whatever you do...dont beg him. dont. i have been where you are....that fear when they say they want to leave. omg..it is so scary. i made a mistake though...i was the one trying to get him not to leave...and get his own apartment. and he did anyway...and then i made all these pathetic attempts to get him to come home. and he did....he only had to ask me once and do no work. he even told me that i couldnt have access to his phone...and i went along with it. i was so scared to lose him. fast forward 9 months later, and i learn i am in false r with yet another woman. at that point....i had grown...i had been in ic the whole time...and finally realized my value and my worth. and i kicked him to the curb after he would not meet my requirements to r. yes...even after dday2 and the discovery of false r...i still wanted to r. but it was different. i was willing to let him go. and i did. i put him out...i packed up all his things and put them outside. we separated for 3 months....and during that time, he saw the ow (which didnt seem so great now that he was "single")...he did all the drugs and alcohol he wanted, he partied with his friends...went to bars, and lived with his brother and his brothers girlfriend. he was mr single...and really looked like an idiot. but i went nc...and did a serious 180.
eventually, he did comply with my requirements for r...starting with going to rehab. we are now attempting a honest r. but it is different...i have my bitchboots on now...and i am not settling for any crap. no way. and he knows it too.
see...i guess what i want you to know is that you really, really must be willing to lose him....and i mean ready to see him out the door...and muster enough courage to look him in the eye and tell him fuck off. gosh...i know that is so hard. but you have it in you...he is treating you terribly...and deserves you to tell him that. i am serious.
do not pity him, make excuses for him, feel sorry for him....or accept that he needs some time and space. no way. he is your husband and there is no going back and forth. if he wants to go...let him..in fact help him pack and do not talk to him at all. and if you still want him later...let him come back to you the right way. and if he doesnt, then you didnt want him anyway...and you would be just that much further down the road in healing.
if he wants out...LET HIM GO...you by no means want to keep a bird caged.....let him free.
one last thing...if you beg him, or convince him to stay....it will only be worse...it will. he wont just magically be a great guy. you know why? because he didnt do any of the work needed to help you heal...it was all about him, on his terms. he will feel entitled...and not respect you. it is sad....but that is what happens when you beg him back or beg him to stay.
YOU are the prize....you are the gem and he should be breaking down doors to keep YOU. dont ever forget that....just remember that whenever you feel weak...