777 at 11:26 PM, July 8th (Monday)]
Is it beyond MC &/or IC if she was willing to put forth the work?
Iím not sure she is happy about it as if she is forced to do it for the M.
And her answer. Doesn't really sound willing.
At this point, it seems to me that filing for D IS your best option. Self preservation being the primary goal. Secondarily, IMO, it might just pull her head out long enough to get to a point where she realizes what's at stake and actually begins to do the work. You can stop the D at any point.
Why would you continue to allow her the upper hand in this relationship. Time to change the only person you can. What you have been doing hasn't been working, stop expecting her to change. She might, but it has to come from within her.
I went through a period in which I felt like you describe. It came a lot sooner for me than for you, and I got through it a lot faster than you seem to be, but it sounds very similar.
I know I tend to see things positively, but it sounds to me like you're on your way to figuring out what you want.
Deciding what you want is your job. Separate that decision from evaluating whether what you want is attainable - they're 2 different decisions.
Focus on yourself to decide what you want. Your W is irrelevant to that decision.
If I would believe her and she would never act promiscuous even if it was not associated with an A and she would never lie or exaggerate to me or anyone else.
Surely you want more than that!