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User Topic: Emotions vs Intellect
joeboo
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through a period in which I felt like you describe. It came a lot sooner for me than for you, and I got through it a lot faster than you seem to be, but it sounds very similar.
Maybe the mods could change my screen name to sinotsosoon

I know I tend to see things positively, but it sounds to me like you're on your way to figuring out what you want.

Deciding what you want is your job. Separate that decision from evaluating whether what you want is attainable - they're 2 different decisions.
Focus on yourself to decide what you want. Your W is irrelevant to that decision.

I am really trying. I would like to R with her, but not the broken her. I just can't tell how far along in the process she is or even really wants to be. She says she is all in, but I am not convinced it is a diy project.

If I would believe her and she would never act promiscuous even if it was not associated with an A and she would never lie or exaggerate to me or anyone else.
Surely you want more than that!
Not really. Since d-day, I can't really say that I have ever been in a loving relationship with any woman. So to remove the stress of promiscuity and the worry of being lied to would be incredible and almost beyond comprehension.


Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
Rise And Shine
♀ Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Joe

The truth is that reconciling a M after infidelity can be the most challenging life experience that any given person might go through. It's for sure the most challenging experience I've ever gone through. I think what makes it so difficult is the amount of time it can take before one is able to really move past the pain and fear of betrayal.

Joe, it doesn't matter that my WH is perfect since dday which was over 4yrs ago. Part of my personal recovery was/is being able to accept that 'there are no guarantees...'. Not just accept it but be okay with it? I'm not hardwired to accept that concept. Or, I am but just not hardwired to be able to live with it...happily live with it. Yet.

My path to personal recovery involved detaching from my WH, our M, my dream of 'forever', my idea of what a family unit looks like. But mostly, I think, it was learning to let go of my expectations of a spouse- because isn't that what the acceptance of no guarantees is about?

It's taken years for me to detach and grieve the loss of all of that. And it's probably going to take a few more years before I'm able to learn how to fully integrate my acceptance of no guarantees and my ability to safely love deeply once again.

But, my M today is a strong M. It feels solid most of the time and the times when it doesn't feel as solid is my own head-trip. Those are the times when I feel a little lonely still due to the no-guarantees thing creeping back in my head. Only now it passes as naturally as it creeps in.

She has changed her lifestyle considerably but Iím not sure she is happy about it as if she is forced to do it for the M.

It took me a lot longer than where you are now before I stopped being consumed with that question. It still creeps in at times but that's okay because it's natural. Looking back to pre-dday, I probably asked myself the same question only it wasn't significant because it didn't have the pain and reality attached to it like post-dday.

It took a lot of years before I was able to look at that question objectively, without all the emotion and find the true answer. The answer is that my WH really wants to be M'd to me and preserve our family unit and for the same reasons that I do. And they're good reasons.

Joe, if you're not sure if she wants to be in the M, why do you think she's staying in it? Do you think her reasons are any different than the reasons that you're staying in the M? I doubt it's comfort that keeps her in the M because there's nothing comfortable about being in a M that you don't want to be in. It can't be money because surely a woman who cheats is capable of monkey chaining from financial security to financial security. Hell. even at my age I'm capable of it! Children? A spouse who cheats doesn't think all that much about their children's wellbeing to begin with so it's not enough of a reason to stay put in a M. Children grown? Even less reason to stay put. Appearances? To selfish.

It can be a LONG personal hellish road for some of us before we find a place of peace. I was hypersensitive to every thing he did or didn't do for years post dday. I was miserable, lonely and constantly conflicted. It lifted with time and a whole lot of agonizing personal work- but it lifted.

I guess what I'm telling you, Joe, is that you got a lot of path still ahead of you but where you are on that path right now is normal.

Be kind to yourself.


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
joeboo
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe, if you're not sure if she wants to be in the M, why do you think she's staying in it? Do you think her reasons are any different than the reasons that you're staying in the M? I doubt it's comfort that keeps her in the M because there's nothing comfortable about being in a M that you don't want to be in. It can't be money because surely a woman who cheats is capable of monkey chaining from financial security to financial security. Hell. even at my age I'm capable of it! Children? A spouse who cheats doesn't think all that much about their children's wellbeing to begin with so it's not enough of a reason to stay put in a M. Children grown? Even less reason to stay put. Appearances? To selfish.
I certainly understand what you are saying but it defies the logic she used to stay in the M for 20+ years before any of the A's were confirmed. This has been going on since we were just dating but I was just too stupid and naive to figure it out. I don't fully understand her motivation to cheat. For the most part, the A's were PA's not EA's and there were no LTA's. I think it may have more to do with the stigma associated with being a 2 time divorcee and that her promiscuity was hidden from all those not engaged in that type of behavior. I can absolutely say that she would not want anyone to know that she cheated on me.

Fast forward to today. What is her motivation to stay? She's got it pretty good. I treat her well in spite of everything that has happened. I think she does love me. No where near as much as herself, but I think she loves me more than any of the other guys. I don't think she wants to, and I don't think I ever fulfilled her needs for sexual excitement which she may be learning to live with now (especially since we are not intimate now until I figure out what to do). Crazy thing is that not so long ago she told me that I am the only person in the world she trusts. She said it a few times. Yet she is one of the people in this world that I trust the least.

So I would say her reasons are a little different for staying than mine. I cringe at the thought of breaking up the family unit with ailing parents, the heels of one child's wedding, another expecting. There just doesn't ever seem to be a good time to have a shitty M.

Thanks for all the replies. Still very confused. I thought about a poly with only a day or two notice. Then, if that pans out, go back to MC and IC. If the poly didn't pan out, well then I would know where I stand.



Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 23
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