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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help coping with triggers
wannarun
♀ Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see BS on here saying their WS hold them and take care of them when they trigger......mine has never done that!! He gets mean and defensive when I hurt......this is never going to be okay!! I feel so.....there is no word for the hopeless despair and uselessness I feel


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH wanted to come back home and I told him only with counseling, because I knew our lives would be like what you are describing.

Have you gone to IC? Does he go to MC? If not, then none of the issues are being resolved. Stopping the affair is step one. MC, IC, etc is how he HAS to participate to get to stay married to you.

I read a short,easy book, Love Must Be Tough. It says the line of respect has been crossed over and over and this another example. The book says to stand up to them because you deserve respect, love, etc....It made me stop taking any BS from him (and that was only at chapter 2).


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jan 2012
wannarun
♀ Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in IC though I think I need to change!! She's really not saying he needs to be held accountable she's more like I need to be the best wife I can be so he'll act right! He wanted me to go and now he doesn't want to participate he just wants me to get over it so he won't feel bad anymore


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Alexisk17
♀ Member
Member # 39566
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, everyone deserves compassion!

I have learned that when my WH gets defensive and angry in response to my triggers it's because he is feeling shame. MC helped us discover ways to communicate without letting those negative emotions rule the conversation... Not that it works 100% of the time.


BS (me) - 27
WH - 28
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R: May 2013 - MC and IC

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
wannarun
♀ Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband has compassion.....for everyone but me for some reason!!


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off.....

She's really not saying he needs to be held accountable she's more like I need to be the best wife I can be so he'll act right

If my IC/MC said this to me.....i'd bitch slap him/her as i walked out the door.....thats bullshit. I agree with you whole heartedly...get a new IC.


Perhaps he is mean and defensive because he is still in his fog. It sounds like he still cant see the full ramifications of what he has done and is still blame shifting onto you.

Will he read a book with you?? my Wh and i read together...then discuss every few chapters. Maybe if he read something in black and white...then was able to discuss with you he might begin to realize what he has done.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Just remember, you didnt make him do this. there was nothing you did to cause him to cheat. He made that choice. Hugs to you!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love must be tough is a great book. it really is. that is where i first started to learn about my value and worth. and how allowing him to be mean when i triggered or be insensitive was not right.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
wannarun
♀ Member
Member # 36871
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked him to read how to help your spouse heal from affair so he would know what to do to help me. He said he didn't want to help me that he didn't like me enough to do something like that for me. He says he wants to stay together but he doesn't want to do the work or see the pain!! I just can't pretend to be okay anymore I just can't, and to feel like I have no one I can trust or that really sees and loves me


Me/BS - 41 him/WS - 42 2-boys 11&4
DD- Aug 2011 plus several in the months that followed ~ He said "I just needed someone to talk to" I asked if "Oprah was hiding in her panties" he wasn't amused!

Posts: 142 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he didn't want to help me that he didn't like me enough to do something like that for me.

What??? He doesn't like you enough to read an 80 page book?

wannarun, I understand your user name. From your profile I see that you want a healthy, happy marriage. I'm thinking your WH is too messed up for that to be possible.

He needs good IC and so do you.

I am sorry that he is incapable of being a decent human being right now.
((wannarun))


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to pretend to be OK... Reality is, it's not OK. He says he doesn't want to do the work? Wants to rugsweep your pain? Says he doesn't care enough for you to help you heal? That's not R. He doesn't sound like a healthy person to be around. (((hugs)))


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.


Posts: 3902 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 10

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